Feeling unsafe with ADHD (Laura Mears-Reynolds’ story)

Laura Mears-Reynolds had reached a breaking point with anxiety and depression — until she realized something deeper was going on. She didn’t feel safe in her own hands, and she knew she needed help. What she didn’t know? ADHD was at the root of it all.

The UK-based host of the ADHD AF podcast joins ADHD Aha! to share how understanding her brain finally helped her shed shame, find self-acceptance, and build a thriving community. Her message is clear: You’re not broken — and you’re definitely not alone.

We love hearing from our listeners! Email us at adhdaha@understood.org or record a message for us here.

• American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

• Laura’s podcast and community website, adhdasfemales.com

• ADHD and depression

• ADHD and anxiety

(02:37) The most ADHD thing that’s happened this week

(03:29) Laura’s ADHD diagnosis story, and crisis point

(07:20) Identifying as naive and overly trusting

(10:18) Laura’s ADHD “aha” moments

(13:02) A constant level of chaos, and assuming (what ended up being) ADHD symptoms were from partying a lot

(15:18) The “little” ADHD things that add up and cause shame

(17:27) Struggling with the “ADHD superpower” narrative

(19:50) How would life have been different with an earlier diagnosis?

(21:21) How Laura’s life has changed since her diagnosis, and creating the ADHD AF podcast

Laura: Hey, everyone, it's Laura. Before you begin the episode, I wanted to let you know that our guest today, Laura Mears-Reynolds, talks about a mental health crisis, and in particular, suicidal ideation that she experienced as part of her ADHD journey. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon for people with ADHD. If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention at AFSP.org. That's A-F-S-P dot O-R-G. Or call or text 988.

Laura Mears-Reynolds: I go to this hotel, I've already checked in, I go upstairs to get a drink, and all of a sudden, my card's declined. So, I go down to the lobby and I go to the ATM, and I put my card in the machine, and I have zero funds. And I am alone on the streets of Bangkok. And the reason why that happened is because I can't remember the numbers, I forgot to look. And there I am on a different time zone, completely alone with no money to even buy water. And I remember not just feeling like embarrassment and shame, but feeling really frightened. Like, I am not safe in my own hands.

Laura: This is "ADHD Aha!," a podcast where people share the moment when it finally clicked that they have ADHD. My name is Laura Key, I head up our editorial team here at Understood.org, and as someone who's had my own ADHD "aha" moment, I'll be your host.

I am here today with Laura Mears-Reynolds. Laura is an ADHD activist and the host of an amazing podcast, really funny, really, really thoughtful podcast called "ADHD AF." As Laura often says in her own intros of the show, AF, if you know, you know. If you know what that means, there might be some cussing on this episode. So, just wanted to give everybody a heads up on that.

Laura Mears-Reynolds: Thank you for having me. I meant to ask actually, am I allowed to swear? But here we are.

Laura: I figured I'd just give a disclaimer right at the top. You've said you have a sailor's mouth. Is that the expression that we use?

Laura Mears-Reynolds: Yeah. Swearing like a sailor. And that's the thing, isn't it? It's like I'm one of those people that always comes with a little disclaimer.

Laura: Thanks for being here today. My first Laura that I've ever interviewed. So, hello, Laura.

Laura Mears-Reynolds: Hello Laura, this isn't at all confusing, is it?

Laura: You have a segment on your show where you talk about the most ADHD thing. So, what was the most ADHD thing that happened to you today, this week?

Laura Mears-Reynolds: Oh my gosh. It's always like you've just got to try and retrace your steps because there's always something. I don't know if there's ever like an hour of the day where I haven't done something ridiculous. Yesterday, I redid a piece of work that took a really long time because I'd already started it on a different Google Drive and completely forgot I'd already put about three hours into it. So, I sat ignoring the deja vu going have I done this before until eventually I found it.

Laura: I probably did something similar yesterday, I mean, it's only in the morning. So, who knows where the day will take me.

Laura Mears-Reynolds: The day is but young.

Laura: The day is but young. Laura, let's talk about your diagnosis. When were you diagnosed with ADHD?

