How do you make invisible struggles visible? (Kate Hammer’s story)

It’s one thing to wonder if you have ADHD. It’s another to read how your loved ones see it in you. 

Host Laura Key talks with writer, director, and performer Kate Hammer, who was born in Canada and now lives in Scotland. Kate shares her experience navigating the U.K.’s ADHD evaluation process, which includes personal letters from family and friends, and the complex emotions it brought up. 

She also discusses her short film, Bear, a surreal, funny, and poignant look at how ADHD can shadow your every move. In the film, a woman on her way to a job interview is followed by a bumbling bear — clumsy, loud, and impossible to ignore. The Bear represents ADHD in all its disruptive, intrusive glory. Kate talks about why she chose to visualize ADHD this way, how humor helps her process, and what it means to turn something invisible into something you can’t ignore.

• Kate’s short film Bear trailer

• Kate’s full short film Bear (Password: BossJude)

(00:00) Intro

(01:03) The UK ADHD evaluation process

(07:26) What ADHD traits cause Kate shame and guilt? 

(08:44) Kate’s short film Bear

(16:58) Validating the challenges of ADHD through her short film

(21:27) Kate’s ADHD aha! moment(s)

(23:05) Outro and credits

We love hearing from our listeners! Email us at adhdaha@understood.org or record a message for us here.

Laura Key: How do you make something invisible visible and in a way that's still bringing everyone in on the joke? Bringing people into an experience without knowing what it is, empathizing with the character, and then afterwards maybe going, "Oh, that's ADHD." Oh.

This is "ADHD Aha," a podcast where people share the moment when it finally clicked that they have ADHD. My name is Laura Key. I head up our editorial team here at Understood.org, and as someone who's had my own ADHD aha moment, I'll be your host.

I am so excited to be here today with Kate Hammer. Kate is a writer, director, and performer originally from Canada and now based in Scotland. She currently works in the story room for the soap opera "River City" and is a staple of the UK stand-up comedy scene. Kate, welcome. I'm so excited to have you here.

Kate Hammer: Thank you so much. I'm excited as well.

Laura Key: So listeners, you need to know that one of the many reasons that Kate is amazing is also the reason that I found out about her, was through viewing a short film called "Bear," which Kate stars in and directed. It absolutely captivated me. It has a really interesting way of making invisible disabilities visible. We're going to get into all of that.

So let's get started. Kate, I like to start by asking folks, when were you diagnosed with ADHD?

Kate Hammer: I was actually diagnosed not that long ago. So, I'm 32 now. I think it was, you know, at the end of when I was 29, so just a couple years ago. And it wasn't too bad of a process for me. I did get diagnosed in the UK. And yeah, I talked with a couple nurses, got the right references, and got my diagnosis by letter, actually. I felt like Harry Potter.

Laura Key: Yeah, tell me about this because the process is different. There was something about writing letters that was required as part of the evaluation process? I've never heard of this. Can you explain what that was?

Kate Hammer: So actually, I mean, it was my therapist at the time that suggested that I had ADHD, and I didn't believe him. I was like, no, I used to babysit a boy who had ADHD and I do not have the same symptoms as him. That's not me. I'm so organized. And he would go, "Yeah, well, why are you so organized?" I was like, "Because I have 10 different ways of organizing everything." He's like, "Right. So maybe that means you're not good at organization." So it took a bit of convincing, actually.

And then he gave me a bit of advice and kind of warned me on how hard it might be to get a diagnosis. So yeah, in the UK, the way of doing it is I had to submit a request to my GP. Then they gave me back a form to fill out, a questionnaire, and I had to return it with a letter from myself, someone who had known me for less than five years, someone who had known me for more than five years, and then one or both of my parents. And it spoke a lot about how was Kate growing up and what kind of things, you know, stood out to you then.

Laura Key: It does sound really interesting. It sounds very elaborate and in a good way. I'm picturing these letters in cursive. They probably weren't, but maybe just go with me. They were all handwritten, I imagine, calligraphy.

Kate Hammer: Absolutely. Written by candlelight.

