ADHD and: Oversharing

For many women with ADHD, oversharing is more than just a social misstep. It’s a response that often feels automatic. And it can be quite difficult to get under control. 

In this episode of ADHD and, watch as Dr. Monica Johnson explains the link between ADHD and oversharing. Find out why oversharing happens so often for some women with ADHD, sometimes without them even realizing it. And get strategies to better manage those urges to share a little too much information.

We love to hear from our listeners. Email us at podcast@understood.org.

Related resources 

• ADHD and oversharing

• ADHD, oversharing, and mom guilt (Lacey’s story)

Timestamps

(01:10) What is oversharing?

(04:00) Why women with ADHD overshare

(11:35) How to manage oversharing 

Episode transcript

Dr. J: Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a conversation and then realized suddenly that you probably shared much more than you intended? Maybe it's something that's a little too personal or a little too vulnerable, or just simply a bit too much information. I witness these scenarios all the time, and if you're a woman living with ADHD, you probably found yourself in this situation more often than you'd like to admit.

This is "ADHD and," where we talk about everyday life and ADHD. I'm your host, Dr. J. I'm a licensed psychologist who works with people with ADHD. Today we're talking about ADHD and oversharing.

For women with ADHD, oversharing can feel almost automatic. It's as though the words want to spill straight from your brain out of your mouth and there's never even a chance to hit pause. And while it may allow us to feel super connected in the moment, afterwards it can leave us questioning our social boundaries. Let's create a shared definition of oversharing.

(01:10) What is oversharing?

Oversharing refers to disclosing excessive or inappropriate information for a given context. It often occurs when the shared details are too intimate, irrelevant, or uncomfortable for the listener or the setting. Oversharing can lead to awkward situations, strained relationships, or harm to your professional or social image. Here are some examples of oversharing in different settings.

The first one I'll talk about is at a party setting. So, this could be talking about deeply personal health issues or relationship problems with people that you've just met who are mostly just strangers and acquaintances. So, here's an example. It could be like someone saying, "I have IBS and I'm so scared to eat anything at this party. I am totally going to turn their bathroom into a Jackson Pollock painting. By the way, do you know where the bathroom is located?".

Now, to be clear, IBS is super difficult to deal with sometimes, and I'm pretty sure that person didn't expect to hear that on a first encounter. On social media, it can look like posting minute-by-minute updates about every aspect of your life, including arguments, medical details, or overly emotional statements. I see 52-part TikToks where people are airing infidelity sagas that would rival any soap opera. I also see people sharing videos of them at work not working and then getting fired.

I tell my patients all the time, "Y'all talk to the internet like it's capable of keeping a secret." Yeah, some of it is really entertaining, but oversharing can have real downsides and there's no takebacks on the internet.

Lastly, I'll mention professional settings so this can be discussing financial problems, marital issues, or any other deeply personal matter in the work setting. Usually, this is no good and doesn't work out well for people. An example of this could be going to your boss who you don't have a close or personal relationship with and saying something like, "I'm so broke because my spouse is terrible with money and we're fighting all the time. I haven't had good sleep in three days." Now, this is a situation where your boss is not your friend.

And as a general rule, there are exceptions. This is not the kind of conversation that we would have with them. On the flip side, if you have a boss acting like or trying to be your friend, that could be a sign that they have poor boundaries.

Oversharing can be a common struggle for women with ADHD due to a combination of neurological, emotional, and societal factors. These challenges are rooted in the traits of ADHD, such as impulsivity, emotional dysregulation, and a heightened sensitivity to social dynamics. Let's get into some of the reasons why women with ADHD may overshare.

(04:00) Why women with ADHD overshare

The first one is impulsivity. The challenge here is that ADHD often involves difficulty with controlling impulses, including the impulse to speak without considering the appropriateness or timing of what is being said. The effect of this is that it can often lead to blurting out personal information without reflecting on the context. An example could be sharing intimate details of your personal life in a casual work setting or with the person that you just met.

The second one is emotional dysregulation. Many women with ADHD experience heightened emotions and may feel a strong desire to express themselves in order to process these feelings. The effect is that they might share their emotions in raw and unfiltered ways when it actually makes more sense to show restraint in the setting. So, an example of this could be venting about a conflict with a family member or a partner with a cashier at a grocery store.

The third reason is a desire for connection. Women with ADHD may struggle with feelings of social rejection or feeling misunderstood. They may overshare as an attempt to forge deeper connections or find a common ground. The effect is that this vulnerability might lead to sharing too much information in an effort to bond quickly with others. For example, this could be opening up about a difficult childhood trauma or struggling with mental health issues when you first are trying to start a new relationship or friendship.