Laura Mears-Reynolds: So, I was diagnosed with ADHD in January 2022. So, I'd originally put my name down on the list for diagnosis with the NHS here in the UK in, I can never remember, I'm so time-blind, but I waited three years on the NHS until eventually I was kind of at crisis point. And, luckily, my husband had changed his job, which gave me access to private health care. So, I looked to see if that would entitle me to getting a diagnosis, which it luckily did. So, I then only had to wait another three months.

Laura: OK. What was the crisis point? What was going on?

Laura Mears-Reynolds: I just was so unable to do anything. I was so depressed, I was so anxious, I had so much shame at how inactive my inability to do anything was making me, that I just didn't want to be here anymore. I really genuinely, you know, trigger warning. I wanted to take my life, I very nearly did. And I just couldn't see a way out of the hole that I was in. And even though I knew about ADHD, I didn't really understand the complexities of it.

So, with that in mind, you know, is some real internalized ableism of, well, OK, this will explain why I have a lot of energy or little quirks perhaps, but hadn't really taken on board how much ADHD impacts everything that I do. So, all of the things that I carried so much shame for were in some way related to that. And so, I literally just hated myself and I couldn't understand, I just felt completely alien and like I was the only person my age — I was thirty-eight at that point — that just couldn't do life.

Laura: Can you share with me some specific, maybe ADHD behaviors that were leading you to that place?

Laura Mears-Reynolds: So, I think a really big one would be my struggles with finances. I just have always really struggled with money, and I've really struggled in employment. So, for example, what I now know as incredibly intense and debilitating RSD...

Laura: RSD, rejection sensitivity dysphoria.

Laura Mears-Reynolds: Yeah, meant that I found it very difficult to be in work environments because where people were looking over my shoulder, perhaps judging my actions, you know, so many of us were so used to getting it wrong that we'll assume that we're going to anyway. So, I found that so incredibly intimidating. So, I found ways to work for myself, but then at times struggled to motivate myself, struggled to put myself out there, made poor decisions in business. And so, I just constantly really struggled with money, and that brought me a lot of shame.

And on top of that, this rejection sensitivity that I experienced so intensely made relationships very difficult. Because when you don't know what that is, then you believe the things that you are feeling as fact, so you're sort of constantly feeling like a nuisance, feeling embarrassed, taking things very, very personally that perhaps haven't even happened. Never mind the things that have happened. It's the worrying about the perception of things that might happen that I was just in this semi-constant, anxious, wounded state that made it very, very difficult to just exist, really.

Laura: When we talked last, you mentioned that you had a tendency to be overly trusting with people. Can you share more about that?

Laura Mears-Reynolds: Yeah. I am incredibly naive, and I can really identify that now. I'm incredibly naive. And, you know, I'm certainly not about to change track, and I hope this doesn't offend anybody, but I'm definitely not in the ADHD as a superpower camp. It isn't for me. If it is for anyone listening, I am so happy and envious of you, but it's not how I feel about it. But what I can identify, is the naivety that I have, this overly optimistic kind of viewpoint, and the trusting nature of people.

It has opened quite a lot of doors for me, it really has, particularly in this space and creating "ADHD AF" and the charity and the events and everything that I've done this last two years, but it does leave me open to feeling quite hurt because I just kind of assume that everyone is as invested, as enthusiastic, you know, gonna give it their all right beside me and understanding my actions, even if I haven't communicated them very well, I kind of feel like we're all along for the ride and that, I don't know, everything's just understood.

And then it's like, you so quickly realize that people have different intentions, different feelings, different beliefs, how we interpret situations. And so, I constantly trip myself up again and again and again, I don't really seem to learn my lessons, or I forget them. So, every time I go back round again in the same circle, like, "Oh, this happened again. Oh, brilliant. Yep. I'll definitely learn my lesson for next time. Oh no, here we are again," and round we go. So, every day is a new day.

But it's not, you know, I think it's really important to know that it's, not that I think anybody has some like evil ulterior motive and I'm some victim or anything like that, it's just that we are all so different and even though I know that and I see that every day in my community and on discord online in every situation that I'm in, I see how easily it is for us to miscommunicate, for misunderstanding, for conflict, for anything.

