She treated ADHD for years — then found out she had it, too (Dr. Nerissa Bauer’s story)

Have you ever felt like a fraud, even in the work you know best? Dr. Nerissa Bauer has. After years as a researcher, teacher, and children’s doctor, burnout led her to step away from academia. Not long after, she found out she had ADHD herself. At first, the diagnosis left her embarrassed and full of questions. How could she have missed it for so long?

That turning point brought both sadness and relief, and it changed the way she connects with families. Since then, Nerissa has built a new path in telehealth and started Teach Me ADHD, an online course for families. In this episode, she talks about how burnout and her own ADHD diagnosis reshaped her work — and how they help her show up more honestly for others.

• Nerissa’s organization, Let’s Talk Kids Health

• ADHD burnout

• ADHD and: Imposter syndrome

(00:00) Intro

(01:23) ADHD and burnout, and losing structure

(08:23) Nerissa’s ADHD evaluation as a physician herself, and imposter syndrome

(16:42) What is the value of an ADHD diagnosis as an adult? As a parent?

(21:08) Nerissa’s online course, Teach Me ADHD

(26:28) Outro and closing

We love hearing from our listeners! Email us at adhdaha@understood.org or record a message for us here. 

(00:00) Intro

Dr. Nerissa Bauer: I just had this voice in my head thinking, "She's going to call you out. She's going to say, 'How are you a doctor?'" She's going to find out I have been sort of an imposter, basically, because through this journey, I've had this negative voice in my head always questioning, "How are you doing this?" You know, I felt like I was working so much harder than everyone else. And that negative voice was so loud at times saying, "People are going to find out."

Laura Key: This is "ADHD Aha!," a podcast where people share the moment when it finally clicked that they have ADHD. My name is Laura Key. I'm the editorial director here at Understood.org. And as someone who's had my own ADHD Aha! moment, I'll be your host.

I am here today with Dr. Nerissa Bauer. Nerissa is a behavioral pediatrician and entrepreneur. She's CEO of Let's Talk Kids Health and created "Teach Me ADHD," an online course for families. She's also a spokesperson for the American Academy of Pediatrics, among many other accolades. Welcome, Nerissa. How are you?

Nerissa: I am so good. Thank you so much for having me on.

Laura: Now you have such an impressive resume. I meant it when I said "among many other accolades." But I think it might be helpful for our listeners to hear from you about how your ADHD story starts in a really common place that anyone with ADHD might have experienced too, which is with burnout. Do you want to talk about that?

(01:23) ADHD and burnout, and losing structure

Nerissa: Yes. So previous, I had been working at a children's hospital as a researcher, educator, and clinician for many, many years. And it was one of those things that happened--hindsight is 20/20, but in the moment, I was just burned out and I didn't realize it. I was burned out for probably about a year. I just got to the point where I knew something had to change. I was showing up to work, and I'm usually the one who's always smiling, and I felt like I had to paste the smile on my face in order to just make it through.

And when I finally decided and talked to my husband, talked to my family about what was going on and made the plan to leave academia, I felt a weight come off my shoulders. The idea sounded fabulous, you know, and I was excited about becoming my own boss. But it wasn't until I actually left that I realized just how much the structure and the routine of academia really meant, because all of a sudden that was all gone. And I could no longer get out of my house on time, couldn't find my keys, couldn't get to meetings that I had scheduled for my own schedule, nor could I balance my books. You know, running a business, you need to have a handle of your financials. And so I like to talk about that in terms of realizing that it's like the rug was pulled out from under me.

You know, along the way, I was also monitoring my son's ADHD. And, you know, as I'm listening to my son formally having the diagnosis and also getting a plan in place, realizing I probably need to check that out too myself.

Laura Key: When was this roughly?

Nerissa: This was around early 2019.

Laura: This rug is pulled out from underneath you, and you've kind of helped pull it out because you have created this change in your life and kind of unknowingly gotten rid of so much structure in your life. And then something else happened in 2020.

Nerissa: Yes. Lo and behold, the pandemic. Yeah. So I had sort of transitioned from academia, took some time off, realized I couldn't sit at home.

Laura: And then...

Nerissa: And then joined a behavioral health practice, starting seeing patients two days a week, and then COVID happened. I ended up seamlessly transitioning my practice to my basement because I was luckily on electronic medical record and could start seeing patients the next day. And kind of through that pathway and that journey, discovered what it meant to be online and started doing other things on social media to launch my second business, which is my "Teach Me ADHD" and educational content course for families with ADHD.

