I gave 110% with ADHD. They still told me I’d never go to college. (Rebecca Gonzalez-Ojeda’s story)

A tangled ball of spaghetti. That’s how aspiring therapist Rebecca Gonzalez-Ojeda describes her ADHD brain. Diagnosed with ADHD in fifth grade, Rebecca grew up hearing messages to “just try harder” while struggling with school and self-esteem. It felt like giving 110% still wasn’t enough. 

Rebecca reflects on painful IEP meetings, discouraging comments from teachers, and the emotional drain of being misunderstood for years. She also shares what it was like “raw-dogging” life after losing access to treatment, then getting re-diagnosed with ADHD after college — and how ADHD medication changed her life.

• Listen: The “devastating” findings of a decades-long ADHD study

• Read: ADHD and self-esteem: What to say to kids

• Watch: Psychologist explains the biggest challenges of adult ADHD

Rebecca Gonzalez-Ojeda: I remember doing a task from the beginning to the end without stopping. And I took a step back and I was just like, "What's going on?" To now I'm able to do that, like, that's crazy. Can I do more?

Laura Key: Hi everyone and welcome back to "ADHD Aha!", the show where people share the moment when it finally clicked that they have ADHD. I think most of us have heard the message that if you give something your all, give it 110%, you'll succeed and it should just be that simple.

Well, my guest today, Rebecca Gonzalez-Ojeda, is an aspiring therapist who heard that message over and over again growing up as a child with diagnosed ADHD and now, years later, is untangling how that shaped who she is today. Welcome, Rebecca. It's so nice to have you here today.

Rebecca: Hi.

Laura: First of all, thank you for being a listener of the show, thank you for writing in. And I was looking at that email — it really got me. The negative messages that you heard throughout your life and how you're confronting those messages today.

I was thinking we could start in this interview in fifth grade, because that's when you were diagnosed with ADHD, is that right?

Rebecca: Yes.

Laura: So tell me about that. Tell me what led to that diagnosis.

Rebecca: So just growing up I was struggling in school. I had a teacher's notice that I would be kind of staring out the window, not paying attention in class, and one of my teachers pulled my parents aside and said, "Maybe you should get her evaluated." So I was diagnosed with ADD at that time.

Laura: Did you understand what was happening at that time? You were probably 10?

Rebecca: I had no idea. My parents kind of were like, "We're going to go to a doctor. It's going to be fun." And I'm like, "All right."

Laura: It's going to be great. It's going to be awesome.

Rebecca: Yeah, you know, and my parents never really sat me down and told me like, "Hey, this is it" because, you know, I'm a kid. So they kind of just were like, "Okay, she has a diagnosis, she's going to get extra help in school, that's it."

Laura: Okay. So you got — was it an IEP, a 504 plan?

Rebecca: Exactly, yes. And I had a teacher that would come into some of my classrooms and kind of just be a "quote-unquote" extra support, but it was more of a distraction, more of an anxiety thing for me, and something I felt like people were bullying me about.

Because of a lot of that stuff and just people just not really asking me of what I want or just kind of explaining it to me. I never really got to have a say.

Laura: I'm sorry to hear that you experienced bullying and I can understand how that would have made you anxious. At what point did you understand what it was called that you were coping with?

Rebecca: I never really put it together until maybe end of high school. It was just very like "shh" you know, like very like "don't talk about it". Even the people in my class — we never really talked about it. And unfortunately, there were a lot of the "quote-unquote" troublemakers too in my classes.

And people just saw me going into the same room as these troublemakers, so everyone just thought, "Oh, she just doesn't care about school. She's just bad, she just doesn't care."

Laura: Was that true? Did you not care about school?

Rebecca: At some points, because of just me being like, "Okay, you know, I am getting these bad grades. It isn't clicking. So maybe I don't care about school. Maybe it is true." My self-esteem really dropped a lot because it's like I'm putting all this effort in and I do understand the information.

It's just when it's on a piece of paper and it's given A, B, C, or D, it's just hard to process that what I'm thinking in my head onto the piece of paper. They never really helped me understand my type of way of learning in a way that my brain can absorb it.

So I felt like I was putting in 110% into what I was doing and studying in the ways that I could, and then coming back and it being like a C-minus. So it was a big struggle. And even some teachers would even say to me, "You know, I'm talking to you and you get it. But it's just like why can't you just put that on the piece of paper?" It's like easier said than done, buddy.

Laura: Yeah, yeah.

Rebecca: I don't know what to tell you.

Laura: Do you feel like you carry that with you?

Rebecca: Yeah, a lot, especially when your brain is just going a million miles a minute, right? You're thinking of everything that you have to do within two seconds, you know? So it's like you're kind of scattered all over and then now you have to put this messed-up ball of spaghetti into singular spaghetti strands. You have to pick out each spaghetti and make it perfectly straight.

Laura: I love that analogy. I mean, you took the — I used the word untangling in the intro and you literally talked about untangling, so thank you for helping me deliver that metaphor.

Rebecca: Of course, of course.

