Reality TV, undiagnosed ADHD, and rejection sensitivity: Dance Moms’ Christi Lukasiak

For decades, Christi Lukasiak was handed diagnoses that didn’t fit: Depression. Anxiety. Borderline personality. Bipolar. She was navigating with the wrong map. Then a new therapist asked one question, and everything clicked. It was ADHD.

Christi is a TV personality, creator, and host of Back to the Barre with Christi and Kelly. Christi talks about the grief of a late ADHD diagnosis, coping with misdiagnosis, and what it means to finally give yourself grace. We also go somewhere no guest has gone on this show: reality TV. What does it look like to have undiagnosed ADHD on a reality TV show — and would she have even been cast if she’d known?

• Listen: How social media changed ADHD forever

• Read: How to handle ADHD misdiagnosis

• Watch: ADHD and rejection sensitivity

Christi Lukasiak: That inability to filter yourself, it made me great reality TV, but what people didn't realize is after that, the way I would just ruminate. You know, you play that conversation over and over in your head, or an argument that you said something you didn't mean.

Well, mine now lives in infamy and it keeps replaying and replaying and replaying. The emotional cost it was to me to be on that show, now I'm looking back and reflecting, it really was profound.

Laura Key: Hi everyone, and welcome back to "ADHD Aha!", the show where people share the moment when it finally clicked that they have ADHD.

Today I'm here with TV personality and creator Christi Lukasiak. You may remember her from "Dance Moms," where she was a fierce defender of her talented daughter Chloe. Well, Christi was diagnosed with ADHD recently, and it explained her life in a way that nothing else had.

Christi, welcome to the show. So glad that you're here today in your beautiful space!

Christi: Hi, Laura. Thank you. Thank you for having me.

Laura: So let's start with your diagnosis. Tell me, what was going on? What led you to get evaluated?

Christi: I'm a therapy girlie. I've been in therapy probably my entire life. I had just started working with a new therapist last fall, and we were sitting having a conversation and just kind of talking through some things. And he stopped and he looked at me and he said, "Has anyone ever talked to you about ADHD?"

And I said, "No." I said, "What are you talking about?" I said, "I was a really good student." That was my immediate go-to. He said, "That's not what ADHD is."

He gave me some literature to take home and he said, "Why don't you read through this, and we'll circle back next week." Did you hear I'm a really good student? So I read it in the car. By the time I got home, I was already investigating all of it.

You know, I went online and did a deep dive. Probably by dinner, a light had gone off, because there's not one thing that stood out to me. I think what stood out to me is everything fit, like the entire list.

It was uncanny, because I had gone through in my adult lifetime a multitude of different diagnoses that everyone was like, "It's this, it's this, it's this." But none of them ever felt right to me. I kept saying, "Okay, I don't think so, but I'm not the professional, you know."

And then when I read that, it was a light had gone off and really, really pivotal moment in my life.

Laura: How did you feel?

Christi: I think I probably went through a range of emotions. At first, I felt very validated. And then I started to feel — I don't want to say angry, but upset. It wasn't I wasn't a person who avoided any sort of, however you want to say it, like mental health self-reflection.

I've always been pretty — regardless of what you've seen on television, because you might watch that person on TV and think a certain way — but I've always been pretty introspective about myself, and always trying to like improve. How can I do better? How can I do this?

And so I got a little bit angry because I'm like, my job wasn't to know this. Somebody else should have known. And then we can go down like the entire conversation about how women and girls typically weren't diagnosed, especially my age.

And then there was a real grief period, because I — and then I still get a little choked up.

Laura: It's okay.

Christi: Like, my life would have been so different had I understood where I had to like white-knuckle it all the time.

Laura: Yeah, I hear that. The white-knuckling. What would have been different?

Christi: Well, first of all, I probably would have given myself a lot more grace at times. And I mean, I think probably, I would imagine that most people have masking, but also coping mechanisms. Almost like scaffolding that you build around your life to get basic things done.

And I would have found — I mean, I have workarounds for it, but maybe different support. Like just being more forthright in what I needed, instead of just being like, "Well, if I can't do this," and putting judgment on myself for that.

