A mother-son ADHD combo, plus teaching with ADHD (Emilia McGuckin’s story)

Emilia McGuckin was surprised when a teacher suggested her son might have ADHD. As a teacher herself, she thought she would have spotted the signs. But after diving into the research, an even bigger surprise hit her: Could she have ADHD too?

Emilia, a high school and college teacher, was hesitant to pursue an ADHD evaluation. She’d felt dismissed by medical providers in the past, an experience all too common for many women. But when she finally got diagnosed, everything started to make sense. What she once saw as “character flaws” or “personal failings” turned out to be overlooked symptoms of ADHD.

We love hearing from our listeners! Email us at adhdaha@understood.org.

• Is ADHD hereditary? 

• ADHD iceberg

(01:10) Emilia’s son’s ADHD diagnosis

(04:42) Hyperfocusing on ADHD to help her son, and realizing she has symptoms too

(06:49) Apprehension about seeking an ADHD evaluation, after not being believed by doctors in the past

(09:20) Feelings and coping after diagnosis

(11:56) An “avalanche of ADHD” in the family

(17:02) How Emilia and her son’s diagnoses changed how she teaches

(20:29) Busting ADHD myths

Emilia: Around the same time that my son was diagnosed, my sister was also diagnosed. My brother, he's not been officially diagnosed, but he was kind of like the poster child for what you imagine an ADHD kid to be. So, my son's being diagnosed, my sister gets a diagnosis, I go, "Huh, wait a second, I think I might need a diagnosis."

So, yeah, it was definitely a lot of learning together, but I'm also really thankful that it happened that way because I could use my brother and sister's models for my son to say, "Look at how successful your aunt and your uncle are. They have ADHD. You're gonna be great. You're going to be fine because you have people to support you along the way."

Laura: This is "ADHD Aha!," a podcast where people share the moment when it finally clicked that they have ADHD. My name is Laura Key. I head up our editorial team here at Understood.org. And as someone who's had my own ADHD "aha" moment, I'll be your host. I'm here today with high school and college teacher, Emilia McGuckin. Emilia, welcome to the show.

Emilia: Thank you so much for having me. I'm really excited to talk to you today.

Laura: You were diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago, Emilia, and this was shortly after your son was diagnosed. So, before we get into your diagnosis, would you mind talking a little bit about what you were going through with your son and how he's doing?

Emilia: Yeah, of course. Well, he's doing great, first of all. We started to pursue a diagnosis for him when he was about seven years old. He was just struggling with some things in school. His teachers kind of brought some behaviors to our attention that we didn't necessarily see at home. There was a lot of distraction. There was lot of overreaction when something stressful happened or something didn't quite go his way. It was hard for him to stay on task, especially if there were other noises in the room.

We found an amazing child psychologist who suggested that he had ADHD and also maybe anxiety, and that was kind of the start of our process to get him diagnosed.

Laura: Were you surprised?

Emilia: You know, at first I was surprised by the suggestion, and I think that part of that is because my husband and I are both teachers. So, I think we just kind of naturally, in our parenting style, adapted to those behaviors without really thinking or registering them. We just kind of innately knew how to handle those things for him or how to redirect him, or how to remind him of things.

We knew, for example, he did really well with timers. If we him to complete a task, setting a timer or giving a five-minute warning was going to produce the results that we wanted. But when he was taken out of our home environment and in an environment where a teacher wasn't necessarily doing those things, it kind of made it clear that, yeah, there is something going on, and this does make sense.

Laura: And how did he handle the evaluation and the diagnosis?

Emilia: Well, at first, he denied it. And he was seven and eight years old when we were kind of going through this process. But he said, "No, I don't have ADHD. I don't have this. I'm, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm fine." And we kind of turned that language around and said, "There is nothing wrong you. You just learn in a different way. Your brain works in a different way."