Number four is difficulty reading social cues. The challenge here is that ADHD can affect a person's ability to pick up on subtle social cues or to gauge their comfort level in a conversation. The effect here is that they might not realize when their oversharing is making other people uncomfortable or when it might be time to change the topic. So, an example of this could be continuing to share personal anecdotes when the person is showing signs of disinterest or discomfort.

The fifth thing I want to mention is hyperfocus and overthinking. The challenge here is that hyperfocus on certain topics can lead to lengthy discussions, sometimes oversharing in the way of too much personal information about a topic. And in other ways, the other party just isn't as interested in the topic as you are. While overthinking may result in over explanation to justify your thoughts, your feelings, or your actions, the effect here is that you might share more information than was intended in an effort to be understood or to cover all aspects of the story.

So, for example, this could be repeatedly revisiting or elaborating on a topic or story that the person has already heard and shown that they're no longer interested in.

The sixth thing that I'm going to mention is masking and people-pleasing. So, a challenge for women with ADHD is they often have to mask their symptoms or engage in people-pleasing in order to fit in. The effect is that this can backfire and lead to them feeling exposed or vulnerable afterward. An example of this is sharing personal struggles with a co-worker only to regret it later.

Oversharing can have a lot of harmful effects and actually be counterproductive to your goals of finding community and deepening relationships. It can also lead to feelings of rejection, shame, or vulnerability, but in the way that doesn't feel good. Referring back to my example of the first date. I have witnessed so many instances where someone has gone on a first date and in an effort to really connect with the other person, shared really personal or deep details about their lives. There was no ill intention. They just wanted to feel connected, understood, seen, validated.

However, in those encounters, the person either responded poorly or ghosted them afterward. Secondarily, whether it's a date, a party, or the person sitting next to you on the plane, when people share too much information, it can be really uncomfortable for the other person and the person may not know what to do or what to say because there are no good responses. I'll give you an example from my own life.

Once, when I was flying on a plane on my way to a funeral, a person sat next to me and started a conversation. They asked me what I do for work, and I was honest. Maybe it was a rookie move on my part as a baby psychologist, but what happened after that was that they spent the next four hours letting me know in excruciating detail all of the intergenerational trauma that themselves and their family members had experienced over the decades. What does a person do in this situation?

On one hand, person to person, I have empathy for the situation. Following that same train of thought, I'm a person too. I was tired and I had a lot on my mind and I desired for that time to be mine, to be with my own thoughts, which doesn't happen as much as I would like to in my life. To be clear, I believe that as a human being, we all have a social responsibility to the other. If I see a person fall down in the street and I'm capable, I should go over and help to pick that person up.

In a scenario like this. Some people will say that you can politely decline, but it's unlikely to feel polite to the other person. And when you don't know someone and your first interaction with them is oversharing, you're likely to assume that conflict with that person is going to be even more uncomfortable, whether it be because they get angry or offended or disappointed or sad. If you truly don't want to hurt someone else, we tend to pick the path of least resistance, which is often masking or avoidance.

I did end up listening and engaging for the entire plane ride because any subtle way that I tried to wind down the conversation, it didn't work. I even went to the bathroom and as soon as I got back, they picked up where they left off. That experience led to me never telling a stranger on a plane that I'm a psychologist because I want to avoid that experience altogether. However, don't worry, if there's ever a person on a plane having a panic attack and they ask me, "Is there a psychologist on board?," I will raise my hand.

So, if you've been in a scenario like this and been ghosted by a potential love interest or friend, I don't know all the details, they could totally be a bad actor. But if the facts don't support that, it may just be that they were overwhelmed and didn't know what else to do other than avoid. From a professional perspective, it can harm our reputation or lead to financial consequences in some instances. And I get it. In some of these scenarios, we definitely want the rules to be different. I want to acknowledge that.

What is also true, though, is that you are a human being with needs like shelter, security, food, etc.. Going online and posting TikTok dances from your workplace or calling your boss names, even if those names are closer to the truth than not, can lead to a lot of consequences. It can lead to a situation where you regret it, where you impact your livelihood, where you are engaging in a lot of negative exchanges that are taking your mental health. You really want to be thoughtful.

There are some conversations that should only be had with a close friend, family member, priest, or your therapist. Now I'm going to leave you with a couple of skills that you can use in these types of scenarios. I want you to remember that even though you may struggle with this now, with practice, most things can improve.

(11:35) How to manage oversharing

I'm going to first walk you through a skill called mindfulness of others and some of the steps of it that relate to oversharing. The first step is to observe and notice, focus on the other person's verbal and nonverbal cues without making assumptions or judgments. Pay attention to their tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, and word choice. For example, if someone's tone is flat and they're avoiding eye contact, that may be a sign that they're feeling upset or disengaged.