Because we are also very different in our presentation of neurodivergence, in the co-occurring conditions that we can have in different forms and the hormones fluctuating and exacerbating symptoms, et cetera, like I know this inside out, but still my naivety, it trips me up again and again.

Laura: What would you say your ADHD "aha" moment was? The thing that really spurred you on to seek out evaluation and diagnosis?

Laura Mears-Reynolds: I've got a story, I've got a ridiculous story that I've told on the road quite a lot, and it is quite shocking, but I went on holiday, I was going to Thailand for a few months, and I started in Bangkok. So, I get there and I'm on my own, I'm going to the islands to meet up with friends over there. I get to Bangkok, I go to this hotel, I have already checked in, I got upstairs to get a drink, and all of a sudden my card's declined. So, I think to myself, "Oh well. I must have not let them know that I've traveled to a different place, so they've put a block on my card because they don't recognize why I'm in Thailand and think it's been stolen."

So, I go down to the lobby and I go to the ATM and I put my card in the machine and I have zero funds, none. And I am alone on the streets of Bangkok. And the reason why that happened is because I can't remember the numbers. I forgot to look. I forgot to check, this is before internet banking, but you know, I was 30 years old, like I'm not a teenager. And there I am on a different time zone, completely alone with no money to even buy water. And I remember not just feeling like embarrassment and shame, but feeling really frightened. Like I am not safe in my own hands. And I can't even begin to explain this to anybody. Like this doesn't make sense to me, how I would put myself in this dangerous situation.

And I had to lie because it was too frightening to tell the story in facts, because I couldn't even get my head around how I'd put myself there. And so, that was sort of hanging in the air, and then a friend got diagnosed. And she told me that she'd been diagnosed with ADHD. And I was like, oh, OK, like, like so many of us held the stereotype in my mind of naughty little boys, never thought it could be women, definitely not adults, you know, all the stereotypes of what I thought that would look like was nothing that she was like.

So, I was, like "OK, well, you know, explain this to me, what does this look like for you?" And as she was saying all of the things, I was like, "But I do that and much worse than you," and bit by bi,t and just go, "Well, you know, if you've got it, I've definitely got it." And she's like, "Yeah, about that. That's literally why I'm telling you." So, it was kind of those two things together made up.

Laura: She had spotted it in you.

Laura Mears-Reynolds: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Because she was ADHD and I'm ADHD AF.

Laura: What are some of the things in that kind of list of ADHD symptoms and behaviors that really resonated with you?

Laura Mears-Reynolds: I mean, this isn't literally stated in the DSM, but the number one thing that stands out for me always is chaos. It's always chaos. And it doesn't matter how hard I try to make sure that I've done everything right, there will always be a level of chaos to whatever I'm doing. Something will go wrong. I'll have missed a step. I will have overlooked something that literally changes the trajectory of whatever the plan was. So, definitely being chaotic, struggling with time, struggling with emotional dysregulation is the really, really big one for me.

But I think the things that I was so surprised that I'd actually masked from myself were actually, you know, I didn't realize that I lost things all the time. I didn't realize that. I forgot things all the time, I didn't realize any of these things. And bit by bit, you start to realize, oh no, actually, I do do that. It is always me that's lost my keys that has to get an emergency passport, that has, you know, all of these things that I would never have even noticed.

And I have to say, I had spent so much of my life trying to escape myself, trying to escape my feelings of anxiety, which I was literally born with feelings of, you know, unworthiness. All of the self-loathing or all of the rest of it, I just wanted to escape, so I partied a lot. And so, what that meant was that, really honestly, I spent about 20 years hungover. So, every single time that I couldn't find my keys and every single that I lost something, was late, made a stupid error, ended up letting somebody down, all of these things, I just assumed it was because I was hungover and it would be like, "Oh God, that was such a good night. You won't believe it. I've had to leave the house open for three hours. You won't believe it, I got lost on my way home. Again."

Laura: Wow. Yeah.