Laura Key: Yeah. Did you learn things about how people saw you that surprised you?

Kate Hammer: Yeah, because, and this feeds into I guess my whole relationship with ADHD is how much imposter syndrome goes along with it. And so even from the get-go, you're like, am I just tricking everyone? Am I just creative and aloof? Maybe I'm just a really interesting person and, you know, everyone has it wrong.

So it's really, it was important for me, I think, to read those letters from everyone to go, oh, I'm not hiding these things as well as I thought I was. Or things I didn't even realize about myself, how much I did fidget or the things about yourself you don't think are different because you don't realize them. They're just you. It's always that, you know, outside looking in perspective that is refreshing because obviously no one wrote it with intent to hurt my feelings.

Laura Key: Right, right.

Kate Hammer: But I needed, you know, people couldn't be like, "Well, sometimes Kate gets fidgety." They had to, you know, tell the truth and leave my feelings out of it. So I think, you know, the hard one to read was when you're having a conversation with Kate, it doesn't always feel like she's there. And that, you know, it's like hard, but I think that was important for myself to understand that I have to learn to communicate this because otherwise I'm hurting people.

I think it was one of those moments where it's not that ADHD is a bad thing, but you go, I can't necessarily fully change this, but I can change the way I do it, which makes it okay, like brings everyone in and makes it okay.

Laura Key: Oh, I feel, that's hard. I mean, a lot of growth coming out of it, obviously, but to be—it's not critiqued because they're just writing an open, honest letter with no negative intent, right? But to have called out things that are so core to your essence when you're with people every day and to have people comment on that. That's, that's emotional.

Kate Hammer: Yeah. You know what, I don't get me wrong, I feel like there have been so many moments, like you said, just of emotional, that feel so cathartic that you're almost forgiving your past self in a lot of ways, forgiving the people around you also when you're growing up for maybe being a bit frustrated. You get it. And but also again, those, the frustration with yourself. So I think ADHD for me is a lot of unlearning of being upset with myself for the way I work or trying to fit into those round holes that my square peg won't ever fit into. But it's an ongoing journey.

Laura Key: So this is kind of uncharacteristic for me to ask, but were you happy that the therapist brought it up in hindsight? Because it sounds like you were just kind of humming along in your life and you, this wasn't even a fledgling possibility in your brain.

Kate Hammer: I mean, look, when he first brought it up, I think I was quite annoyed because at the time, without me feeling like I was struggling or, you know, inadequate in any way for, you know, a therapist to go, "Do you think you have this? I think you have this." And I was just like, "What are you talking about?"

But basically, the diagnosis was good for me to understand myself and have access to a toolkit that I didn't know existed otherwise, and getting rid of so much shame around things. Like, you know, instead of going, "Oh, I'll never be good enough at cleaning or organizing because I'm not following the way other people are good in that way," and getting rid of that guilt and shame and then learning to use, "Well, I do it this way, so how can I make that better and more efficient?" And I know that this is a full, successful life. This is no different than somebody who doesn't need reminders to pay basic things or to brush your teeth. That's not a failure.

Laura Key: We know how these things go with ADHD. But what, what, what types of ADHD challenges do you think in your life you felt the most shame and guilt around?

Kate Hammer: I think it's kind of split into parts. One is the at-home aspects of it. Why can't I keep things organized or clean? Why do I have to see everything? And then I think the other part of it is professionally or aspirationally. So I just know I have beat myself up about deadlines because being in a creative industry, the biggest thing is like keeping on needing to apply to things with new scripts and things, you know, pitches and everything, and that's what gets you, you know, to those next levels or job applications.

And feeling like things were so important, and then you go to check or submit to them and it's, the deadline's passed. And you can do nothing about it because it makes you look worse if you email in and be like, "I thought it was 5 p.m., not 12 p.m. and now I've missed it." I know I've just gone into spirals of feeling like I've let go of such huge potential opportunities because, you know, at that point I'm thinking I just couldn't get myself together.

Laura Key: Did these experiences inform "Bear," the short film that you directed and starred in?

Kate Hammer: Absolutely.

