Afraid to be the “crazy wife” with ADHD (Sela Carsen’s story)

Romance author Sela Carsen saw herself in her daughter’s ADHD evaluation 20 years ago. But she didn’t request an evaluation for herself until just 4 years ago. She was afraid that having ADHD would have a negative effect on her husband’s military career — that she’d be the “crazy wife.” 

Once Sela was finally diagnosed with ADHD, she had a big sense of relief. She felt capable in her job as an author, and that she “didn’t have to hate herself so much” anymore. Hear this conversation with Sela and host Laura Key as they chat about ADHD shame, Gen X’s outlook on mental health, and neurodivergent book characters. 

Want to share your “aha” moment? We love hearing from our listeners. Email us at ADHDAha@understood.org.

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(01:46) When did Sela start to notice signs of ADHD in herself? 

(03:48) Why Sela didn’t pursue an ADHD evaluation while her husband was in active duty

(05:46) How ADHD symptoms affected her life while she was undiagnosed 

(08:55) Finally seeking an ADHD evaluation

(14:11) Neurodivergent story characters

(17:45) How being Gen X changes how you approach ADHD

(20:24) What’s next for Sela?

Sela: It's not like I didn't know that I had ADHD. Of course I knew. I'd known for over 20 years at that point. But when I finally got someone, a real person with a degree in this kind of thing, who went, "Oh yeah, your brain officially, medically works differently" was just a moment where I sat back on my heels and went, "I'm not actually crazy. I wasn't making it up."

Laura: This is "ADHD Aha!," a podcast where people share the moment when it finally clicked that they have ADHD. My name is Laura Key. I head up our editorial team here at Understood.org, and as someone who's had my own ADHD "aha" moment, I'll be your host.

Hi everyone, welcome to "ADHD Aha!" I am here today with romance author Sela Carsen. Sela, welcome.

Sela: Thank you. Hi. Nice to see you.

Laura: Thank you so much for being here today. Sela, how many books have you published?

Sela: I keep forgetting, but between a couple of pen names, I'm pretty sure I'm well over 30. I might be closing in on 40. I don't recall anymore. And that includes all the novellas, all the short stories. Everything that I've actually put out there is very close to 40.

Laura: What kind of romance do you write?

Sela: I started out trying very hard to write historical romance, and I am really bad at it. I don't have the right voice for historical romance, so I write paranormal and science fiction, and I have also dipped my toes into some contemporary romance.

Laura: Oh very cool. Let's dive in to your story. Rather than start with when you got diagnosed with ADHD, I would rather start with when you started to notice signs of ADHD in yourself. I think that your, this was when your daughter was struggling with ADHD symptoms. Is that right?

Sela: Yeah. So, she was probably 5 or 6 years old. And it was such a struggle to do simple things, to remember things like brush your teeth in the morning. And, of course, every child needs reminders. That's not the problem. The problem was that it never seemed to click. And doing things like homework when you have to do, you know, two pages of math problems or whatever it is, and it takes you three hours and meltdowns and dinner is not getting done, because all I can do is try to stay on top of getting these things done. It started to impact her academics.

And so, we did get the diagnosis and she did go on meds. But watching her take the test and going over it with her and going, "Yeah, that's me. Yes. That's me. Oh, crap. That's me. Yeah, I think I know where she got it."

Laura: What in particular in the test were you really resonating with?

Sela: It was the lack of ability to stay on task. And it didn't matter how much I wanted to. It's never mattered how much I want to stay on task and stay focused and be steady with things. The lack of an ability to create a routine that is consistent over time, and those things, I realized, were maybe not just a normal level of procrastination, but having some serious impact on my regular life. And even as a stay-at-home parent, if you can't figure out a routine for yourself and your kids that impacts you and your entire family, everyone around you.

Laura: Did you pursue an evaluation?

Sela: At the time, no. At the time, we were active duty military. My husband retired from the Air Force and it was well, I mean, it is a psychiatric consult. And you don't do that when you're an officer's spouse at the time. I don't, I sincerely hope it has changed. I feel like it has changed. Talking to younger Air Force members and their spouses. Things have changed. But 20 years ago, it had not.

Laura: What were you worried might have happened had you sorted that out? Tell me more about the fear.

Sela: That it would impact his career. Because do you promote a man with a crazy wife? Because then he has to focus on his crazy wife and cannot focus on the job. And I want to make it clear that I'm not even convinced that my perception was 100% correct. It may not have had any impact, but to me it wasn't worth the chance.

Laura: Was he worried about the potential reception?

Sela: No.

Laura: He wasn't worried, so wasn't worried about you being quote unquote crazy. By the way, ADHD doesn't mean you're crazy, but I understand exactly it does not talking about, Sela.