Laura Mears-Reynolds: That masked my symptoms from me, definitely. I just thought I was unreliable.

Laura: The things like losing keys, losing your phone, losing track of time, those are the things that I think are really easy to brush off. And it can kind of stack up year after year. You can blame it on something else. "I was hungover," and that you have a kind of a vicious cycle going on there.

Laura Mears-Reynolds: Everybody does it.

Laura: And everybody does it, but then I think people often forget that the other side of ADHD is that it can get you into sticky, if not very dangerous situations like some the ones that you've described.

Laura Mears-Reynolds: And it's the overlapping. Yes, everyone loses their keys once in a while. Everybody does something silly, you know, hopefully only once in a while, but when it's literally back to back to back every day, almost every hour overlapping, like that's very problematic and actually debilitating at points.

Laura: Yeah, like these little things they can chip away, like quote little things, like losing things, being late all the time. They can chip away at your self-esteem and make you feel so much shame over time, which I know is something that you focus on a lot on your show.

Laura Mears-Reynolds: Yeah, it's all about the shame, because I think we've really got to just raise awareness about these things, because like you say, for anybody who is late discovered ADHD, and I hate generalizing, but everybody I've spoken to, and that's quite a lot of people over the last couple of years, is they all carry this shame because you've just felt so worthless, or you've not even have you let people down, which makes you carry shame. You've let yourself down so much. You can't rely even on yourself to keep yourself safe.

And this causes so much shame. And it's just that shame cycle is what causes, you know, so many of us to feel so depressed and impact us in so many really detrimental ways. And really, it's so silly, isn't it? Because anybody can make a mistake all day, every day in any walk of life, whatever your job is, you can forget somebody's name or do something wrong. So, if we can... Forgive these little mistakes because we're only human, in anybody, when you actually have a condition that makes it very likely that you're going to do these types of things very often, really there shouldn't be any shame at all.

Laura: And I want to go back to what you're saying about the superpower narrative, because I struggle with it too. It's really tricky. I understand why some people use it. I think it can be really powerful, maybe especially for kids for, you know, if you, you have the privilege to really lean into that. What I don't want to happen is to water down the difficulties that ADHD can have.

And I also don't wanna have a really dire interview with you. You're such an effervescent, wonderful person, but I think that it's important that we're showing, we want people to be able to see that number one, they're not alone. And number two, like this is related to how these kinds of things that you feel shame about are related to what's going on in your brain.

Laura Mears-Reynolds: I really struggle with the superpower thing because I believe that it is toxic positivity. So, if, you know, somebody is really struggling, if somebody is in the depths of co-occurring depression, you really feeling a lot of shame and self-loathing, to be battling with something that is branded as your superpower, that's a hell of another lump of shame to on people, isn't it?

Laura: Yeah, like...

Laura Mears-Reynolds: Yeah, you're failing at that, too.

Laura: Why aren't you flying around getting millions of things done with your amazing hyperfocus?

Laura Mears-Reynolds: Because I lost my keys! But, you know, I was thinking about it. And actually, when it comes to kids, it does make sense. I think that the superpower thing is probably a really useful analogy to help a child understand their differences. So, on that level, I can understand it. However, for me, I'm so incredibly lucky to be here. And statistically speaking, we all are. And I know that's very bleak, but it is a fact. And I just feel that we've all been let down so much.

If you have only discovered your neurodivergence later in life, you have likely been through a hell of a lot. And so, it's kind of time now. So, kind of have this, and what it's like having a whole new life, but we need more acceptance, more compassion, and more understanding, and for the ADHD diagnostic system to improve because, as I say, people like myself. Have been failed enough. And it's, you know, we really have been in some dangerous situations, and that's really got to stop.

Laura: How do you think your life would have been different had you been diagnosed with ADHD earlier?

Laura Mears-Reynolds: It's very hard to say, isn't it? I think that the really big one for me that I can see as my personal struggle, and we all struggle with different things, but is relationships. And I think the, you know, I would be closer to people that I care about. I wouldn't have lost people along the way. I think, that that's the one that sticks with me. I have got an education. I mean, I've got a really rubbish degree, but I have a degree. I did all right in education, so I don't feel like it impacted me that much in that way.

