ADHD and: Setting boundaries

Women with ADHD often have a hard time setting healthy boundaries. They may feel like they have to say yes, even when they’re tired or stressed. And over time, this can make it tough to stay in touch with their own needs and feelings.

In this episode, Dr. Monica Johnson dives into how ADHD makes setting boundaries difficult. Listen as she breaks down why women with ADHD often struggle to say no. And get simple strategies to help protect your peace and improve your mental health.

We love to hear from our listeners. Email us at podcast@understood.org.

Related resources

• ADHD and: Oversharing

• Setting boundaries in relationships with ADHD

• Tips from an ADHD Coach: People-pleasing everyone but ourselves

Timestamps

(01:43) How ADHD affects setting boundaries 

(04:18) Why setting boundaries is a challenge for some women with ADHD

(06:28) Strategies for setting boundaries 

Episode transcript

Dr. J: Ever take on something knowing full well you should probably say no, but then later wonder why you feel so drained and overwhelmed? I've been there too. In fact, I've probably been there right now. For women with ADHD, setting boundaries is often the hardest part of self-care. This is "ADHD and," where we talk about everyday life and ADHD. I'm your host, Dr. J. I'm a licensed psychologist who works with those with ADHD. Today, we're talking about ADHD and boundaries.

So, why does every "no" feel like a challenge? Let me start by saying this. If you have ADHD and you struggle with setting boundaries, you're not broken. You're human, and you're navigating a neurodevelopmental condition that affects how you process emotions, pay attention to your needs, and speak up for yourself.

Setting boundaries is already hard for many people. For those with ADHD, it can feel downright overwhelming. But you're not alone in this, and there are a lot of ways to make it easier, starting with understanding what's going on in your brain and body. Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, emotional well-being, and protecting your energy. But to set and maintain them, you need a series of executive functioning and emotion regulation skills, areas that with ADHD tend to throw you a lot of curveballs. I'm gonna give you a few examples for why that is.

(01:43) How ADHD affects setting boundaries

Number one is that emotional dysregulation can act up and act out. Many people associate ADHD with focus issues, but an often major and underrecognized symptom is emotional dysregulation, intense, rapidly shifting emotions that can feel all-consuming. This is especially common in ADHD years with rejection sensitivity, which research has linked to a low tolerance for perceived criticism or disapproval. So, when it comes time to set a boundary, like saying no, asking for space, or confronting someone, there's a lot of different things that you may feel, and here's a few examples.

A surge of guilt or anxiety about how the other person will respond. A fear of being disliked, rejected, or misunderstood. Shame or self-doubt about whether your needs are valid, and also may be overwhelmed to the point of shutting down or avoiding the conversation entirely. Your brain is signaling social danger, and your nervous system goes into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode.

Number two is that impulsivity and people pleasing can collide. ADHD is associated with impulsivity, which sometimes means saying yes before you've really thought it through. You might agree to something that doesn't feel right, and that's for a variety of reasons. Here's a few ideas. Trying to avoid conflict, you want to be liked, or simply, you didn't pause to consider that you don't have the capacity. In the moment, it can feel easier to get along than to speak up for yourself, especially if you have a lifetime of masking or minimizing your needs.

Three is low working memory and time perception issues. Let's be real. Creating and maintaining boundaries takes planning, memory, and consistent follow-through. These are all things that can be affected by ADHD. For example. You might forget that you said, I can't take on anymore this week and agree to something anyway. You might struggle to remember past situations where you felt depleted, so you overcommitted again, or you may lose track of time and end up spending more than you intended simply because the hour slipped away.

Now let's talk about the gender lens. Society expects women to juggle it all, caring for others, maintaining relationships, and being constantly available. For women with ADHD, the pressure is even more intense. I'm gonna run us through a few examples of what that can look like.

(04:18) Why setting boundaries is a challenge for some women with ADHD

Number one is what I like to call the sacrificial and benevolent good woman. This old narrative teaches us that a woman's worth is measured by her selflessness, patience, and how much she gives. For women with ADHD who may already struggle with overwhelm and emotional dysregulation, this message makes it feel selfish or wrong to prioritize their needs, especially when they need rest, quiet or alone time.