We did wait a little bit to kind of confirm that it was ADHD because we didn't want to say to him, "You have ADHD," and then have that actually not be the diagnosis and say, "Just kidding. You have this other thing that we're going to deal with." So, there was a little bit of a wait, and when we first started talking to the counselor, we just explained that it was just to help him unravel the big feelings he was having, and it was somebody to talk to outside of Mom and Dad that he could trust.

And then when the diagnosis was confirmed, we talked about how there are a lot of people with ADHD that we know either in our personal life or in famous people, and how they were successful. And we just kind of kept reiterating like, "This isn't a bad thing, it's just how your brain works." And eventually he kind of started to say like, "Oh, I forgot this." And instead of saying, "I'm mad at myself that I didn't get this done" or being overstressed, he'd kind of go, "Is that an ADHD thing?" And we were like, "Yep." And we kind of keep that conversation going, yeah.

Laura: That's awesome.

Emilia: It was really good to see him start to have that self-awareness and realize like, there's nothing wrong with me. My brain just needs a little extra dose of this, or it needs a confirmation that I'm doing the right thing.

Laura: Did your son end up with an IEP or a 504 plan?

Emilia: He has a 504, yes. The IEP wasn't necessary because even with the things he struggles with, he is able to complete work and perform at or above grade level. But it was really, he just needed those extra supports so that when he was struggling with like time management or deadlines are difficult for him sometimes.

So, just to kind of support him and say, "Hey, you get an extra 24 hours to turn this assignment in, especially if today wasn't a good day in class and you didn't get a lot done in class. We can take it home, work with Mom, and then make sure you're still on task." And that's been really helpful for him.

Laura: Where were you in all of this? And through the course of your son's evaluation and subsequent diagnosis and accommodations, what were you experiencing?

Emilia: In the beginning, I went into a deep dive into ADHD and co-morbidities, and I just kind of hyperfocused on that. I wanted to know everything that I could so that I can give him everything that I could to be successful. And in that process, I realized that some of those symptoms that maybe weren't always on the surface for somebody you know, looking at an ADHD child, really applied to me.

And I thought to myself, especially as I dive deeper into my reading and research, "Do I have ADHD?" And that was more of a surprise to me, I think, than realizing that my son had it, was realizing that perhaps I had it.

Laura: Sometimes we talk about the ADHD iceberg, the things that are under the surface. What were some of those things that you were noticing in yourself? And were they different symptoms, behaviors than what your son was experiencing?

Emilia: Some of the things that I noticed in myself were different, especially the internal anxiety. And I kind of thought back to my own childhood and my own experiences in school. And I had a very different experience in school than what my son was having and does have. I don't think any of my old teachers would ever have looked at me and said, "That's a kid with ADHD."

And I mean, in fact, they didn't, they never brought that up to my parents, but I had so many problems with procrastination, motivation to get things done, staying organized. And I remember when I was younger, and honestly into my adulthood as well, I always kind of viewed that as like a character flaw. Like, you know, if I could just kind of get it together, if I can just stay organized, if I had just remember where I put my phone that I just had in my hand five minutes ago, I always just saw that as my own, just personal failings.

But as I learned more about my son and the feelings of like, there's something wrong with me. Why can't I get it together? Those are feelings that he and I definitely share. And just as I read more about it, I was just like, I need to talk to somebody about myself and my child as well to kind of figure out what's going on.

Laura: So, who did you talk to?

Emilia: I first talked to my son's counselor because we had such a great relationship with her. She's a family counselor. So, I felt comfortable bringing a family issue kind of to her and just saying, "As we've gone on this journey with my son, I'm noticing some things in myself that make me kind of pause." And I set up a meeting just with her and I, and she kind of felt like perhaps ADHD was the right diagnosis for me. I had a lot of apprehension about going to my own doctor, however, because I've had experiences in the past where I bring up symptoms or issues and they're kind of written off or brushed aside. I had a great relationship with my doctor, but I didn't want to compromise that by bringing up something that I was afraid would be brushed aside.