But in the world of work, like, I realized that the anxieties of interpersonal relationships, miscommunications, et cetera, that has informed that and that has held me back in terms of a career, you know, until I started doing "ADHD AF," I had nothing really. The couple of things I'd really had a bash at, I'd ended up failing at, definitely because of ADHD. And in not knowing that it was ADHD that had tripped me up in various ways, it just knocked my confidence. So, that was me. I just felt completely inept and ill-equipped and just so alone, so alone in it.

Laura: You mentioned "ADHD AF," and your life has changed since your diagnosis, for the better, I assume. Let's talk about that.

Laura Mears-Reynolds: Yes, so when I got diagnosed with ADHD, like most everybody I've spoken to, there was an element of absolute relief, but there was also imposter syndrome. You know, if you've spent nearly 40 years of your life hating yourself, you're not going to be like, "Oh, I get a free pass now. None of that was actually my fault. I'm actually a great person. No, you can be like no, you're still the unreliable, worthless person that you were yesterday for a minute.

But I did wake up for one minute, that first minute after almost like it was a dream, it was like, "Actually... I don't have to hate myself today. I can work on not doing that. It's not going to go, but I can acknowledge that I don't have to let all of that shame and guilt and self-loathing flood in like it does every morning." So, that was nice.

Laura: So, that wasn't nice.

Laura Mears-Reynolds: But then at the same time, obviously, we have to go through the process of telling people that you've got it. And that was very, very nerve-racking, especially at a time when the press is sayin,g well this is a trend, and people are hopping on a bandwagon because of TikTok and all the rest of it it's like I remember that initial sinking feeling of "Oh, oh I finally got the answer. Oh God, why does it have to be something that I have to defend? That I have to explain when actually some people already think I'm untrustworthy so..."

Laura: Oh, interesting. Yeah.

Laura Mears-Reynolds: Of all the things. But then I, for myself, I found a way to do that best, even though I didn't know the intricacies and the extent of my emotional struggles, I realized that I needed to protect myself in some way. So, I went about protecting myself from other people's reactions by literally sending people emails.

Laura: Wow. OK.

Laura Mears-Reynolds: I found it was the best way to it, like I can write. So, I wrote it all out and I gave kind of examples, and I gave links to reputable online resources to get them to back me up.

Laura: I love this.

Laura Mears-Reynolds: And then it kind of just, as it came back, it was like, OK, you know, you have no control over somebody else's response. And so many of us, you know, we spend our time troubleshooting, you know, what's the worst case scenario, blah, blah. So, it's like, OK, well, if they come out with something horrible, at least I know that I'm not going to scream and shout at them because they're not right in front of me. And I'm not going to cry and tell them never to knock on my door again. At least there will be a minute's grace for me to write all the expletives and press end, you know, to protect myself.

Laura: It's also a good use of time management, you know, your growing time management skills with your new ADHD diagnosis. You, maybe you copied and pasted the whole thing, and just like, you could just send a group send.

Laura Mears-Reynolds: Yeah, I could have done, I could have just done that. But no, so I did that. And obviously, a couple of people didn't respond the way I wanted them to, but it did protect me a bit. And then from that point, as so many of us do, I hyperfocused hard down that rabbit hole, and found out everything there was to find out. And in doing that, I discovered the podcast "The ADHD Adults Podcast," and it really resonated with me because they just sounded like two silly blokes that I would down the pub. It was very, even though it was scientific, they're just a bit daft. And it was just like, OK, this is relatable on that level.

And I had just moved to this quirky little fishing village by the sea in Northeast Scotland for my husband's work, and my neighbor had just found out that she had ADHD in a similar way. And so I said, "Oh, you should listen to this podcast," and sent her a link to that, and she said, "We should start our own." And I'd realized that I wanted to do something. I realized that having spent my life in and out of doctor's surgeries from the age of 14 for depression, anxiety, eating disorders, sleep problems, all these different things, when it came to the diagnosis to my mind, it's just a different set of questions and a different pot of pills.