Laura: Did your parents ever talk with you about the IEP, about your experience growing up?

Rebecca: When I was a kid, no. I grew up in a half-Hispanic household and I'm sure other people who are Hispanic have also witnessed not really talking about that type of stuff, especially mental health, any type of developmental disability, disability in general.

It was very much not talked about. And I don't even think my parents even understood. Now they do because I'm more of an advocate about it. One thing that I tell my parents, especially my mom because my mom is very like, "I was such a bad mom because I didn't help you."

Laura: Oh.

Rebecca: But I reassure her and I say, "You didn't have the information at the time. You only knew so much. And you can only do what the information that is given to you at that time. Now we have more information so now we can open our mind up more to the different opportunities that they have out there."

(06:44) Overcoming low expectations

Laura: Were you at any point ever invited into the IEP meetings as you got older?

Rebecca: I was in all the meetings. My mom, she worked, so she would always conference in through the phone.

Laura: You didn't have a name it sounds like for what was going on. You didn't really understand what was going on but you were in the meetings listening to teachers talk about your struggles.

Rebecca: Exactly, yeah.

Laura: What was that like?

Rebecca: So I would go into these meetings and they kind of just talked about what they see, how you're doing in the classes and everything. And there's one story — it was around 11th grade, and they're talking about college. My mom really pushed me to go to college and stuff and that was one thing she was saying in this one particular meeting.

And I remember a teacher turning to me and to my mom on the phone and literally said to me, "You know, she's not going to go to college. With these grades that she's bringing in she's never going to go to college. Maybe the best she'll do is be a McDonald's manager."

Laura: It blows my mind. And first of all, this is no shade to anyone working at McDonald's — it's a good job.

Rebecca: Of course.

Laura: But there's a meaning, there's something that comes with the — the teacher meant something when they said that. How did that feel?

Rebecca: At first I didn't really realize kind of what happened. It was kind of more of a shock. And also at this time I was not on any medicine at all. So I'm kind of just —

Laura: Yeah, and never had been.

Rebecca: Raw dogging life in a way.

Laura: You were raw dogging it, yeah, yeah.

Rebecca: Yeah, you know, and so I'm kind of also in la-la land. But my mom flipped out. The next day she called out of work, went to the principal's office and was like, "How can you say this to somebody who is going to be in 12th grade, who is about to graduate high school?

How can you have a teacher say that to this person, this child?" It impacts their self-esteem and everything like that. And so that's another reason why my mom really pushed me to pursue higher education and going to college.

Laura: You did go to college, though. You did it.

Rebecca: Yes.

Laura: What was that like? First of all, when you got into college, were you like "nan-na-nan-na-na" to your —

Rebecca: Oh, when I graduated college! My pictures for graduation was just like me being like, "See, I did it."

Laura: Were you flipping the bird?

Rebecca: Oh, 100%. I did many pictures of that.

Laura: Good for you.

Rebecca: I went to a community college first because I switched my major around five times because I wasn't really sure what I really wanted to do. I was working at different nursing homes with actually my cousin who is a dance therapist.

Laura: Cool.

Rebecca: And she introduced me to recreational therapy. That's when I went to SUNY Cortland, which is in upstate New York, and I studied recreational therapy and graduated with my undergrad in 2021.

Laura: It's a huge accomplishment. It really is.

Rebecca: It really is, especially a person with ADHD.

Laura: And not even just — yes, ADHD, but also just you heard so many messages that you couldn't do it. I can't help but wonder — and it's not a competition — which made it more difficult for you: the ADHD or all those messages that you were getting?

Rebecca: A combination of both, and also being away from my supports. I'm from Long Island, New York, and I went all the way upstate, which is like four hours away, which for some people is not too far. Some people like me is very far away.

I was a transfer student who is — I'm 21 at the time, so I'm not like with all the young freshmen and stuff. And just the beginning of really going away to school was the biggest struggle because there were some classes that I had to take that wasn't in my realm of my major. Of course those classes that I was really not interested in.

Laura: So you eventually got of your own volition, of your own agency — you're an adult now — you got rediagnosed with ADHD. You sought out another evaluation, is that right?

Rebecca: Yes. So when I finished college, I started working full-time and with that I got my own insurance. I started noticing myself being a little bit more behind. The population that I was working with was very overstimulating for me too.

I was working with individuals with developmental disabilities and I absolutely love that job so much and I wanted to be my very best for them. And I was like, "You know what? Maybe I should start thinking about medicine."

And also at the time, as a recreational therapist, you have to be certified and with that comes a big test. And I needed that extra push. So I reached out to a telehealth psychiatrist and they were asking me for my old papers, but I'm like, "This was when I was in fifth grade," so I don't even think my parents even had it.

So I had to get rediagnosed again and so they diagnosed me. Now I'm on medicine for it. Once I started taking medicine for the first time was just such an eye-opening experience for me. It was mind — blowing.

Laura: Describe it. Describe it for me.

Rebecca: I remember taking it and I remember doing a task from the beginning to the end without stopping. And I took a step back and I was just like, "What's going on? What is happening?"