Laura: Can you tell me about some of those things that were brushed aside? This is common for women with ADHD.

Emilia: Yeah. So, I actually have another chronic illness, it's Ehlers-Danlos, which is I produce faulty collagen, and it makes my joints really loose. There are a lot of other symptoms too, but I have a lot of pain. I have a lot of instability in my joints. It's a diagnosis that's really hard to get. Luckily, my personal doctor was really good about helping me pursue that diagnosis. It was really more going to other doctors.

Like I was having sleep issues, and I told that doctor that I had Ehlers-Danlos, and he said, "Well, why do you think you have that?" I was kind of like, "It's not that I think that I have it, I've been diagnosed with it." And I had to go through a neuro test that they look for as far as like flexibility in the body. So, I had like kind of go through this whole little song and dance, I felt like, to prove a diagnosis that I already received from another doctor.

Laura: Ugh. That's frustrating.

Emilia: So, having gone through that with other doctors, I just kind of had a little apprehension about bringing that up because I didn't want to be seen as somebody who is like, "I read this online and now I think I have it."

Laura: Yeah, I hear you. So, you talked with your family counselor and tell me what happened from there.

Emilia: She is wonderful. She talked through some of my childhood symptoms, my current things that I struggle with daily, and then she actually reached out to my primary care physician and had the conversation with him and told him, just so you know, Emilia's really, so she really acted as kind of like a liaison for me at first.

Laura: Great.

Emilia: It was amazing. Yeah, I mean, so much love and respect for her. I don't know what we would do without her. But then, after he talked to her, I had an appointment with him. He asked me the same kind of questions. What was childhood like? What are you dealing with now? She actually told me after he contacted her again, it was like, "Yeah, she has ADHD. I'm very comfortable helping her pursue this and going through medication and stuff."

Laura: So, what feelings did you experience with your diagnosis?

Emilia: It was really validating to know that all these things that I had struggled with for so long and thought that were, you know, like again, character flaws or things that I just needed to be better about, they had a medical reason behind them and it wasn't that I wasn't trying hard enough or that I, you now, wasn't a good kid when I was younger or that wasn't good adult or parent now that I'm older. It was something that I really needed medical intervention for.

Laura: And what kinds of strategies did you end up trying?

Emilia: I did do some counseling. I also started medication pretty quickly, which I was really comfortable with and really happy to do, because drawing from my teaching experience, there are some strategies that we learn to help kids who are struggling with either diagnosed or undiagnosed learning differences. And I had started to try to apply those for myself. So, I had kind of like a little bit of a base to go off of, but really talking to somebody about the idea that like, I needed to stop like negative self-talk.

Laura: I don't want to recreate any bad feelings for you, but if you're comfortable, could you share some of the negative self-talk that you were engaging in and how you flipped that? I think it would be really helpful for people who are going through the same.

Emilia: Absolutely. Especially when I was younger, it was really about being organized, getting due dates right, kind of being the person that I thought I should be. And anytime that I failed in staying organized, keeping my room clean, remembering what somebody had told me five minutes ago, whenever I failed at that, or I failed it being the person that i thought I was really hard on myself and just kind of like, "Why can't you do this? What's wrong with you? You're stupid. Which I know is not true, and it's certainly not a way that I would allow anybody to talk to like my own child or my students, but I was definitely doing that to myself.

And it's still something that I struggle with it. Those thoughts kind of creep in, like "Why can't I get it together?" And I really do have to have a lot of self-reflection. And when those thoughts kind of start to creep in, say, "Hold on a second. Calm down. Let's look at this, you know, remove yourself from the situation almost."

And just kind of remind myself that it's just something I struggle with and really drawing on those interventions that I have learned either through my experience as a teacher or, you know, my counseling, and say, "OK, you're overwhelmed. You did miss a deadline. What are the steps you're gonna take to make sure that you get caught back up and that you can prevent this in the future? And it's kind of like an ongoing conversation with myself. I don't think it's anything that I'll ever be done with. I think it's something I have to keep doing over and over again.

