Diagnosed with ADHD as a child, but she didn’t find out until college (Atira’s story)

When Atira Roberson was in first grade, she was evaluated and diagnosed with ADHD, dyscalculia, and a specific learning disability. But she didn’t find out about those diagnoses until college — when she went through all of her old paperwork herself. 

Growing up, Atira knew she was different and was bullied because of it. Her mother was her biggest advocate, but her parents chose not to tell her about her diagnoses at the time. 

In this episode, Atira — now an English language arts teacher — shares how learning the truth changed the way she saw herself, and how it shaped her passion for teaching and education policy today.

• Why Black girls with learning disabilities need more visibility, from the Opportunity Gap podcast

• To be Black in America with a learning disability, by Atira Roberson

• What are learning disabilities?

Atira Roberson: This has been years in the making, a lot of silent nights, me sitting alone, having to cry, having to kind of just ask myself questions, trying to like understand who and what I am and get to the point to where it's like, "I'm not going to run away from this anymore." Yes, I am a nerdy, learning disabled Black girl who likes to get her nails done, and that's just what it is.

Laura Key: This is "ADHD Aha!," a podcast where people share the moment when it finally clicked that they have ADHD. My name is Laura Key. I head up our editorial team here at Understood.org, and as someone who's had my own ADHD aha moment, I'll be your host. I am here today with Atira Roberson. Atira is a learning disability advocate, an education policy enthusiast, and a teacher based in Arkansas. Welcome, Atira. I want to mention before we even start chatting that this is not your first appearance on an "Understood" podcast. You were on the "Opportunity Gap" a while back. That episode is called, "Why Black Girls With Learning Disabilities Need More Visibility." Everybody should check that out. Thanks for coming back.

Atira: Thank you. Thank you guys for having me back. I appreciate it. 

Laura: Why don't you tell our listeners, when were you first evaluated for ADHD and learning disabilities?

Atira: That was at the beginning of my kind of educational career, if you will. I would say around kinder and first grade. At the time, and this was in the early 2000s, I was going to a Catholic private school that my parents decided to put me in, and they pulled me out, put me into public education. I'm still not sure why, but I mean, I'm glad it happened because we found out I do have a learning disability. I got tested once I got there. So I had to repeat first grade because I was behind. I couldn't read or anything like that.

Laura: Can you tell me more about what the evaluation found and what they were looking at?

Atira: I know now, because back then, of course, my parents didn't really tell me much of what was going on. I just knew that these things had to get done.

The textbook definition, I have specific learning disability. That means in short, that you have trouble with one or more basic psychological processes. So for me, this is manifested in the way I intake written or verbal information. And then of course, the ADHD comes in because depending on my environment and all the bells and whistles of the world, I may have to ask you multiple times to repeat yourself, which doesn't necessarily mean that I'm not paying attention. It just truly did not click for me the first few times. And so I have dyscalculia, which the way I can describe that is dyslexia with numbers, and then an auditory processing delay.

Laura: OK. So you've got a whole, you got a bunch of stuff.

Atira: Yes, I have all the things. Yes. All the things going on.

Laura: When did you learn that you had all of the things?

Atira: When I went into undergrad for my bachelor's degree, because you know, you handle your own paperwork and documentation and stuff because it's on you now, you're an adult. So I got a copy of my IEP in my exit conference. So the school district I was in, around the last few months of school, they have you come into a meeting. And I had never been a part of them up until that one. A lot of these meetings happen when I'm not in the room. They just have the parents.

There was one instance where my mom did tell me how one of the meetings went, and it wasn't necessarily the best. They told her you would be lucky if she just, you know, if she just graduates, take that and run with it and, you know, go on about your day.

But I sat down with one of my college friends one night, and we were in her house, just sitting on the floor reading over everything because I had never read it myself and read through. I was like, "Oh, well, that makes sense." It wasn't like I wasn't sad or anything. I think for a while I was very ashamed of being learning disabled and having ADHD. But I mean, this is what it is. I use that term freely now because for some reason it is a trigger word. Disability makes people kind of shake and kind of clutch their pearls, so to speak. I don't want to do that. I am learning disabled. This is what it is. I have an attention issue. This is also what it is. Yes, I have a learning disability, but I also like coffee and like to, you know, do things.

Laura: Totally. I love that. That's a long time to go without knowing what's going on. So from first grade-ish to college.

Atira: Pretty much my whole K-12 career. Yeah. 

Laura: You knew your mom was going to these meetings, right? 

Atira: I knew I was different because I was going to what they called resource room when I was in elementary. They pulled me in for like an x amount of minutes each day, and I thought it was fun. So I was like, "Yes, I want to go to resource room. I'll see y'all later."

But I mean, while I was in there, I was still, you know, learning and working. If I take my head off and think like a parent, the reason that they probably made the decision to not tell me is because they didn't want me to maybe use it as like a crutch or even feel bad for myself. But for a while, I did feel bad about myself because I was getting bullied at the time as well. So dealing with that and then knowing that you are different, but you can't put a finger on why you're different is a lot to deal with, you know, just socially and emotionally as a kid. And then you're going to school and you're trying to deal with making friends and just being a person.