Laura: Had you prior to this ever had an inkling that maybe you had ADHD? And I say this, you had worked with people, kids and adults with ADHD for decades.

Nerissa: There's no judgment.

Laura: Yeah, I know.

Nerissa: And it's one of those things that I wish I had thought about it sooner, but no, I didn't until I just was struggling because I thought, "Here I am, you know, I went through medical school and had this great position. I'd made it to associate professor. And it was busy and hectic, but I was doing it." But I always, I guess, in hindsight, even in school, just felt like I was working so much harder just to keep up. But I thought, "Oh, you know, social media, everybody just posts the highlights, right? So this is probably what it's like behind the scenes for everybody." You know, everybody's digging in and really trying their best. But I really felt like the toil wasreally hard.

Laura: How did you manage to pull it off, though? Because I hear you that you worked harder than everybody else, but something that we often say to our audience, and I stand by this, is like, kids with ADHD, it's not just about trying harder for them to do better. So how did you manage to achieve all of this? Like, were you healthy?

Nerissa: I, yeah, I mean, I was pretty healthy. You know, I think in college, again, in retrospect, I was thinking, like, "Wow, I really don't know what is the most important thing here to focus on." So what I found myself doing was recording what lectures, and then I would come home after attending class and rewrite basically the whole class because I was like, "I don't know what's important." So I would literally transcribe those and then go back and highlight and circle things, color code things, just so that I felt like, "Okay, I think I got it now." But it was literally adding to the work that I was doing.

Laura: I'm surprised that you didn't burn out sooner.

Nerissa: Oh, I know. I know. I mean, statistics, there were certain classes too that just were not my favorite and I knew I had to do them, right? But I just, you know, I would turn to friends, I would do extra studying, I would try to reach out. But again, this was all in line with kind of what I've always done. I've just tried to figure out, "Well, what do I have to do to really understand this?" And, you know, if that meant more work, so be it.

Laura: This has come up for me in a few conversations with friends and colleagues recently that, "I never thought I had ADHD because I managed to do all these things." "Well, how did you manage to do all these things?" "Well, I did X, X, X, X, Y, Y, Y, Z, Z, Z." So like, you were self-accommodating and creating workarounds for the things you were struggling with all along.

Nerissa: Absolutely. Absolutely. When you don't know that that's what everybody else is not doing, you just think that's the normal, right? I mean, that's just how I always did it. And so I just leaned on the strategies that worked for me and kept going.

(08:23) Nerissa’s ADHD evaluation as a physician herself, and imposter syndrome

Laura: Could you tell me about the evaluation process and your diagnosis journey and what that's like for you as a physician?

Nerissa: Yes. Yeah. So I happened to talk to the psychologist who was evaluating my son. And because I was a practicing physician here in the community, she knew me. And I reached out to her separately after my son's journey was complete. And I said, "You know, I've been doing a lot of soul searching, as you know, I had left academia and have had these new struggles in my life, wondering if you would be game to actually doing an evaluation for me."

And she said, "Absolutely." And so she started with sending me a couple of forms to fill out, including an adult ADHD screener, which I promptly returned, and she promptly responded. You know that this is positive. I'm like, "Yes." So then we scheduled the full half-day of testing, which was separate. And I would say that it was not fun. I knew exactly what she was going to be doing because as part of when I was teaching residents, we actually had a psychologist who would break down the different subtests that were administered. So I knew the types of tests that she was going to administer and I was not looking forward to it.

But it was a good experience because I knew what to tell parents what to expect, but having gone through it, it just gives you that perspective of, "Wow, this is not easy." And literally, maybe about two-thirds of the way, I was like, "If you ask me to add more numbers and give it back to you, I am just, I'm done. My brain is just fried."

And so after that day of testing, she had me back a couple of weeks later by Zoom. And I remember as I was waiting for her to come on, I just had this voice in my head thinking, "She's gonna call you out. She's going to say, 'How are you a doctor?'" You know? "She's going to find out that I have been sort of playing," you know, like "an imposter," basically, because through this journey, I've had this negative voice in my head always questioning, "How are you doing this?" You know, I felt like I was working so much harder than everyone else. And that negative voice was so loud at times, you know, saying, "People are going to find out."

And I literally thought, I had to hold my breath until she came on. "She's gonna tell you, 'How are you a doctor?'"