Laura: Well, good on you. I want to take a little bit of that energy with me through the rest of the day.

Tell me about other folks in your family. I think the term you used in our pre-interview was an avalanche of ADHD.

Emilia: Yes, absolutely.

Laura: There's a lot of ADHD in your family, which is, which makes sense because ADHD is genetic.

Emilia: Absolutely. Yeah. So, around the same time that my son was diagnosed, my sister was also diagnosed. She pursued that kind of on her own, and her doctor gave her that diagnosis. My brother, he's not been officially diagnosed, but he was kind of like the poster child for what you imagine an ADHD kid to be. He was just really energetic, really intelligent, good kid, but he needed to be on the move all the time, and he still does. So, my son's being diagnosed, My sister gets a diagnosis, I go. "Huh, wait a second, I think I might need a diagnosis."

And it was just kind of like all of a sudden, my poor mom had three kids who had ADHD when like the year before, nobody knew that we had it. So, yeah, it was definitely a lot of learning together, but I'm also really thankful that it happened that way because I could use my brother and sister as models for my son to say, "Look at how successful your aunt and your uncle are. They have ADHD, you're gonna be great, you're going to be fine because you have people to support you along the way."

Laura: What was your house like growing up? You had three kids with undiagnosed ADHD.

Emilia: Gosh, I look back on my childhood and think of how wonderful it was, actually, because my parents were really good parents. My mom and dad both were always in our corner, on our side, maybe sometimes when they shouldn't have been.

Laura: I wanna know about that, I wanna know what that means.

Emilia: Yeah, oh yeah. I kind of laugh about it. And I'm certainly, I'm grateful for this. I have to just preface this by saying I'm so grateful for this, but you know, every time that I procrastinated, my parents were not the kind to say, "Well, you're just going to have to take a zero. You're just gonna have to fail." They were like, great, we'll have to, they were mad about it, but they'll say, we'll have to stay up with you all night to get this done. And they did.

Laura: Oh, wow. Yeah.

Emilia: Yeah. And I mean, both my mom and my dad, if there was a project where I needed supplies and I didn't have them and it was due the next day, my parents were going to the local 24-hour grocery store and picking up poster board and markers for me at 11.30 at night and sitting down with me at the kitchen table and getting stuff done.

And I know that might be kind of a controversial idea. You know, we need to let our kids fail. I get that, I do. I think if my parents had done that and just let me fail at something, I think I just would have been so devastated and down on myself. I don't think it would have taught me a lesson because the lesson isn't that I just needed to be better. The lesson really was that I needed support. I needed help to make sure that I stayed on task.

Laura: It doesn't sound like they were coddling you. Is that?

Emilia: No. I mean, I was still the one getting the work done. I was the one staying up all night. They weren't doing anything for me except maybe going to run and get me supplies so I could get things done. They were staying up with me, so I wasn't up all day by myself.

Laura: How was it for your brother and sister? Was it similar?

Emilia: I think they had the same experience. I mean, for my brother, who I, you know, as I said, was kind of more of the poster child for ADHD, maybe got in trouble in school more than I did. My parents were always at school talking to his teachers, not in a combative way with the teachers, but saying, "You took recess away because he was talking too much. And then he got in trouble more for talking because she took recess away."

They were kind of having those conversations with his teachers to say, "If you want to give him a consequence for being disruptive, make him run laps around the gym and then come back to work." Which kind of knowing about ADHD now, like that's a great way to burn that energy off, instead of punishing a kid for having too much energy during class.

If any one of us had a complaint about a teacher, they were there that afternoon or the next day. Having a conversation and sometimes escalating it when needed to say like, "You know, this is the problem that my kid has brought forth. This is how we need to deal with it collectively, but also like we're not gonna let unfair treatment be accepted by our kids." And I do think that really did help me and my siblings kind of advocate for ourselves as we got older.