Like I said, if I take my head off and think like a parent, I can see why. However, me being the type of person I am, there is a way to deliver information to a child that is digestible to them. As a child, you're aware of a lot. So I do wish that they would have been more honest with me about that. I think that would have kind of helped me navigate that a little bit differently. And maybe I wouldn't have tolerated more than what I should have when it comes to just like the kind of acceptance and shame that I had with having to deal with that, and then even getting bullied because that pretty much happened for like my whole up until high school. Because you know, by high school, people kind of quit caring about that type of stuff and it usually fizzles out. However, for like a big hunk of my K-12 career, I think that lack of confidence, people smell that, and so they take that and run with it.

Laura: Can you say more about that if you're comfortable?

Atira: Oh, I mean, sure. "Oh, you're slow. You're trying to cheat, the teacher's pet and blah, blah, blah, and this and that," and just, you know, those little, you know, side comments. Kids can be mean. We can be spicy at times. Which that all goes back to, what are you teaching your children at home? The world is different. We're all different. I look different. I am different. That's just, you know, what it is. I shouldn't have to apologize for doing or being what makes me who I am.

So instead of feeling bad about it and wishing I could change it, and there are times still, yes, because right now I'm in graduate school. I wish I could change it. I wish it was quicker for me to grasp things in comparison to other people, but it's not, and I'm not sorry for that.

But I will say this has not been a linear process to the acceptance. Let me throw that disclaimer out there. No, this has been years in the making. If you would have told me three to five years ago, I would be sitting here doing a podcast interview, first of all, I was so antisocial, I'd probably walk away quickly if I saw you walking towards me. But you have to take into account where I was, who I was, and what I was dealing with. I wasn't, you know, that confident person, which still, I mean, some days my confidence is still a little shaky. You know, I'm having to work through that. I am in therapy now. I am finally focusing on me and my mental health and being social and focusing on healthy relationships, not doing anything one-sided that puts me into a head space or emotional space to where I'm questioning who and what I am.

Laura: Good for you. Do you think that had your parents told you in an age-appropriate way that it would have improved your confidence?

Atira: Yes. They told me like a little bit like, "Yeah, you're going to have to work harder," but they didn't say, "You're going to have to work harder because you have a learning disability. Your brain works differently." No, I didn't get that until I was older. I think that they should have set me down, of course, in a kid, age-appropriate way and was like, "You have this. This means this. And because of this, you're going to have to do one, two, and three."

Was stuff going to happen regardless? 100%, yes. However, I think I would have been more prepared to deal with it.

Laura: Was there stigma wrapped up in that as well of what you may have to face?

Atira: Yes. Of course. I mean, judgment, bad talk. I mean, you name it, people do it. And I was already going through things anyway, just because I'm a naturally quiet person. I stay to myself unless I trust you, then I will kind of let my weirdness come out a little bit. Otherwise, I'm going to stay in my little corner and go about my day. People look at that as, you know, a weakness.

And they tried to, once they realized like I was getting bullied and stuff, they put me in Taekwondo and things like that, which was cool. At the time I didn't like it, but looking back, I was really good at it and I should have stayed in it. Because I competed nationally and stuff, but they wanted me to help break out of my shell, so to speak, and not feel so ashamed for being different because I am always going to be a Black girl with a learning disability and attention issues until forever.

So I think, you know, they had to take into account, you know, she is a Black girl. It's already hard enough as it is. It's a double, triple stigma there. 100%, yes. Absolutely. I have a friend, her name is Alicia. She did a piece, we did a piece together, and there was a part where she called it a triple threat. A lot of people who speak out in this movement do not look like us. And so I think that's also why I'm not going to ever run away from an opportunity to speak, go to a conference or anything like that because we look like people who have a learning disability.

And so our goal is to be what we wish we had access to. I did not see my face in this type of movement. And so I hope that by me continuing to do these things — and there have been times where I will hesitate a little bit because I'm like, "Well, what is my little story going to do?" And it's like, you never know. You know, everything happens for a reason. It's just true. You know, do I wish God would directly tell me what that reason is? Of course, yes. But then that would take the fun and challenge out of life for getting up out of bed every day because you already know what's going to happen. No, you need to get up and do your best to face it head on, which again, is not a linear process. This has been years in the making, a lot of silent nights, me sitting alone, having to cry, having to kind of just ask myself questions and my friends and my mom, trying to like understand who and what I am and get to the point to where it's like, "I'm not going to run away from this anymore." Yes, I am a nerdy, learning disabled Black girl who likes to get her nails done, and that's just what it is.

Laura: I love it. Do you got a lot of support through the church? Is that right?