If I'm not good at something, give it to somebody else instead of me expending all of that emotional and mental energy on something that is just not my thing.

(04:29) Navigating past misdiagnoses and finding the right medical support.

Laura: We talked about misdiagnosis. Had you been diagnosed with other things prior to the ADHD diagnosis?

Christi: Sure. Always depression and anxiety, always. I also was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. And then they're like, "No, that's not right." And then they were like, "You're bipolar, so we're going to put you on all of these medications." That's not right.

Laura: Oh, wow.

Christi: All of these outstanding diagnoses out there. You always question like, "Well, is it this? Could it be this? Could it be a combination?"

I actually went about two months ago and did an entire full like psych eval, if you will. I don't even know what it exactly it was.

Laura: Neuropsych, probably?

Christi: I think so. It was like four hours. I mean, we did my IQ, just how my brain works completely.

And I specifically told the person I was speaking with, I said, "These were things that I have been diagnosed with throughout my lifetime. You know, I would like to know if they are underlying or they are something else, I just want to know. Because I feel like mental health is so like one person says this, one person says that, and then it's gospel, and then like you walk away with information that's not correct. And then you drive a road with the wrong map." And so —

Laura: Ooh, that's a great analogy, Christi. I'm going to keep that one for later.

Christi: For sure. You're like, "Where am I going?" Or you're like, "That doesn't make sense. There's no turn here. What am I doing?"

And then I got like the full 45-page report yesterday: I have ADHD. I have some other things, like PTSD, as you can imagine, from some other things. And it literally says, "You do not have" — you know, insert everything else.

I don't have anxiety and depression. I don't. I have other things that were like trauma responses, and then when you lump it in with the ADHD of it all, it presents in a way that people might misconstrue as other diagnoses.

Laura: Yeah. That's so hard for women especially.

Christi: It's hard for women especially because, again, I had been treated — and I'm not trying to make this a, you know, like a battle of the sexes — but people who had kept lumping me into all of these traditionally have been men throughout my adult life, and, "We're going to put you on this medication and that medication."

And so when I did this evaluation, I switched to a new provider as far as who's managing my medications. I am with a woman and she specializes in women my age who might be perimenopausal, because that could be a whole thing.

And just I feel very supported. I feel very seen. I feel heard. When I say I'm like titrating off of other things that I had been on, I don't need any of it. And it's really sad that people just kept saying like, "Take this, take this." I don't need that. I don't need it.

So my biggest piece of advice to people is don't just take what people tell you as gospel. You know yourself. Like keep looking for answers if it doesn't seem to fit.

Because I probably would still be taking the same medications and going down the same path, sitting in talk therapy, and feeling wildly frustrated at the end of the day.

(07:47) Looking back at "Dance Moms" through the lens of ADHD.

Laura: Christi, I just want to say up front that, as someone with ADHD, being on a reality show is one of the scariest things I can imagine, right? And obviously you at the time didn't know that you had ADHD.

Christi: No, not at all.

Laura: I think about some of the things, like some of the highly emotional reactions that I've had, the things that I've done and said. And if I had a camera on me, I feel like it would make it 10 times worse.

So maybe we start there. Like when you look back at "Dance Moms" and that experience, knowing what you know now, what goes through your head?

Christi: I would say a lot of my symptoms probably made me great reality television. And you're saying, you know, like you're reactive. Well, that might make you a generational icon.

Laura: And you are an icon, Christi. Okay, let's be real about this, okay?

Christi: Well, it's become a joke in my house, because I was introduced at something once and they were like, "A generational icon." I'm like, "What is happening?"

Laura: Own it. Take it.

Christi: I can't to the full extent, because my children humble me a lot. That inability to filter yourself, again, it made me great reality TV.

But what people didn't realize is like after that, the way I would just ruminate and just that feeling. I mean, I can't even explain to you how many nights I laid awake at night.

You know, you play that conversation over and over in your head that you had, an awkward conversation, or an argument that you had with somebody that you said something you didn't mean. Well, mine now lives in infamy and it keeps replaying and replaying and replaying.

And again, yes, great reality TV. The emotional cost it was to me to be on that show, now I'm looking back and reflecting, it really was profound. It really was.