Laura: Yeah, strong sense of justice, a lot of empathy. I wonder, and I'm not asking you to diagnose your parents, but like, did they struggle?

Emilia: My dad definitely. Like, my dad has since passed away, so he's never gotten a diagnosis, but he and my brother were like twins. So, if one of my parents had ADHD, it was definitely him.

Laura: Did your, you and your son's parallel diagnoses, how did that impact your relationship?

Emilia: We have always had a really strong relationship, and that continued. I think that is something that we kind of bond over, that my other kids don't necessarily have that same relatability. For example, he misplaced something the other day, and I also had like misplaced my phone, and that's kind of a running joke in our house. Like "Mom's lost her phone again, everybody stop what you're doing. She's got to look for it."

So, I think that kind of when he misplaces something, especially if he's starting to get stressed out about it, I can kind of give them a look and I'm like "Do you remember I did this last week?" And he's like, "Yeah, OK." And it kind of like breaks the tension, and it kind of helps him to not be as angry with himself or stressed out about something that is definitely an ADHD symptom.

Laura: Did your son's diagnosis change how you approach some students in your classroom? Did you have your eyes peeled for different types of things potentially?

Emilia: It did. And I think that before his diagnosis, I was already an empathetic teacher. It's something that I actually pride myself on. Yeah. But it did just kind of open my eyes up even more to the way that I approach problems. I am always really careful now when I talk to my own students to say, "You know, you're not in trouble. I'm not mad at you. There's nothing wrong with you. There's to worry about." But, you know, If they have a 504 or an IEP, I might address some of those accommodations.

Or for kids who don't necessarily have a diagnosis, but I can tell that they could be performing better or they're struggling with something. I just say, "Hey, have you thought about this approach? Have you thought of this tactic to kind of make sure you're staying on task?" And I just try to come at it with even more empathy and just really reiterate, like, "This is just another way to learn. This might help you, and why don't you give it a try and see what happens?"

Laura: So glad that there are teachers like you out there. It's wonderful, and I know that there're a lot. I find it really fascinating that you are a high school and college instructor, teacher, and so much of what students need to learn at that age is being independent, task management, organization. Do you ever stop and reflect on that and how you're teaching strategies that you may struggle with yourself?

Emilia: I do, very much. And I think that I do hope that that comes through in my instruction, that it's something that some people are maybe naturally good at doing, and some people need help with. It's not something that is impossible for anyone. And just because one person is naturally good at keeping deadlines in mind, doesn't mean that somebody who isn't good at that can't find ways to support themselves.

So, for example, when I have students who are struggling with some kind of executive function disorder, whether they're diagnosed or not, I talk about things like using a timer, putting things into a calendar, setting reminders to yourself, setting timers on how long you are on social media.

Having accountability partners, having another student or another adult who you can kind of check in with and say, "This is how I'm doing today, I'm struggling," and have that person kind of talk you through not only ways you can implement some of those strategies, but also talk to you and say like, "That's OK. You're still a great person, you're a still capable person."

And those are strategies that I use myself, too. And I'm open with my students about that very much. So, I don't necessarily like broadcast it to the whole class. But if I'm having a conversation with a student or a small group, I tell them, "This is something I struggle with, too. This is what works for me. This is another idea that might work for you. Let's try it out and then let's check back in and see how it goes."

Laura: Talk me through a specific executive function challenge that you've struggled with.

Emilia: I have such a hard time getting to a place on time, whether it's a virtual meeting or physically to a meeting. I have so many timers set on my phone, and there's like a 15-minute warning, a 10-minute warning, a five-minute warning. On the flip side, if there's somebody I know I have to be like if I were to do say a job interview, I would arrive 45 minutes early and just kind of sit in the parking lot because I just know that if I'm gonna cut it any closer than that, something's gonna not work for me.