Sela: It does not. But yeah, if you have to walk into a psych office, then there can be a stigma. I don't know that I spent a lot of time worrying about it. I realized what was happening, and I went, "Yeah, we're just not going to play that game and moved on.

Laura: Interesting. And some of that might be the time. It's much more common now. I get that. But there was also something inside of you. There was some sort of self-stigma, I think, going on. Is that accurate?

Sela: Oh yeah. Yeah. Because the ADHD comes with its own really interesting level of shame, and you can call it, quote, being brutally honest with yourself. But what it amounts to is that inherent sense of I am really not as good as other people. There is something deeply wrong with me, and I didn't need to advertise that either.

Laura: I'm curious how the noticing of ADHD symptoms in yourself. How deeply that stuck with you from the period when you started to notice, to the point when you did actually seek out an evaluation later in life, did you just shoot away from there? Or did you think about it when you would struggle with certain things? Like did you struggle with your writing at all?

Sela: Yes, yeah, I did, and I knew it was part of how I wrote. You noticed that I said I write novellas and short stories?

Laura: Yes, I did notice that.

Sela: And it's because I have told myself from the beginning that I don't have the attention span to write a full-length novel, and that has been part of my thought process. Every time I sit down to write a book, I know it's going to be a novella because I know, and I want to put that in quotations, I know that I don't have the attention span to write a novel. I might, but now it's in my head.

Laura: Where else would potential ADHD behaviors symptoms pop up for you?

Sela: If any writers are listening to this, do not do what I do.

Laura: Do not try this at home.

Sela: Do not. I will give myself, you know, 2 or 3 months to write a novella. And in those 2 or 3 months, I will write ten, 15,000 words. The week before my deadline hits, I will erase all of them and start over. And I will write 25,000 words in a week.

Laura: Wow.

Sela: This is not healthy.

Laura: Is this intentional or is this just what has happened?

Sela: It's just what happens. I would love to not do that because I end up spending, you know, 12 hours sitting at my desk, ignoring my family, drinking Monsters, and watching my ankles swell. Because you're not supposed to sit that long.

Laura: Wait, drinking Monsters? What's a Monster?

Sela: It's an energy drink.

Laura: Oh. Got it, got it, got it.

Sela: But it works. It's the self-medication that gets you through it. And in order to not develop a tolerance for them. I only do that when I'm on deadline, because otherwise they would stop being effective. Because man, I can put down a pot of coffee easily and it doesn't do anything. But no, the Monsters work because I save them for these horrific writing sprints.

Laura: Right. Working well under pressure, I guess.

Sela: I work well under pressure. And part of that's the hyperfocus and that adrenaline rush. You know, it's the dopamine "Oh, look at what I accomplished today that I couldn't accomplish by writing a thousand words a day." And that's all I would have to do to avoid that rush. And it doesn't happen. I sit there and I stare at the screen and nothing happens. Or I write and then I go, no, that's terrible. And then I write a little more. Now that's terrible. And it doesn't come together until right at the end. And it's physically and psychologically not healthy.

Laura: I've been there, especially pre diagnosis. I remember working on my master's thesis. My body was not happy with me. Let's just put it that way.

So, fast forward a bit. You eventually do get evaluated and diagnosed with ADHD. When was this? What was going on?

Sela: Right about four years ago. Honestly, I'm not even really sure if there was an event that kicked it off or if I finally just woke up one day and said, "Yeah, he's retired, I'll call the doctor."

Laura: Oh, so he was retired?

Sela: Oh yeah. And he had been retired at that point for over ten years.

Laura: Oh, interesting.

Sela: So, it's not like I just had to wait until he retired. No, I just kept on rolling the way I was until one day, like I said, I woke up and went, "Oh, I'll do that today."

Laura: There's got to be more to it than that. I have to believe. It must have been festering. Right, Sela?

Sela: You know, it had to be. So, I was burnt out. I had not had a decent story idea at that point for a year and a half, and I was tired. I couldn't think of a story. I could finish a story, and my house is falling apart, and everything was just kind of, it was getting worse. But what really motivated me was the inability to write. And I thought, if I can just make my brain slow down enough to sort something out, to think something all the way through, that would be amazing if I could do that.

And because I also self-publish, that's not just the writing the books. There is a tremendous amount of admin, and ADHD plus admin is a terrible combination.

Laura: ADHD plus admin equals sad.

Sela: Yeah. It equals not going to get done.

Laura: I was interviewing someone recently and she talked about the going from 0 to 100, but we don't realize that we are actually at 99 for a really long time. So, it's really about trying to avoid going from 99 to 100. And I wonder if you are at 99 for a really long time.