And I was just like "The doctors just don't know. They don't have the training." The GPs are the gatekeepers for assessment in the UK. And GPs, if you're lucky, have had one hour of basic training on outdated and gender bias research. So, effectively, in order to get assessed, to get the help that you need, you have to convince a person who doesn't actually have all of the facts or understanding of the condition. And that makes no sense, right?

So, I was like, "OK, somebody just needs to hear me on that level." So, I wanted to do some kind of local campaigning or something. So, when my neighbor said, "Let's do this podcast," I was like, "That could work. Let's try that way." And next thing you know, people actually listen to us, which is ridiculous.

Laura: Yeah, I listen to it. It's great. It is a wonderful show. I want everybody to check it out. Oh wait, can I ask you, for those who are watching on video, you said something earlier about the leopard print gang. Is that what you said?

Laura Mears-Reynolds: Yeah, so we're the Leopard print army. I am the leader of the leopard print army.

Laura: And Laura is wearing leopard print in case you're not watching on video.

Laura Mears-Reynolds: Always. I'm always wearing leopard print, because the podcast started in Scotland, in Aberdeen, Scotland, and the leopard is a symbol of that city. And it also symbolizes bravery and the reclaiming of power. And here in the UK, you might have heard of it, we have this thing called Hun culture, H-U-N. So, it's kind of camp. I don't really know how to explain it. But I wear a lot of leopard print because I'm a massive Hun. So, it all just fitted in perfectly, and it's now become like the uniform of all of us ADHD AFers. So we're all like in the trenches together, total hands, wearing leopard print, and yeah, it unites us.

Laura: I love it Laura, your whole, like, you bring such a lightness to even some of the more difficult subject matter, and I know that that isn't always easy.

Laura Mears-Reynolds: I think it's just, you know, life has been really, really tough, really tough, I'm not going to lie. And you know there's many times where I've kind of listed all of the ways that statistically the wrecking ball of ADHD can swing in and bash up your life and take something out. And really, whenever I've listed that I am literally listing my life experiences, it's always been really, really challenging, and I've been through some really dark and hard times. And the only way I've survived them is by having fun, really. And so, I just think it all has to be worth something. All of the hard stuff and you've got to have the good times as well.

Laura: And I have to say, I don't think that you cussed one time.

Laura Mears-Reynolds: I know, I've been on my best behavior the whole time. I'm so not used to being interviewed. Obviously, I've done a few interviews, but I'm still used to the interviewer that I'm just sitting here hating myself for being so rude, and like, please will you ask Laura some questions? So, Laura, please will tell me what is the most ADHD thing you've done this week?

Laura: Well, I'm leaving on a trip in one hour and I haven't packed a thing, so.

Laura Mears-Reynolds: Wonderful. We don't need things. Who needs things? Toothbrush, that's it, right?

Laura: Yeah, I mean, my kids might be mad if I don't pack anything for them, but yeah, I'm OK.

Laura Mears-Reynolds: It will be all right.

Laura: It's been really, really lovely to connect with you again, and I think the world of you, Laura. So, I'll be listening to your sho,w and thank you for spending this time with me.

Laura Mears-Reynolds: Thank you, thank you so much for having me, and I love the work that you're doing, so I'm really grateful to be part of it, so thank you very much.

Laura: Thanks for listening today. As always, if you want to share your own "aha" moment, email us at adhdaha@understood.org or send a message to our voicemail inbox. You'll find a link in the show notes along with resources and links to anything we mentioned in the episode. This show is brought to you by Understood.org.

Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at Understood.org/give.

"ADHD Aha!" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli. Say hi, Jessamine!

Jessamine: Hi, everyone.

Laura: And Margie DeSantis.

Margie: Hey, hey.

Laura: Samiah Adams is our supervising producer. Video is produced by Calvin Knie and edited by Alyssa Shea. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also mixes the show. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. From Understood.org, our executive directors are Scott Cocchiere, Seth Melnick, and Jordan Davidson. And I'm your host, Laura Key.