Laura Key: Let's talk about that because there's the film and then there's you, and I know that it's not a full overlap, but I think there are some really interesting themes. I just can't express how captivating this film is, and I'm excited for everyone to see it.

Kate Hammer: Oh, thank you so much.

Laura Key: I'm going to read the description of "Bear." It's just two sentences. So, "Jude, that's who you play, a neurodivergent creative, tries her best to fit into a typical world. While desperately in need of a job, an already tense interview is made even worse by the fact that no one wants to mention the bear in the room." And the bear in this case is actually an actual bear that travels around with you, making the invisible struggles visible, very, very, very visible and awkward.

Kate Hammer: No, thank you for explaining that because otherwise it's very weird to just start mentioning a bear suit.

Laura Key: There's a bear suit, a very prominent bear suit. And this film is by, it's how many minutes? It's about 10 minutes, right? It's perfect for people with ADHD. Yeah.

Kate Hammer: The opening shots are of all these, I mean, the things behind me, like my trinkets and all my things and my plants.

Laura Key: I recognize them. I was like, "Wait, this is, I remember this from the film."

Kate Hammer: I know. I was like, I thought it looked more interesting. It looks a little more chaotic than I was aware. But I wanted to show, like how do you show organized chaos? So the way I worked it out was like, there are piles of things everywhere in the room, but they're all color-coordinated. Just wanting to really set the movie off by letting the audience know this is someone who, it looks like a messy life from the outside, but in our minds, you know, it all makes sense. It doesn't feel that loud. But I'm sure people come into my room and go, "Oh, my." And I'm just like, "This is my calm space."

Laura Key: And you know when people are like, "Oh, your room is your, is like the inside of your brain." And I was like, "Great, this is, I guess, it."

Kate Hammer: It's color-coordinated, at least. Exactly. So, I think, yeah, the main idea was, and again, feeding into imposter syndrome, how do I tell people what it's like and show them what it's like without having an interview sitting down and just talking about these ideas and these really hard to grasp things? And, you know, I think people, you know, want to believe, but it's still hard to just understand how affecting it is and how out of our control it can feel as well.

Because so many ADHD symptoms are things that everyone does, but it's not to a maybe debilitating or life-affecting degree. So I think that was the thing I wanted to get across.

Laura Key: Because ADHD is just so hard to explain. So using the bear to kind of show that I'm carrying this with me everywhere I go, right? And your job interviewer can see this.

Kate Hammer: And I wanted the bear to feel really helpful as well as mischievous. So it's that touch of creativity and it's looking at things, it's looking all around the space and it's noticing things. And they're engaging with things. You want to touch everything, but, you know, you can also sit down and get your keys for you and want you to be yourself. So it's all about how our main character Jude masks to go into the normal world to try and get this job at a very neurotypical center.

So, all the color scheme in the outside world is very pastel, very calming, very organized. So it's that contrast with this really colorful character and not boring world, but just like a muted, a softer world around them.

And then how do you control the bear or that part of you that's dopamine seeking and interested in everything, you know, while trying to fit in, because you can't. And it was what I think the most interesting thing for me while writing and making "Bear," especially writing, was I didn't know what the crux of it was, what that kind of climactic moment of release would be. Is it she gets the job? She doesn't get the job? What's the, you know?

And that's when I realized because I was going through some job interviews around the same time, was that you always have to fill out this separate form to tell them your background and do you have neurodivergence, and. And it's one of those things where it's like, why can't we talk about it? Because it is part of who I am.

And there's this idea of like, but, you know, for equality, we don't want to know. And you're like, but these are some of my creative strengths, and I'm going to work so fast. And yes, I may also have some, you know, slower days, but to not talk about it, I think was the worst choice. Yeah.

Laura Key: Like people are trying to be overly polite. At one point, the interviewer kind of leans in and whispers, "My cousin has one of those," right? And whispers it. And you know, it's different in the U.S. I mean, you know, legally you can't ask someone who is interviewing for a job if they are neurodivergent in any way or if they have any, you know, disabilities. So then as someone who's applying for a job, you have a choice if you want to disclose or not. Always, you have that choice. But then what comes with that disclosure?