Sela: I had been, yeah. Like I said, I'd been burnt out for however long. I'd been struggling for years to continue to write enough to keep on top of everything, and I was about done. This was actually kind of a last gasp to keep anything like a career going. If I didn't settle down and write something, then I was not going to be able to call myself a writer anymore. But that had been my identity for so long. If I can't call myself that anymore because my stupid brain won't do the thing that makes me a writer, then I need to work on that. I need to get something going to fix that.

Laura: Yeah. What did you think that having an ADHD diagnosis would accomplish?

Sela: Meds.

Laura: Medication? Yeah. Support, tools.

Sela: Yeah, exactly. I have surrounded myself with writers. And let me tell you, most of us are a little bit cracked in some way or another. And I know a bunch of ADHD writers. I know a bunch of autistic writers. And so the support was there. And the tools available for DIYing ADHD symptoms were there and they weren't working enough anymore. I knew that if I could just get that little bump over the worst of it.

Because, I mean, I've lived with an ADHD child since she was born, and I knew that it's not a magic pill. It's not the cure all. I'm not going to suddenly be able to have a month where I crank out 1000 words a day, like you're, quote unquote, supposed to. Never believe that, by the way. There is no one true way. And you were still a writer if you don't write a thousand words a day. But there had to be something that would help a little. And if it was a low dose of some medication, then get on it. Sign me up.

Laura: So, what did it feel like?

Sela: Less brain fog. A little bit of clear space in my head. Finally, I could sit down and I could do the things that weren't exciting. Because, you know, when you have ADHD, you're chasing that dopamine hit. You want to do the exciting thing, the fun thing, right? And doing things like emailing someone for a cover is not fun. It's slightly terrifying. It's a stranger, but it's not fun. And suddenly I was like, "Oh yeah, I'm going to do that," and I do it. And I would sit back afterwards and go, "Well, I've been putting this off for the last three months, and suddenly I just did it. And the only thing that changed is now I'm taking this teeny tiny little pill."

And like I said, this is not a cure-all. It's not like, you know, my house suddenly got clean and stayed that way. Or I suddenly began to write novels. But it helped me do some of the small things that I had not been able to do.

Laura: How did that feel emotionally?

Sela: Relief. Just a big sense of relief that I would actually finally be able to do the job. That maybe I would not have to hate myself so much for not being able to do things because now I can do them. So, yeah, there's there is a bit of relief of that ever-present shame "Why can't I just do the thing?"

Laura: Yeah. "Why am I so awful?" Right?

Sela: Yeah, yeah.

Laura: Did your family notice a difference in you?

Sela: I think so, yeah. So, because my daughter and I are very similar, she is my mini-me. We know, we had talked about this, and she'd been on the meds, and she noticed very specifically. And my husband stopped frowning every time I forgot to do the thing I said I would do.

Laura: Is it because you stopped forgetting to do the thing?

Sela: I stopped forgetting to do the thing. Yeah.

Laura: Did it change your writing at all?

Sela: Not particularly, except in the way that I approached a couple of characters. I ended up writing a couple of characters who were neurodivergent, and previous to that, I hadn't felt like I had the experience to write those characters. I mean, they've been in my head for ages, but now I can officially say, as someone with ADHD, that when I write a character who has ADHD, this is not the prototype of an ADHD person. But I can say this is part of my experience. This is what I have noticed not just in myself, but in other people around me. And yeah, I get to say these things because this is my lived experience.

Laura: What are the titles of any of the books that have neurodivergent characters in them, in case our listeners want to check them out?

Sela: This one I wrote under a pen name because I switched for a while and wrote some erotic contemporary romance. So...

Laura: Like the throat clear right that, yeah.

Sela: Yeah, just be aware when you pick up this book. The first book in the Brothers in Arms series, this was her hero and the main character, I'm not sure I ever specifically come out and say she has ADHD, but you know, it's one of those if, you know, you know things and I've had people review it and go, "Oh my God, she drives me crazy. She's such a flake." And the ADHD reviewers are like, "Oh my God, that's me. And I'm like, "See, you get it, you get it."

Laura: Yeah, I love that. Wow, that's really cool.

Sela: So, yes. Apparently, that means that I did it right, and she is coming across exactly how I meant her to.

Laura: I think it's really cool that you're now, you know, post-diagnosis, you're writing neurodivergent characters.

Sela: It's fun.

Laura: And there were neurodivergent characters, you know, there have been for a really long time. It's not like this is brand new, but there are more and more of them now. And I think about, you know, my kids, and they love Dog Man. Do you know those graphic novels by Dave Pilkey?

Sela: I think I've seen them, but I have not read them. Dave Pilkey did Captain Underpants, right?

Laura: Dave Pilkey did Captain Underpants.

Sela: Yeah, that was my kids' generation.

Laura: And Dave Pilkey is somebody who has ADHD and dyslexia. And my kids now, they've read these graphic novels, and there's a character that's a robot whose name is the number 80-HD, ADHD.