Laura: Oh my gosh. What a fear. As I'm assuming she didn't do that.

Nerissa: Right? No. No, she didn't. I mean, she was so kind and she went through all the numbers, explained everything to me, which I appreciated because she was just like, "I'm gonna talk to you just like any other person that comes in my office." I said, "Yes, please. I am your patient right now. Just walk me through it."

And at the end, she said to me, "I am really excited for you. I know you might be feeling a whole lot of things right now, now that we know what the diagnosis is. But knowing you and what you've already accomplished, what more if you get proper treatment, what you can continue to do for you and for your patients?"

Laura: What a great statement.

Nerissa: Yes, I mean, that really meant a lot to me. And I kind of had this sigh of relief. I won't lie. I mean, afterwards, I sat kind of just thinking about everything she talked about. And when my husband came down to see me and check in, I remember him taking me into his arms and I just started crying. I just, Yeah. I just started crying because I just was grieving. I was thinking about all the years lost and all that I could have potentially done to help myself earlier if I had just known what was going on.

Laura: In what ways would you have helped yourself?

Nerissa: I mean, I think I would have started treatment earlier, obviously. I would have learned more from the adult perspective, because as a pediatrician, I'm treating kids and teens, right? But it's a whole different perspective as an adult, because it has so many domino effects. You know, you're not just taking care of yourself, you're taking care of your family, your partner, your, the whole unit, right? And I guess I would have been easier on myself at times, too. And I would have also prioritized sleep.

Laura: Yes.

Nerissa: Yeah. I mean, me and sleep are just becoming friends right now at my stage of life. But...

Laura: Oh, do you like them? Are they nice to you?

Nerissa: Oh, I love it, but it's still, I'm still trying to find it sometimes. So, you know, prioritizing that. There are a lot of things that I would have done a little bit differently.

Laura: Nerissa, would you mind sharing in terms of your results, what specifically, like what ADHD difficulties did you, do you struggle with the most?

Nerissa: I was told that I have the inattentive type, moderate to severe, and my, I think working memory is not good for me.

Laura: Would you mind defining working memory for folks?

Nerissa: So, I like to explain to families that working memory is sort of the information that you keep in mind and quickly access as you need it through the day. It's like maybe concepts that you're aware of, but you need to have ready access to and sort of be able to manipulate that information quickly. For instance, grocery lists. Like if I'm going out the door, I'm like, "Hey, let me know what you need." My family will give me five or six things to remember, and then when I get to the grocery, I'm like, "Oh shoot, what did they say?" I can't even remember. It doesn't come readily. So I have to have it written down. So my family knows they can tell me, but they better follow it up with a text.

Laura: Right. I mean, I think also there's some of this restlessness to just be doing something. Like I said, I took some time off after burnout and realized I can't stay home. I also have a hard time when it's not my patients, to not interrupt in conversations. I like to forecast what they're going to say and sometimes I'll say it and sometimes people are nice to me about that and sometimes not so nice. So I've learned to temper that when I'm seeing patients. I ground myself kind of in my chair and just kind of sit back and take it all in.

Laura: But then outside of that, it's, it's trickier.

Nerissa: Yes.

Laura: I was talking with my therapist about that recently because at work, you can call it self-control, you can call it my medication, we can call it all of the above. People at work are like, "You have ADHD?" And I'm like, "I do. Yeah, I do." But then when I'm at home, it's like it all comes off. Or when I'm with other people, I'm like, "Oh, I just, I don't want to sit. I can't handle this right now. I can't sit through this anymore." And I was talking with my therapist, I was like, "How do I channel that you at work in a healthy way so that maybe we can be a little kinder to the other folks in your life?" He said it in a very non-judgmental and amazing way.

Nerissa: I fully relate to that very much. It's like we learn as working women that we have this image to project while at work and we're pretty good at holding it together. But after doing that for hours on end, you go home to your safe space and you just sort of like, "I'm done."

(16:42) What is the value of an ADHD diagnosis as an adult? As a parent?

Laura Key: Having this diagnosis, how has it changed your relationship to your patients, if at all?

Nerissa: It's one of those things that I like to pull out, you know, especially when I'm meeting a new patient. I like to tell them towards the end, especially depending on how they're feeling after they get the diagnosis. They can feel all the feelings. I've been there. But I'll often say, you know, "I was just diagnosed three years ago, you know, and this is what I do. And I find that it just helps me relate better to them."

