What the report card isn’t telling you: How to support a child who is masking
July 27, 2026
Every parent of a school-age child knows the feeling of walking into a parent-teacher conference. You replay all the challenges you’ve been navigating at home. The emotional outbursts. The anxiety. The tears over homework. The constant reminders. The exhaustion of trying to help your child stay afloat.
Then the teacher smiles and says, “She’s a pleasure to have in class.” “He’s one of my hardest workers.” “I wish I had a whole class full of kids like this.”
Instead of feeling relieved, you’re left feeling confused. How can the child who falls apart after school every day be the same child everyone describes as thriving in the classroom?
Many parents wonder if they’re doing something wrong. Others worry that no one believes what they’re experiencing at home.
As a psychologist, I’ve had this conversation with countless families. Here’s what I want parents to know: A glowing report card doesn’t always tell the whole story. Sometimes, the child who appears to be doing fine is working incredibly hard just to keep it together. They’re pushing through anxiety, perfectionism, or attention challenges while trying to meet everyone’s expectations. And by the time they get home, there’s simply nothing left in the tank.
In some cases, what looks like success on the outside may actually be masking. This is when someone hides their struggles, suppresses their needs, or works overtime to appear as though everything is fine. When kids mask their challenges, it’s often invisible to the adults around them. But over time, it can come at a significant emotional cost.
Masking vs. self-regulation
Through my work at The Childhood Collective, I often hear parents confuse masking with self-regulation. While making and self-regulation can look similar on the surface, they come from very different places.
Masking is when a child hides their challenges, needs, or authentic self because they’re afraid of judgment, rejection, getting in trouble, or appearing different. It’s often driven by anxiety, perfectionism, fear of failure, or a desire to fit in.
Self-regulation, on the other hand, is an important life skill. It’s the ability to manage emotions, control impulses, and adjust behavior to fit a situation. It’s driven by self-awareness, coping skills, and a sense of safety.
A simple way to think about it: Self-regulation is learning how to manage a challenge, while masking is trying to make sure no one sees the challenge.
There are many resources for spotting and understanding masking:
The reality of masking in the classroom
Kids can mask anywhere, but school is one of the most common places I see it show up. Some children become so focused on meeting expectations and avoiding mistakes that they hide their struggles rather than ask for help. Over time, masking can become closely tied to anxiety, perfectionism, and a fear of failure.
One of the best ways parents can support a child who may be masking is by partnering with teachers. A child who looks like they’re doing fine on the surface may be working much harder than anyone realizes. Share what you’re seeing at home and ask questions that go beyond grades: How much support do they need? How long are assignments taking? Do they participate in class? Are they comfortable asking for help?
Signs your child is masking
Masking can take a significant emotional, psychological, and physical toll on a child. Kids who mask may experience higher levels of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. They often feel misunderstood or worry that others won’t accept them if they show their true struggles. In my office, I also see many exhausted children who spend all day holding it together at school, only to experience big emotions once they get home.
Keep an eye out for these key signs that your child is masking:
School as a support system
When I work with families, we explore accommodations that help children access the support they need in the classroom. When the right supports are in place, kids are less likely to feel like they have to push through challenges in silence or work twice as hard just to appear okay. Here are a few examples:
Impactful classroom accommodations:
Movement breaks that kids don’t have to ask permission for or that don’t seem obvious to peers
Signals between student and teacher, so asking for help is less obvious to peers
Flexible seating options
Strategies that support executive function skills:
Chunking assignments: breaking big projects into step-by-step tasks
Visual schedules and checklists
Extended time for assignments
I also highly recommend formalizing support through a 504 plan or an Individualized Education Plan (IEP). These plans help ensure consistent support from year to year and teacher to teacher, so kids don’t have to repeatedly prove that they’re struggling before getting the help they need.
Learn more about school advocacy, accommodations, and formal plans:
Creating a “mask-free zone” at home for your child
Parents can create a safe home environment that encourages kids to be their authentic selves.
Educate with empathy. Teach your kid about their diagnosis in an age-appropriate way. When kids understand how their brain works, they stop viewing challenges as personal failures. Knowledge helps reduce shame and leads to self-advocacy.
Practice self-advocacy. I love using role-play to help kids practice speaking up and advocating in the classroom. Have them practice saying things like:
“Can you explain that another way?”
“Can I have a movement break?”
“I need help getting started.”
Create a decompression zone. Avoid making the first 30–60 minutes after school about homework. Instead, encourage outdoor play, movement, snacks, and hydration. Lower demands and give your child some choice in how they unwind after a long day. Talk with them about what helps them recharge, and remember that decompression looks different for every child.
Here are some strategies and expert guidance for supporting a child who is masking:
The Understood Assistant: Helps parents brainstorm accommodations, understand behaviors, and prepare for school meetings
From “hiding” to “thriving”
The ultimate goal of parenting a child with ADHD isn’t to help them blend in or hide who they are. Our goal is to help them understand themselves and advocate for the support they need. By creating a safe space at home and giving them the tools to speak up at school, we teach them that they’re worthy of support exactly as they are.
Dr. Lori Long is a licensed psychologist and co-founder of The Childhood Collective, specializing in toddler and child evaluations for ADHD, autism, learning disorders, and anxiety.