Atira: Yes. They have been very supportive of anything I have ever done. Because at this point, it's public knowledge that I am a learning disability advocate. And at first I was a little shameful and even speaking about, you know, my mental health journey. But having a pastor who is one of the most chill down-to-earth people you could ever meet and being able to be surrounded with people who I know I can call at the drop of a hat who are willing to be there for me and give me their love and support makes me want to be like, "You know what? I actually can do this. I actually am proud of who I am and what I have." You know? They are definitely a good group of people, a crazy, chaotic, dysfunctional family, but, you know, I'm thankful for it.

Laura: I do notice discipline is such a central piece of your story, it seems. Like you've got your parents' careers, you're talking about your level of self-discipline, and I also know from a policy perspective and an education issue awareness perspective, the criminalization of Black girls, kids with disabilities. How does that show up for you in your own life?

Atira: Well, yes, I have to scale back because I have multiple people in my life who will tell you, if I gave them the mic for this episode, will tell you, "She's too disciplined. She's too hard on herself. She needs to like, she needs to go outside and walk and get some fresh air. She doesn't give herself enough credit." Like I just don't ever want to get to a point to where I forget who I am, which I mean, the way I'm set up, that's just not going to happen anyway.

And I think the reason I still deal with some of that overly disciplined-ness is just because of what I dealt with, you know, in childhood and all that from the self-doubt and the bullying and things like that. And so in a way, I'm like, "OK, to prove I'm not these things, I need to really like lock in and get this done." And not really to them, because they don't matter anymore, they're not in my life, but to prove to me that I am not those things that people were claiming and labeling me as.

But there's nothing healthy about staying up till 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning studying and then turning around and getting up, you know, for work. And there's nothing good about going all day without eating and having your first meal at 5:00 because you just feel like you need to go, go, go, go, go.

There is healthy discipline and then there is unhealthy discipline. I realized through time what I was practicing and what I am practicing, and however, I am still, I am getting better at breaking pieces of it. But what I was practicing was unhealthy discipline. It was at one point to where, you know, my mom had to make me lunch, otherwise I would not eat lunch until I got home from work. And it's not because I was just intentionally trying to just go on an unplanned fast, but I'm just like, "OK, I need to go, I need to go, I need to do this, I need to go here, I need to have this meeting, I need to meet with this." You know, and so it's just like, "OK, no."

Laura: I mean, that sounds like ADHD to me. That sounds like hyperfocus.

Atira: It's giving ADHD. Yes, you clocked it. Yes, for sure.

Laura: I know that you're a teacher now. Congratulations, by the way. I think that's relatively new, right?

Atira: Yes, relatively new. Where I was, you know, previously was just a desk job, pencil pusher. That's not my thing. No offense to people who do that, but I am a purpose-passion driven type of person. And if I'm going to eventually transition to being a full-time education policy analyst and advocate, then I need to know what's going on in these schools. I need to be where the need is.

Laura: From enthusiast to analyst, right?

Atira: Yes.

Laura: What are you going to be teaching? What subject?

Atira: English language arts.

Laura: All right, so let's pause and snaps for that. It's specific learning disability and reading. I mean, that's fantastic.

Atira: Yeah, I haven't even like, so this was my first week, and it was just like, I feel like I was in a car going 90 miles per hour.

Laura: Atira, do you have kids with ADHD in your classroom, and how do you support them?

Atira: So I am still learning all of my kids and their names. I have a stack of IEPs on my desk as we speak. So it would not surprise me if they do. However, my plan, I think a key to being able to reach any kid that you come across is be human. Come in with a sense of normalcy. Don't be regular. Now, yes, you need to set the bar and let them know I'm the adult and you're the child. However, you know, I'm here. I care about you. I want you to win. Help me figure out what that looks like. You know, you have to be of course, mindful that it's going to take time to build that type of relationship that you feel like you need so you can help make sure that that kid doesn't just go to the next grade, but it's going to thrive in the next grade.

And if I can do that by providing you a baseline safe environment for you to have questions and come to me, not just about your schoolwork, but just about things that's going on outside of class that are going to impact your ability to do the work that I'm giving you, then, you know, by all means, please do that.

Laura: They're lucky to have you, Atira. You have all these experiences. You are so well-informed about policy, and there's a lot happening in the world right now. Our kids need advocates right now. So it sounds like you've got your work cut out for you, and I can imagine you going very quickly from enthusiast to analyst.

Atira: I think I can. Yes, I agree. You called it.

Laura: Thank you so much, Atira, for joining us again on an "Understood.org" podcast.

Atira: Thank you. I'm glad to be back. It's really fun.

Laura: Thanks for listening today. As always, if you want to share your own "aha" moment, email us at ADHDAha@understood.org. I'd love to hear from you. 

And check out the show notes for this episode. We have more resources and links to anything we mentioned in the episode.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences, like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give.

"ADHD Aha!" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli. Say "Hi," Jessamine.

Jessamine: Hi, everyone!

Laura: And Margie DeSantis.

Margie: Hey, hey!

Laura: Video is produced by Calvin Knie and edited by Alyssa Shea. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also mixes the show. Production support provided by Andrew Rector.

Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. From Understood.org, our executive directors are Scott Cocchiere and Jordan Davidson.

And I'm your host, Laura Key. Thanks so much for listening.