Does that mean that it made me any less of a doctor prior? No, I mean, I had the skills, I've had the training, I've had the expertise. And some would say, you know, I had this kind of natural inclination to help families and individuals with ADHD. Makes sense now. But I mean, I feel like it just, it helps raise that sensitivity to kind of be able to walk alongside them because I've been in their shoes. I'm in their shoes.

Obviously, as a behavioral pediatrician, it's not uncommon for many of the kids that I see to have parents who have ADHD. And some of them know it and some are just going to be like, "Ah, I wonder if I have it." It's very common for that to happen. And when I talk to parents about it, "Well, you know, I'm so busy. I have to get the kids to their appointments. You know, I just don't have the bandwidth. Like, I'm learning about it, but why do I need to address mine?" And I think it is so important, just in general for anybody who thinks they may have it to go down and start that path because first of all, knowing is so powerful.

Understanding the nuances of how your brain is working and what your body and brain need is the key to unlocking and giving you that perspective of, you know, "Maybe there is a reason for why I need things this way." And as parents especially, having that understanding of what you need to do for yourself to stay calm, to stay regulated, can just be as beneficial, even more so, if you're managing a household with a child with ADHD, because, you know, one of the biggest things that I talk to parents about is, you know, that frontal lobe is still maturing until at least 25.

And so what do we need to do as parents? We need to lend our executive function to our children and model those skills to them. But if we ourselves have ADHD that's untreated, that can be hard. And for those of you who are listening and think, "Oh, I don't want to be on medicine." Well, I want you to know that after a diagnosis, it doesn't automatically mean medicine. You know, I like to tell parents about a care plan, which may include medicine, which is one thing in the toolkit, which can really help, but it's not the be-all end-all because I mean we just talked about the importance of sleep, nutrition, screen time moderation, physical activity. Those are things that people with ADHD must do consistently to make sure that their brain is functioning optimally. And you can do that starting right away after you get that diagnosis. You don't have to start medication.

Laura: What about therapy? I know for a lot of parents, they're managing such a tight schedule and even just finding a therapist can be so time-consuming. So what do you say to those folks?

Nerissa: Yeah, again, I think it kind of goes hand-in-hand when we're thinking about the care plan. The therapy or the coaching process that happens is so valuable because again, for many adults or individuals, when they first learn about ADHD, you know, you're going to start thinking and you need to reflect on what that means for you. You can pick up books, you can read, you can listen to podcasts. But how to put in place those strategies for yourself and for how you do things, I like to say for your rhythm, can take some work and take practice.

That's the thing with executive function. We can teach these skills, but you have to allow yourself the space and the patience and the time to practice. And that's where it's really helpful for a therapist or a coach to come alongside, especially if the person does not have a lot of working knowledge about what ADHD really is.

Laura: And then, yeah, it's just so hard because if you don't have enough time to, you feel like you're, you're drowning in the to-dos of your own life, then you're scheduling something else. But the ultimate goal of making it so you're not drowning, there's like that escalation of like, another thing to do that can help me go and regulate better. What would you say to parents in that moment where they're like, "There's no way I don't have time to schedule that," or "I can't afford it," or whatever it may be.

Nerissa: I mean, I think it comes down to bringing them back to their "why." What is that vision that you hold for yourself? What type of parent do you want to be? And how can we get you there? And knowing the different pieces of the puzzle. And if ADHD is a part of that, then at some point we do need to address it. We have to be able to step back and think about the bigger picture. And kids learn from us. It's such a valuable opportunity to be able to model and show your child that this is important and I'm taking the steps to learn how to work with my brain, just like we're going to be working with your brain.

(21:08) Nerissa’s online course, Teach Me ADHD

Laura Key: Do you want to talk a little bit about your online course?

Nerissa: Yes. So this was my baby that was developed in the throes of COVID. I was witnessing with my own patients, as well as through work through the American Academy of Pediatrics, just how hard COVID was impacting families, especially families with children with ADHD. When schools just shut down. And I remember realizing that so many parents were like, "Oh my gosh, I don't know how teachers do it. I can't even get them to pay attention to the screen, but I'm having to navigate my own work at the same time." And it was just a mess, right? And I remember thinking, "I wonder if there's something I could do to help these families."