Kate Hammer: Exactly.

Laura Key: What are the biases that come with that? Why a bear? Why is ADHD a bear, Kate? I have my own theories, but I should hear it straight from you. Why not a lion or a bird or a frog?

Kate Hammer: I think your theories are probably more interesting than the truth because the truth is that I had a bear costume. I knew I wanted to use it because I had bought it. Well, look, it called out to me in the costume shop and it was 50% off. Because it's a quiet, it was like an expensive thing, but it's 50% off. And I remember I left it and it haunted me the whole next day. I was like, "I got to go back." And I went back and I bought this huge teddy bear suit.

And it was a lot of things. And I think there is a lot of history of women and bears in stories and cultural references. And I really wanted, you know, that wordplay of a bear and being, you know, bare, what's showing your true self. And then that layer that convinced me to use it was, because it's not a scary bear costume, it's a teddy bear costume. So there's something quite nostalgic and hopefully cuddly, warming, secure about it, that we have this safety bear when we're growing up, but we grow out of it or, you know, we're not socially, probably feel like we're not allowed to carry one around with us when we're adults. So I wanted to play with that of like this idea of having this safety thing that's a part of us, but also can take us off the rails. But what are your theories?

Laura Key: I mean, I went to the wordplay part of it as well. I hadn't thought of bear and then bear as in B-A-R-E. But I was thinking about, you know, it's such a bear to deal with. It's so difficult to deal with, but also like bearing with something has more of a positive connotation. So it's that kind of that two sides of, those of us with ADHD, we know that that's such a big part of it. And it's also, bears are, they're just big.

Kate Hammer: Yes.

Laura Key: Right? They're big creatures, and your ADHD is with you everywhere you go, but nobody can see it.

Kate Hammer: And they're clumsy. And do you know what? There's probably a layer of that like, you know, again, dopamine seeking, the Winnie the Pooh honey addiction that we're just like, give me my honey. And I mean, Winnie the Pooh, what an ADHD hero. The hyper-focusing on honey pots, the sugar seeking. It's all there.

Laura Key: Totally. What other animals would potentially be in the running if you had happened to have a suit? Have you given that any thought?

Kate Hammer: It's probably situational because in that instance, there was something about this big, clumsy bear in a small room walking around below the desk. But again, if you're at a doctor's office, would it be a horse? Like what's the worst animal to have in any room or any situation for you? I think it's probably, I think it's quite shapeshifter.

Laura Key: Are you ever worried, or were you worried in the making of this film, or maybe just in your life in general, that people won't take ADHD seriously?

Kate Hammer: Absolutely. There was a moment when we first screened it, and one of my friends also has ADHD, and one of our mutual friends went up to them and said, "Oh, I get it now." And it made that other person extremely emotional because it was that thing of like, you try and explain it to people in a thousand ways, and it's never, you think it clicks, but it doesn't. And then so what this film brought was a bit of understanding. And like you said, she felt like she was being taken seriously or being seen for the first time.

And it's so impactful that like, it brings up all these emotions. And that to me was the like most amazing thing about making this because it was that fear while putting it out there that you're like, "What if people see this and they go, no, that's not at all what ADHD is. You don't have ADHD."

Laura Key: Or that's not a thing.

Kate Hammer: Oh yeah, that's not a thing. You're making it up. It's not that hard. You think that's hard? And that's when you have to catch yourself and go, is that other people saying that, or is that me telling myself that because I'm catastrophizing?

Laura Key: I've had moments in my life where I feel like I'm almost like literally stomping my feet and getting upset because I'm trying to prove and show that something is hard. You know, that's only with people who I feel completely psychologically safe with and I know like they're not going to abandon me if I act childish or immature or I lose it in front of them.

And what I love what, in terms of what you did, Kate, is it's so absurd. And I mean that in the best possible way, to have this bear traveling around with you. And it's so effective. You have to do something big and outlandish to get people's attention because it is so subtle the way that ADHD can affect you every day.