Laura: Totally. Same. I want all listeners to know that Emilia was perfectly on time for this interview. I don't know if you were there 45 minutes early. Were you extra early because you were worried?

Emilia: I was extra early. Yes, I sat here, I had a timer set on my phone, and I was texting with my sister who, just to say like, "Hey, if I'm still talking to you in five minutes, yell at me and tell me to get back to what I need to do."

Laura: What is the biggest ADHD myth that you'd like to see busted?

Emilia: I think the biggest myth is that ADHD kids are not successful in school. I think especially for girls who are kind of learn early how to mask those symptoms or deal with them, but maybe not in the most healthy way. What we think of an ADHD kid is the one that's like really hyperactive and loud and talking and can't sit down for five minutes to get stuff done, is really not the image for me.

And for a lot of people, there's the internal struggle. You might not see the loudness coming out of a kid's mouth, but there's a loudness in your mind. I mean, the kids who are sitting out quiet, staring out the window, when they say, "Huh, you asked me a question?" Like that could be an ADHD kid as well, and they need the same kind of supports.

Laura: Do you ever have to have these conversations, busting these myths, or maybe pointing out symptoms with your high school students or with their parents? I guess I'm not sure how it works at that higher age.

Emilia: I have to be very careful about bringing those things up because I don't want to diagnose. I usually, if I have a kid who I suspect is having trouble with executive dysfunction, I talk about executive dysfunction and just say like, "You know, sometimes it's overwhelming or sometimes you just have a hard time getting started." And I think that's a statement that can be true for anybody, but especially true for people with ADHD or other learning differences. So, I kind of talk about it in general terms.

And then I share my own, like, you know, "I have ADHD and this is how I feel." And I kind of try to put a seed in their brain, and this for parents as well. Just kind of like, "I had ADHD and I did not look like a hyperactive kid. I struggled with getting work done. I struggled with procrastinating. I struggled with deadlines. Your child is also struggling with those things. What do you think?" And kind of put it out there like.

Laura: It's amazing what that disclosure, and not saying that everyone needs to disclose, like that is a very personal choice, but that disclosure can do. I remember having an interaction with a mom who was wondering if her child had ADHD, and she was asking me questions because she knows where I work. And then I said, "Well, I have ADHD." And the look on her face, she was so shocked. She was like, "Really?" Something clicked. I don't know what she did with that information, but I saw an acknowledgement. Something was blocked, and then something was instantly unblocked.

Emilia: We mentioned what are some myths about ADHD. And I think the idea of like being a successful professional. I don't think a lot of people think of successful professionals as people who might have ADHD, but I mean, I'm a teacher. I have a master's degree. My sister is a lawyer. My brother, he's a welder who is making more than the teacher and the lawyer combined, but we think about people who struggled with school, and then like, what are you going to do when you're a grownup and stuff? And there are a lot of people who have ADHD, and they're able to be successful adults as well.

Laura: Emilia, thank you so much for being here with me today. It's so lovely to talk with you. I can only imagine how amazing of a teacher you are.

Emilia: Oh, thank you. Tell my students that when they're, you know...

Laura: You can play this episode for them.

Emilia: Guess what we're doing today, guys, yeah. Well, thank you for having me. It's really helpful for me to kind of talk about these things and just let people know you're not alone, and it's OK, and you're not broken, you're fine. You just might need a little extra support here and there.

Laura: Thanks for listening today. As always, if you want to share your own aha moment, email us at adhdaha@understood.org. I'd love to hear from you. And check out the show notes for this episode. We have more resources and links to anything we mentioned in the episode.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give.

"ADHD Aha!" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli. Say hi, Jessamine!

Jessamine: Hi, everyone.

Laura: And Margie DeSantis.

Margie: Hey, hey.

Laura: Video was produced by Calvin Knie. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also mixes the show. Samiah Adams is our supervising producer. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. From Understood.org, our executive directors are Scott Cocchiere and Seth Melnick. And I'm your host, Laura Key.