It's actually interesting, like when I talk to my current therapist, we treat "Dance Moms" as its own timeline of things that need addressed, because of that particular — you know, oftentimes you look at childhood or a marriage. Like "Dance Moms" for me is definitely a time frame that we look at and we work through, because of a lot of the emotions that I still have to it.

And my podcast, we go back every week and rewatch it, so I'm reliving it! And then I'm like, "Oh my god, like this is terrible!"

Laura: You're very brave and very strong.

I have moments where I think back to some of the things that I did, especially before I got diagnosed with ADHD. And it's not that like you get diagnosed and all of a sudden you don't do those things anymore, but like there's an awareness now.

And so I look back and I'm like, "Oh my god, I can't — " I think about emails that I sent, emotional reactions that I had, and I just — I know exactly what you mean. The laying in the bed, your stomach's churning, it is the rumination.

Christi: The anxiety of it all.

Laura: Right. And feeling misunderstood, I imagine.

Christi: Yes, feeling misunderstood. And so my anxiety was always so high, and it still is, especially when I'm going back and I'm rewatching and I'm reliving those moments.

Laura: If you had been diagnosed before "Dance Moms," do you think you would have done the show?

Christi: Oh yeah. Yeah, I would have done it. I mean, I wouldn't have done "Dance Moms" for other reasons. Look back, you know, like hindsight's 20/20.

But I don't look at a diagnosis as something that would prevent me from doing. I would have done the show in a minute. I would have done it probably in a different capacity.

For me, stimulants have made a huge difference in my life, so I don't know if they would have cast me, because I might not have been as reactive.

Laura: So interesting, Christi. Yeah.

Christi: I can exist in a world where I'm not always like knee-jerk reaction, where I take a moment, I take a beat. And that's not maybe what producers want.

Laura: Probably not. What would that Christi have been like, though, on the show? Like maybe pick a moment, if you're comfortable with it, and say like what would have been different.

Christi: I have a lot of explosive moments where I just, you know, off the cuff am arguing or yelling. But now that I'm like thinking back — because sometimes it's hard for me to remember what is a clip and what was my experience, because  they are different.

People will say, "The show is this," and I said, "Well, that's not what my experience was, because you're watching an edited version of that week, where I'm remembering the entire week."

And so a lot of times like you'll see an explosive moment, but it took a lot of time like pushing, pushing, pushing, pushing, pushing to get somebody to that moment. So you don't see all of that; you just see the reaction.

So I was going to say I probably would have been less reactive. I was thinking of one fight in particular, but that was a very slow burn all day. Like they pushed me all day and I did react.

I would say some of my quicker reactions that are probably TikTok memes wouldn't have happened. It's the memes that probably wouldn't exist.

Laura: Right.

Christi: Which then I'm not a generational icon, so you know, pick your poison.

Laura: Right, there's something about even there's the treatment for ADHD and even the knowledge of ADHD that allows you to have like that one quarter of a second longer before I react to something, right? Not always, but —

Christi: I was going to say, at the end of the day, though, I mean, you can, the best-laid plans, you know, you can be like, "I'm going to take a beat," and then somebody starts picking on your 9-year-old, and you're like, "You know what? I can't."

Laura: That's a whole nother level. As the mother of an 11-year-old and an 8-year-old right now, like that, the fierceness that comes with that regardless, and then like the emotional regulation with undiagnosed ADHD, I mean, that is a stew.

Christi: Yes. Yes. Now think about it. Your 11-year-old, Chloe had already been on television for two years by the time she was 11, which is wild to think about.

(13:44) Protecting children from reality TV and family reactions to her diagnosis.

Christi: That's an entirely different podcast. I do not believe children belong on reality television in any capacity. That sounds hypocritical, but also I think as somebody who lived it, I think I can speak very knowledgeably about that.

I don't have regrets, because  I don't like to think like — I don't like to look back in my life and be like, "Oh, I really regret that." I like to look at it like, that's what happened. I made the best choice with the information I had at that point, and we're going to move forward with it. But knowing what I know now, I would not put a child on reality, ever.