An internalized thought that might be associated with this is "If I say no, I'm being selfish. I should be able to handle more." Number two is the do-it-all woman. From working full-time to parenting to managing a household, women are often expected to juggle multiple roles with grace. ADHD, which affects planning, focus, and energy regulation, can make this nearly impossible, but instead of being offered support, many women with ADHD feel ashamed or inadequate. An internalized thought that might be with this is "If I need help or say that I'm overwhelmed, I've failed."

Number three is the difficult woman. This is a label I've gotten quite a few times in my life. This one relates to assertiveness. Assertiveness is often misinterpreted as aggressiveness in women. This double standard creates pressure not to rock the boat, challenge others, or voice discomfort. Speaking up about boundaries can lead to being labeled too sensitive, too dramatic, or hard to work with. An internalized thought that can be associated with this one is "If I set a boundary, people will think that I'm rude or unlikable."

These are just a few common examples, but you can see how societal or cultural pressures can add more weight to an already difficult situation. Now, for the good news, you can learn to set boundaries, even when you have ADHD. It's all about small, consistent steps and a few tricks to make everything stick.

(06:28) Strategies for setting boundaries

Number one is to start with self-awareness. You need to start noticing your signals. Before you can set boundaries, you need to recognize your own limits. This means learning to tune in to the early signs of overwhelm, resentment, or depletion. I want you to ask yourself regularly these few questions: " What am I feeling in my body? So, are my shoulders tight? Am I fatigued? Do I have a clenching jaw?" Number two is, " What's my emotional state? Am I irritable, anxious, or drained?" And then lastly, " What does this cost me in terms of energy, focus, and peace?" These are all internal red flags that it's time to draw a boundary. Mindfulness practices, especially those related to journaling and body scans, can improve interoception and emotional awareness over time.

Number two is to rehearse before you respond. Boundary-setting conversations can trigger anxiety, which is totally normal. Try scripting your response ahead of time so that your emotions don't hijack the moment. Rehearsing reduces anxiety by giving your brain a sense of control and predictability, which is critical for ADHDers who struggle with uncertainty.

For example, "I'd love to help, but I'm at capacity for the week. I need to protect my focus right now, so I'm gonna turn off my notifications," or "I care about you, but I need quiet time to recharge." Number three is to hit the pause button. A modification of the STOP skill in DBT, which stands for Dialectical Behavior Therapy is incredibly useful here.

The S stands for Stop: don't act on the urge. T is for take A breath. O is for observe what you're feeling and thinking. And P is for proceed mindfully in line with your values. This tiny pause creates a powerful gap between emotional impulse and intentional action.

Number four is to expect and manage emotional pushback. People might not like your boundaries, especially if they're used to you saying yes all the time. This can trigger rejection sensitivity or guilt. Prepare for this emotionally. Try grounding phrases like "Their feelings are valid and so are mine." Or "Discomfort doesn't mean I'm doing something wrong." And then lastly, "I'm not responsible for managing their emotions."

Number five is to practice, repair, and repeat. Boundaries are not a one-time fix. They're ongoing conversations. And yes, you are gonna mess up. You might overcommit, lash out, or stay silent for too long. That's all OK. What matters is that you reflect on what happened, repair if needed, and try again with compassion.

Growth isn't linear, especially with ADHD, but every time you practice boundary setting, you're rewiring your brain to prioritize your needs without guilt or shame. ADHD can make it harder to set boundaries, but not impossible. With the right support, self-compassion, and skills, you can protect your time, energy, and peace without burning out or blowing up.

Remember, your needs are valid, your space is sacred, and it's not selfish to set boundaries. It's self-preservation. So, go ahead, say the thing, hit pause, speak your truth. You don't have to do it perfectly, you just have to do it kindly, consistently, and for yourself.

That's it for this episode of "ADHD and." Thank you so much for being here with me. Please remember to like and subscribe for more. If you enjoy today's episode, check out the episode on ADHD and self-care, where I explain why it can feel so hard to find time for yourself and how ADHD can make it even more difficult. Thanks so much for listening, and I'll catch you on the next episode of "ADHD and."

This show is brought to you by Understood.org, a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. Learn more at Understood.org. "ADHD and" is produced by Tara Drinks and edited by Alyssa Shea. Our video producer is Calvin Knie. Samiah Adams is our production manager. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. Our audio engineer and music composer is Justin D. Wright. Our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Seth Melnick, and I'm your host, Dr. J.