Sela: Gotcha.

Laura: And it's great. And the kids, like, it's just like a term and we talk about, "Oh, it's kind of a joke because look at how the robot acts," right? And it's, just it's really cool that it's just part of the vernacular now. It's just something...yeah.

Sela: It is. I mean, Percy Jackson, the character Percy Jackson, was designed because Rick Riordan's son has ADHD, and Percy has ADHD.

Laura: And dyslexia, right?

Sela: And dyslexia. And he makes it work. I love that character. And then, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time, the main character in that is autistic. So, it's neat to see that there are more and more characters, especially our kids' age, which means that Gen Xers and older millennials were writing those books. We saw our kids struggle, and we decided to do what we could to help them.

Laura: Yeah, I love that. And there's that like that Gen X may be kind of self-reliance, like, "I'm just going to take care of this myself." And I think what we were talking about when you and I had our pre-interview was that being Gen X somehow maybe influenced how you approach possibly having ADHD.

Sela: I think it did. I think a lot of us know exactly how screwed up we are in our generation. We know that there's something wrong, and when we saw it in our kids and there's suddenly, there was help available, and there was help without stigma, we jumped on it. Our kids got the diagnosis long before we did. And I'm sure that there are plenty of Gen X parents who got their diagnosis about the same time their kids did.

Laura: Gen X, and I'd say Gen Y as well. Yeah, there's a lot of that happening.

Sela: I also, regardless of whether my kids are on meds or not, I also said the world is not going to adapt to your needs, and there are some things that, sweet potato, mama loves you, but you're going to have to suck it up and you're going to have to do the thing, because that's just how the world works. And it sounds like really rude and mean parenting, but I'm not wrong. The world has adapted in some ways, but not entirely. The meds can help, but you still have to do the work. I think that's definitely a Gen X trait of "Yeah, well, we're glad you're on meds, but do it anyway. You still have to get all this stuff done. You still have to do your homework. You still have to turn things in on time."

Laura: There is something really positive and inspiring about how younger generations are so much more open to neurodiversity and to being neurodivergent, and in some ways, as a generation, it seems like maybe they can rather than mold to the world, have the world mold to us, to them, to us.

Sela: Which I love.

Laura: But there's a nice, I'll speak specifically about what you just described with you and your daughter, there's a nice kind of passing of the baton, though, with the two kind of different mindsets that meet in a really healthy middle, I think.

Sela: I hope so. Yeah, I like my kids. But what I think has been interesting is, yeah, they were all raised with a lot of neurodivergent people around them and teachers who were now trying to accommodate them as well as they could in an increasingly different educational setting. And so it's been neat that their friends are of all kinds of people, and the ADHD kid isn't, you know, the weirdo.

Laura: Or maybe they are the weirdo, but like, that's embraced as cool.

Sela: Exactly. Yes. And, like, my kids are weird, and I absolutely think it's awesome.

Laura: Sela, what is next for you? What are you working on?

Sela: So, even after taking the meds and doing all of that, I still broke myself writing. I wrote a dozen novellas in about 18 months, and I did, I think every single one of them in that insane, "Here, let me write this entire thing in..." I wrote one in three days.

Laura: Wow.

Sela: 20,000 words in three days is very, very bad for you. And I've repeated that cycle too often in too short an amount of time, and I burnt out badly. So, I've actually taken the last, like, year and a half off. And the only reason I'm, I still feel like I'm a writer is because I know there's more in me, and I have confidence that I can get back to it. And I actually am. I've begun writing again.

Laura: You went from not, you were struggling to put pen to paper, and then you were putting too much pen to paper, and now you're approaching your sweet spot.

Sela: I think so, yeah. I wrote pretty regularly for the last month or so, putting together a news story. And the only reason I haven't written much this week is because I got sick. But I miss it. And that's something I haven't missed for a while. Was that feeling of, "Oh I actually want to write something" so. So, that's nice to be able to feel like I'm getting back to being the writer that I've wanted to be for quite some time.

Laura: Well, Sela, it was so lovely to connect with you today. Thank you for spending this time with me.

Sela: Thank you for having me on. It was so nice to be invited on and I appreciate this opportunity a lot. I like talking about this.

Laura: Thanks for listening today. As always, if you want to share your own "aha" moment, email us at ADHDAha@understood.org. I'd love to hear from you. And check out the show notes for this episode. We have more resources and links to anything we mentioned in the episode.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at Understood.org/give.

"ADHD Aha!" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli. Say hi, Jessamine!

Jessamine: Hi everyone.

Laura: And Margie DeSantis.

Margie: Hey, hey!

Laura: Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright, who also mixes the show. Samiah Adams is our supervising producer. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director. From Understood.org, our executive directors are Scott Cocchiere and Seth Melnick, and I'm your host, Laura Key.