Step two is to practice active listening. Give your full attention to the other person avoiding distractions like your phone or even your own thoughts. You also want to validate their emotions and experiences by paraphrasing and acknowledging those feelings. It shows that you're listening and that you're understanding and connecting the dots. Active listening often leads to productive dialog.

Step three is to stay present. Resist the urge to think about what you want to say next or allowing your mind to wander. If you're finding that you're more focused on your own thoughts or your desires to say something, that's a sign that you're probably not mindfully attuned to the other person. This can lead to you oversharing or straight up ignoring subtle cues that they're giving you in the moment.

If you notice any sort of anxiety or uncomfortable feelings during these interactions, you can use grounding techniques like breathing deeply, trying to notice the feeling of your feet on the floor or something that I often give to my patients who are more tactile is I'll have them go to the store and get like a square of fabric. So this could be like a material like velvet that you find to be soothing and you can hold this in your hand or leave it in your pocket so that you have kind of like a safety net for yourself.

Here is a bonus. Dr. J tip from the introvert perspective. I'm not an oversharer, but I can get overwhelmed in social situations and everything will turn into white noise for me. So, in those moments I mentally sound it out, meaning that as they're talking, I mentally sound out the words that they're saying, kind of like lip reading so that I can stay attuned and connected to what words they're using, their facial expressions or their body language. I typically don't have to do it the entire time, so I do it long enough that I feel grounded in the moment, and I'm not worried that I'll get lost in my own mind.

Step four is to balance your awareness of yourself and others. So, you want to keep your focus on the other person while also being aware of your boundaries and needs. You want to avoid losing yourself in the interaction by overprioritizing their needs at your expense. For example, let's say that you're in a tense conversation with someone. You could say something like, "I hear that you're upset and you want to continue talking about this, but I need a moment to gather my thoughts." This can allow you the space to take a time out and attend to your emotional needs so that you can avoid becoming dysregulated and responding in a way that you're going to regret later.

Step six is to avoid mind reading. If you're unsure about how someone feels or thinks, ask clarification questions rather than making assumptions. For example, "You seem quiet. Are you OK or is something on your mind?" These types of actions will allow you to learn more about what the cue means to that person so that over time you can become better at reading their social cues.

Another skill that I talk about with my patients is around this idea of concentric circles of closeness. Yes, I love alliteration. In this concept, you want to think about you being the center. Each ring around you is a different level of closeness. The further away from you, the more distant the relationship. You get to define what's OK on each level for yourself. If someone is in your innermost circle that is top-level clearance, they had to earn that. And there are probably a few secrets that will never be declassified.

What goes on each level and how to earn different degrees of closeness is based on the amount of time, effort, and shared vulnerability. And yeah, there are a few other variables, but those are likely ones that you're going to choose based on what's important to you and your values. Think about what makes sense based on where the person lands.

For example, let's say that you have five rings. Someone you just met is on the fifth ring. What do we talk about when someone is on this level? We typically talk about things like the weather, work, hobbies, and we may talk about our family, but we're not going to reveal any skeletons. You may say that your parents are divorced, but you're probably not going to tell the story about how your dad's alcoholism and infidelity ravage the family for decades. That's likely too much for level five.

Even if you're processing your trauma and therapy and you feel OK with it, you don't know this person. At a level five that may be punching above their weight, not because you're too much, but simply because they're not ready. If you thought that you're going to a location to drop off a resume and all of a sudden you were asked to be in an interview with no prep, you would be overwhelmed, too.

On the flip side, if you met someone yesterday and they're encouraging you, perhaps even through their own sharing of information, to disclose more than you feel comfortable with, make sure that you pay attention to your boundaries. That person has not proven that they can be responsible with that information. So you really want to keep that in mind.

That's it for today. Thank you so much for listening. If you decide to use any of these strategies, let me know how it goes. If it's too embarrassing for the comment section, just let me know that I don't have the clearance, but that you're using skills and doing your best. If you enjoyed this episode, I highly recommend our episode on ADHD and rejection sensitivity where I explain how ADHD can amplify feelings of rejection. Don't forget to subscribe to the channel and I'll catch you all on the next episode of "ADHD and."

This show is brought to you by Understood.org, a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. Learn more at Understood.org.

"ADHD and" is produced by Tara Drinks and edited by Alyssa Shea. Our video producer is Calvin Knie. Ash Beecher is our supervising producer. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. Our audio engineer and music composer is Justin D. Wright. Our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick. And I'm your host, Dr. J.