Kate Hammer: Yes. And I think that was it, is like, how do you make something invisible visible and in a way that's still bringing everyone in on the joke, making it accessible, to spring people in on the journey and go, imagine if this, you know, was your situation and not mention ADHD once in the film.

Laura Key: I was just going to mention that. Yeah, that's amazing.

Kate Hammer: That it should just be, this woman has a bear. Isn't that wild? We don't need to know. It's very, I think, you know, especially for a short film, it ended up being quite Kafkaesque of like, you're just accepting the bear is there. And that people can see the bear, and she doesn't have a choice of when it shows up. So, I think what's interesting is because a lot of other ideas that I'm working on too, people are like, "Wow, that's so absurd." I go, "Is it?" All right, maybe that's my thing, is that I don't think it's that wild because I'm like, oh yeah, imagine if there was just a bear there. It's not like it's sci-fi or something.

Laura Key: I think also in your bio, you had used the word "absurd." So, I mean that in the most absolutely positive way. It's creative. It is, it just, I would have never thought of it.

Kate Hammer: No, but I have embraced it because that's it, is like, it's, I don't take it with a negative connotation. I think it means just like it's an exciting, you know, hopefully visually eye-catching way of bringing people into an experience without knowing what it is, empathizing with the character, and then afterwards maybe going, "Oh, that's ADHD." Oh. So there's maybe a journey with people watching it as well.

And what I also would say is a lot of people who don't have ADHD but maybe are on the spectrum or, you know, people just feeling othered their whole life or different their whole life, really responded to the film as well. So I think it was an interesting catch-all or this absurd visualization that really spoke to people who are neurotypical in general.

Laura Key: Yeah, I was just going to ask you if people who have, you know, other acronyms associated with them, other diagnoses, other struggles, if they had seen themselves in the film as well. It sounds like yes.

Kate Hammer: I think it's a good case of the most personal is the most universal because I think, you know, I was so afraid the whole time that I wasn't even doing my own experience justice or that my own experience was false. And then when you put it out there and so many different people are going, "Yes, I can relate so much to that." You're like, "Oh, wow, that's amazing because, yeah, who, why, why do you relate to having a bear follow you around?" But those feelings of embarrassment and shame and guilt and wanting to distance yourself from this integral part of you, you know, we all can relate to that.

Laura Key: Do you have an ADHD aha moment, a moment when you're like, "Yes, I get it. This is, yes, I do. I have ADHD," or, "Oh, wow, all of this just clicked for me?"

Kate Hammer: I think it happens like once a week. You know, I think it's like, um, it's the little things for me. And again, I find it very useful for people outside noticing things that I don't pick up on.

So what's interesting is during the making of "Bear," Screen Scotland were also making a documentary called "Working Differently," and it's about people who are neurodiverse working in TV and film. And so they came and they filmed the kind of behind the scenes of "Bear." And in that documentary, there's so many clips of me just constantly, you know, shaking my pencil or moving or disassociating. And I remember they were only there for about an hour and then they left and I was like, "Oh, you sure you have enough?" And they're like, "Yeah, yeah." "No, no, you were doing a lot of stuff that we, you know, can use to show this." So, I think all the aha moments are still coming because it's in those different situations of your life as well. I'm going to have different ones at work than I do in my personal relationships.

Laura Key: Well, Kate, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for the film and for the work that you do. I'm going to want to know from all of our listeners, you know, what animal is ADHD to you? So please do write in and let us know. And Kate, thank you so much for being here.

Kate Hammer: Thank you.

Laura Key: Thanks for listening today. As always, if you want to share your own aha moment, email us at ADHDaha@understood.org or send a message to our voicemail inbox. You'll find a link in the show notes along with resources and links to anything we mentioned in the episode.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give.

"ADHD Aha" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli.

Jessamine Molli: Hi, everyone.

Laura Key: And Margie DeSantis.

Margie DeSantis: Hey, hey.

Laura Key: Samiah Adams is our supervising producer. Video is produced by Calvin Knie and edited by Alyssa Shea. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also mixes the show. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. From Understood.org, our executive directors are Scott Cocchiere, Seth Melnick, and Jordan Davidson. And I'm your host, Laura Key.