Laura: What does your daughter Chloe, what does she say about your ADHD diagnosis?

Christi: I think for my girls, for Chloe especially, because I was just diagnosed last fall, she has not lived with me since the diagnosis and since like medication and just kind of recalibrating my whole system, if you will. So she probably doesn't experience it at the same level as my younger daughter.

And my younger daughter, we had a conversation last night. She's like, "You're a completely different person than you were two years ago." Which to me, I think is a compliment, and it speaks to knowing yourself.

Chloe and I have a different relationship, where she's kind of like, "Okay, you know, like let's talk about what's going on over here," you know? She's 25. She has her own amazing things going on. We spend a lot of time talking about that.

Laura: Is rejection sensitivity part of your story?

Christi: 100%.

Laura: Tell me about that.

Christi: Well, I make a living on social media, which is probably the cruelest place in the world. And I will read things about myself that are so wildly hurtful, and I will spend three days like thinking of that.

Then you start thinking, "Well, if all these people think this, it must be true." And then you're like very hurt by these things. And I don't mean just hurt. I mean like wounded in your soul by it.

And it's rough. Like it is rough. That is one area that I struggle with, because again, it is my business. However, I have to have better boundaries with social media and allowing it into my bubble.

Laura: Man, Christi, you have a really thick skin.

Christi: Thanks. I don't feel that way sometimes when I lay in bed at night and cry.

Laura: That's totally fair. I'm not you. I can't imagine like what it's like inside of yourself, right?

But do you feel that ADHD kind of contributed to you being able to cope with this? Like things that you've experienced as a result of your ADHD has helped you have a thick skin?

Christi: Absolutely. Being somebody who was undiagnosed for 48 years, we build systems and we learn how to mask, and you become very resilient. That is a word that I would use to describe myself: I'm very resilient.

And I think truly that comes from dealing with things I didn't realize were symptoms, I just thought were me, my whole life.

(17:09) Advice to her younger self and addressing the diagnosis gap in women.

Laura: If you could sit down with 20-, 25-year-old Christi today, what would you say to her?

Christi: Oh, girl.

Laura: Putting you on the spot here.

Christi: No, no, I know. I'm just thinking like, there was so much going on with me when I was 25 specifically, because I just had a baby. And I was really unqualified, like in so many regards, to raise another human being.

I would tell her, first of all, go talk to somebody who might understand this, which we all would say. But if that's not going to be the advice, I would say so many things that you feel and experience, I don't want to say are not your fault, because I think people have to take accountability, but have a reason to them that is simply not a personality flaw.

You know, it's not a personality flaw. It's not like a judgment on your character. It's literally a chemical in your brain that isn't there, and you're going to be really hard on yourself for something that is science. That's hard to kind of wrap your head around, I think.

Laura: Yeah, and it's life-changing.

Christi: Yes.

Laura: I mean, that would have changed your life, I'm sure, to hear that. You might not be sitting here with me today, because maybe you would have had your aha, you know —

Christi: I would have probably had it years ago. Although, I don't know. That was a question, because I do know there's a lot of information out there about girls not even really being considered or diagnosed in my age range until what, the early 2000s, late '90s, early 2000s, I think.

Laura: And even then it was like not very much. It was really in the pandemic that ADHD diagnoses in women doubled during the pandemic.

Christi: I did not realize that. That's actually very interesting.

Laura: And if you think about, you know, there's so many reasons for that. I'm not the authority on this, but I'm sure that we all have our hypotheses: TikTok with a lot of ADHD content happening, people stuck at home. "What's going on with me? My brain, my body, so restless, managing so many things." We have more telehealth options.

Christi: I did not know that. What I thought was interesting with my story is I shared like a video where I talked about it. And just across all platforms, people were very supportive and very sweet.

But what really spoke to me were how many amazing women that I had relationships with at different points in my life, and I might not always talk with them, who were saying, "Christi, I have questions. Like I need to know more, because I think I have this."

And I'm like, "I'm not an expert, but you know, like I'll get on the phone with you." I probably talked to — and I'm not even exaggerating — in the first week, seven people.