Laura: Right.

Rebecca: And it's like the simple things like that I was not able to do my whole life. So after trial and error with other medicines, I finally was able to get my right medicine with the right dosage and I took my test in one shot and I passed it. And I was like, "That's crazy."

Laura: Congratulations.

Rebecca: Thank you, thank you so much. After doing that, it's like, "What else can I do? Can I do more?" The amazement of doing something "quote-unquote" normal — I'm using air quotes if you're not watching on video here — but I have to imagine it brings confidence and improves your self-esteem.

Rebecca: 100%. I never felt more proud of myself. More of like, "I can do it." I've always had the support of my family and friends and my husband cheering me on and is like, "You are capable of doing it." But with what I've been through in the past, it's a little bit more challenging to think in that way.

With being on medicine it has really helped me to actually do it.

Laura: You know, at the beginning when I was introducing you, I was talking about those messages people often receive, especially people with ADHD: "Just give it 110% and you're going to succeed." But it's not that simple because it's not just about trying. Yes, there's effort that is required, but what kind of supports do you have as well to even make the effort have a chance of paying off?

Rebecca: Yeah.

(14:02) Embracing the future. 

Laura: Now that you're an adult and you're being treated for ADHD, what does it feel like now to look back on your experiences growing up?

Rebecca: I'm a firm believer in things happen for a reason and I had to go through what I had to go through to shape me into who I am now. Unfortunately, growing up I didn't have the option of going to therapy and having medicine.

So I feel like now as an adult, since I'm going to school to be a therapist, I want to advocate for people to be able to have those options and learn those skills to bring into adulthood.

Laura: And what kind of therapist are you studying to be?

Rebecca: I'm currently in a grad school program for clinical mental health counseling. I currently work at a psychiatric hospital, so I really do love working with adults in psych. But I think when I eventually — I want to open up a private practice and use recreation therapy and counseling intertwining together.

Laura: What is recreation therapy?

Rebecca: Basically what recreational therapy is is that you are using different games and sports in a therapeutic way to help the individual that you're working with. Using leisure as a therapeutic way to enhance their life.

Laura: I also like the term recreational therapy just sounds like "cash" — it's just cash therapy, you know.

Rebecca: We are the fun therapists.

Laura: Yes, it sounds like it. I want to hang out with some recreational therapists, yes.

Rebecca: Yes.

Laura: When you were in 11th grade and you were applying for college, could you have envisioned that this is where you would be today?

Rebecca: No way. When I was in high school I wanted to be a wedding photographer. I was so infatuated with photography and the hands-on work was just something that I saw myself being really good at. But that also led me to recreational therapy, which is another profession that is very hands-on.

But I also knew I wanted to help people. I wanted to be that therapist. But when I was younger, I was like, "I can never do a grad program. I could barely do high school." So how can I do a grad program?

So it was just so not in the cards for me at the time. But once I finished my rec therapy degree, I know I can do more and I can succeed in a grad program. That's when I wanted to go towards clinical mental health counseling.

Laura: Do you feel like giving 110% is enough now? Or maybe just 100% or 90% is enough now? I'm just curious what percentage are you at?

Rebecca: With school, I am giving myself that 100%. Because sometimes giving that 110% leads into burnout. So let me say like 90%.

Laura: Okay, you're like, "Let me lower that a little bit," yeah.

Rebecca: You know, that 90%, because you need that 10% to wind down, take time for yourself, so that you can be there for your clients, you could be there for your friends, you could be there for your family, you could be there for your partner. So giving that 90% and then having that — at least that 10% for yourself too.

Laura: I couldn't agree more. I think that's beautiful.

Rebecca: Thank you.

Laura: If you give 110% to anything, then there's nothing left for yourself — in fact, you have overextended yourself.

Rebecca: Exactly. And I feel like a lot of people with ADHD do overextend ourselves because in a way we have to prove ourselves to show that we can do it, but we have to give more energy. It's important to take care of ourselves and to love ourselves. Take time out to do that.

Laura: Your mom must be so proud of you.

Rebecca: She is, I know she is.

Laura: It's been really awesome to talk to you, Rebecca. Thanks again for being a listener and for writing in. I'm really glad we had this opportunity to connect.

Rebecca: I appreciate you all and all that you do here. I'm a really big fan, so thank you.

Laura: Thanks for listening today. As always, if you want to share your own "aha" moment, email us at ADHDaha@understood.org or send a message to our voicemail inbox. You'll find a link in the show notes along with resources and links to anything we mentioned in the episode.

This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at Understood.org/give.

"ADHD Aha!" is produced and edited by Jessamine Molli. Say hi, Jessamine.

Jessamine Molli: Hi, everyone.

Laura: And edited by Alyssa Shea. Video is produced by Calvin Knie. Our theme music was written by Justin D. Wright. Production support provided by Andrew Rector. Briana Berry is our production director. Neil Drumming is our editorial director.

From Understood.org, our executive producers are Scott Cocchiere and Jordan J. Davidson. And I'm your host, Laura Key. Thanks so much for listening.