And that's when "Teach Me ADHD," the idea, the concept was born, because pediatricians are really busy. They see so many kids, they see a lot of kids with ADHD, but after the diagnosis, if they're not going to start medication, they will send out referrals to therapists and talk to schools and tell parents to do XYZ, which as we said, takes a lot of executive function.

Nothing against pediatricians, I mean, this is just kind of the nature of the practice. They see so many patients, but many parents and families fall through the cracks at that point. And so I developed "Teach Me ADHD," which is basically an online course for kids 8 to 12 to take with their parent. You know, certainly prior to this, there's webinars that organizations do just for parents. There was Outschool for kids, you know, to take, but nothing together. And oftentimes, there was a disconnect. My prior work, when I did group visits for ADHD, kids and parents were in different rooms, but they would come together afterwards to leave the clinic.

And I would hear anecdotes from parents saying, "My child will not stop talking in the car because they want to know what I learned." The fact that they knew that I was learning and I knew that they were learning something, we were talking, which was amazing. All parents wanted to hear their kids talk about their day, right? It's amazing.

And so I knew that there was some magic there when kids and parents knew they were each working on something. And so, in order to make this work, I had to become very creative and think about something to engage the kids because again, parents are going to look at me and say, "We're already not doing well with remote learning. How are you expecting us to take this class on Zoom? Are you kidding?"

And so, it's very interactive. When you join the "All Deeds Help Detective Agency," you become junior and senior detectives with assigned weekly deeds to work on to strengthen your mental muscles. And then you're assigned family missions to work on homework to work out different systems and things that we learned about in our training mission meetings. You're to take pictures of evidence and send it back to headquarters. Families get supply boxes because I wanted to make it convenient for them, you know, not have to go out to the store and pick up stuff that they needed.

Laura: Thank you. Yeah.

Nerissa: Yep. And so there's crafts, there's hands-on activities. So different ways to keep our kids engaged during the class. But the parent is sitting right beside them. So I, as the senior field agent, am sitting here with boxes of all these families, and I'm seeing parents and kids together. But you're taking it from the comfort of your home. You could be in your jammies, you could be eating, you could be showing me your cat. It's made to be convenient and comfortable. So that way kids and parents can learn from each other, but also see that there are other families just like them who are going through these same trials and tribulations and working together to have fun.

Laura: I love it. I love it. I've already added to my calendar for the next session that starts. What's the website again? It's "Teach Me ADHD"?

Nerissa: Well, actually, it's letstalkkidshealth.

Laura: That's right.

Nerissa: And then underneath, there's a little menu you can go to courses.

Laura: Yeah, we'll put all the links in our show notes today.

(26:28) Outro and closing

Laura Key: Well, Nerissa, Dr. Bauer, is there anything else that you'd like to share before we sign off today?

Nerissa: I greatly, first of all, just want to thank you, Laura, for having me on as a guest. It was great talking with you today and bringing awareness to the importance of just early detection. And when I say early, it could be at any age of your life. So...

Laura: Earlier.

Nerissa: Yeah. It's really important, and I think it's so valuable the work you're doing because everybody's journey, while there are commonalities, there are some differences too. And, you know, if my story helps just one more person stop and reflect and get the help that they need, I will be so grateful for this to have happened.

And I do want to just continue to say that there is so much love and support now. I think the fact that we are talking and having these conversations and research is happening, albeit at a slower pace, but that's just the nature of it, right? There is hope and you don't have to go through this journey alone. There are people out there, organizations like Understood that are there for you and have resources to tap into. But always, always, talk to your child's doctor, even if that's the start. You know, we're talking about like even as a parent, and you're not sure whether or not you should go on, you can always talk to your child's pediatrician first about it, because they're there to support not just your child, but you, and they can help open doors on the next steps.

Laura: Thank you, Nerissa, for everything you said.

Laura: Thanks for being here today. As always, if you want to share your own Aha! moment, email us at adhdaha@understood.org. I'd love to hear from you. And check out the show notes for this episode. We have more resources and links to anything we mentioned in the episode. This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences, like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give.

"ADHD Aha!" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli. Say hi, Jessamine.

Jessamine: Hi, everyone!

Laura: And Margie DeSantis.

Margie: Hey, hey!

Laura: Video is produced by Calvin Knie and edited by Alyssa Shea. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also mixes the show. Brianna Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. From Understood.org, our executive directors are Scott Koschere, Seth Melnick, and Jordan Davidson. And I'm your host, Laura Key. Thanks so much for listening.