And now I almost feel badly, because I will be talking to someone and they'll list a few different things, and I'm sitting there and I'm like, "You should probably ask somebody or get tested, because I'm telling you, everything you're going through, I went through, and like the solution is so simple. But when you don't know, you don't know."

I try to be very, you know, mindful about how I'm saying it, but I'm like, "Listen, I'm just saying I don't know. However, I experienced that and I had no idea. So just ask some questions, because you could be making your life a whole lot easier if you understood it and you have it."

Laura: Absolutely. I mean, that's what we're trying to do on this show.

Christi: Within the first week, my very — well, so he is my best guy friend. I don't know why I feel like I have to qualify that, like as an almost 50-year-old woman, like my best friend, my best man friend.

Anyway, we were on the phone, I was like, "Girl, you need to go get a test. Our conversations never have a point A to a point B." I was like, "They are here. We cannot stay on track at all ever."

And I think within two days, he had an appointment and he went and got evaluated. And he called me and he's like, "Well, you clocked that." I'm like, "Yes!" Yes!

And now we laugh because we are like, "Wow, we can pick up the phone, have, you know, a conversation from start to finish, actually remember what we were talking about." And we're like, "Is this how people function?"

(21:17) Misconceptions about ADHD, upcoming projects, and closing thoughts.

Laura: Well, Christi, I have two more questions for you. The first is, what do you feel is still overly misunderstood about ADHD? What do you wish that people understood better about ADHD?

Christi: It's very infuriating when people are like, "Everybody has a little ADHD." That feels like it minimizes something that was so profound for me.

When you have such a big question mark your entire adult life, and then like you have that aha moment, this profound understanding and grace and forgiveness of yourself, and then people will write it off like, "Oh, it's not that big of a deal."

And I'm like, but it literally changed how I saw myself, like my relationship with myself.

Laura: I agree with you. I've experienced that myself. It's very frustrating. ADHD can be a very profound diagnosis, and it often tends to be the butt of jokes.

Christi: Yeah!

Laura: My last question for you: Is there anything that you would want to plug or talk about, share where they can find your podcast?

Christi: Yeah! I mean, my podcast is on Spotify, Apple, like anywhere you listen to podcasts, whatever you listen to podcasts on. It's called "Back to the Barre," like a ballet barre. Play on words, because  Kelly and I were always at the bar. But it's a play on our girls being at the ballet barre and us being at the bar.

But it was also one of our tropes on the show. They were always like, "You two go have a glass of wine," and like that's the funniest thing when people look at reality and they're like, "These two are always drinking."

I'm like, "Do you realize that scene took three hours to film and we had two glasses of wine in three hours?" Like okay, but whatever.

Laura: It's all in the editing, right?

Christi: Of course! And then my Instagram. I mean, I am on TikTok. I might be the oldest person on the platform, but yeah.

Like if you watch the show growing up, or you had a child who watched it and you're curious to see like what became of Chloe, or my baby that I used to hold on my hip, like it's all on Instagram. She's 17 now and we're going on the college journey this year with her.

Laura: That's wild, Christi. That's wild.

Christi: Yeah.

Laura: Well, it has been such a pleasure to talk with you. I really admire your candor and your openness and your perspective always looking forward.

Christi: Thank you.

Laura: I've just really enjoyed talking with you today, Christi.

Christi: Thank you, I have as well. And thank you for giving people a platform to share their stories. And you know, hopefully, whether or not you're going and seeking a diagnosis or you know somebody who might be experiencing this, maybe it gives you a moment to stop, take a beat, and like look at them in a different perspective.

Laura: Thanks for listening today. As always, if you want to share your own aha moment, email us at ADHDaha@understood.org or send a message to our voicemail inbox. You'll find a link in the show notes, along with resources and links to anything we mentioned in the episode.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people navigating neurodivergence. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give.

"ADHD Aha!" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molly. Say hi, Jessamine!

Jessamine Molly: Hi, everyone!

Laura: And edited by Alyssa Shea. Video is produced by Calvin Knie. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright. Production support provided by Andrew Rector.

Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. From Understood.org, our executive producers are Scott Cocchiere and Jordan Davidson. And I'm your host, Laura Key. Thanks so much for listening.