First-gen parents, neurodivergent kids, and redefining excellence

Alison Cho grew up in a tight-knit Korean American family where Harvard and medical school weren’t just dreams, they were expectations. Alison had undiagnosed ADHD and autism, and she often felt like she was letting her parents down. Now she’s raising two neurodivergent kids of her own. And she’s navigating the same cultural expectations she grew up with, this time as the parent. In this funny and tender interview, Alison explores what she wants to keep from her upbringing — and what she wants to leave behind.

• Listen: Meltdowns, mysteries, and multiple diagnoses

• Watch: We didn’t know we had ADHD. Then motherhood hit.

Alison Cho: And it's hilarious because when I shared the information with like my parents, the initial reaction was, "oh my God, is he able to go to medical school?" Yeah, that's Korean parents for you.

Jessica Shaw: That's how Alison Cho's parents responded when she told them her son Matteo had dyslexia. Alison is a proud first-generation Korean American from a tight-knit family. But as a child, she struggled to meet her parents' expectations because of her undiagnosed ADHD. Now that she's raising her own neurodivergent kids, she's thinking hard about what parts of her upbringing she wants to pass on and what parts she's hoping to leave behind.

This is a question I've grappled with as well. Alison and I come from very different backgrounds, but my father was also an immigrant. He came to the US from Cuba as a teenager, not speaking a word of English. In his family, you worked hard, full stop. You figured out a way or there wasn't food on the table.

Did that inform his own parenting? Of course. And has it informed mine as I figure out how to parent kids who think differently? Probably, maybe even in ways I don't always appreciate. So I wanted to talk to Alison to find out the ways that her family legacy has made raising neurodivergent kids harder and the ways it's helped. This is "Everyone Gets a Juice Box." I'm Jessica Shaw.

Alison: When I was growing up, my father had a lot of pride in who we are because you know, historically, we're Yangban, and Yangban is attributed to a scholarly family in Korea. And so my father always had a lot of pride in us coming from the Yangban family. So there was always this expectation that we would be brilliant.

Jessica: It wasn't just this cultural inheritance that put a premium on education. It was also the community she grew up in here in the United States. Alison's father went to medical school in Seoul, and her family immigrated with a number of his classmates and their families. This cohort of doctors now in America were her family's connection to their Korean heritage.

Alison: It was a formative experience in my life because we're all coming together, we're brand new to this country, brand new to the language, brand new to the culture. And in a lot of ways, that cohort became a survival mechanism.

Jessica: Alison has fond memories of their monthly gatherings where everyone shared a common cultural background, but this upbringing came with pressure too.

Alison: The expectation was no matter what, it was expected for us to excel academically. I mean, the plan for me growing up was that I was supposed to go to Harvard, do pre-med, become a doctor, okay? And clearly that did not happen.

Jessica: Alison tried to meet the academic expectations set by her parents, but she was struggling. ADHD symptoms, and especially ADHD symptoms for girls, were not really on anyone's radar.

Alison: When I showed some struggles with school, okay, even though it was tied to my undiagnosed neurodivergence, at the time, the initial response was, oh, we need to pull you out of public school, send you to a private school, okay, and we need to get you a tutor, okay? So that's how my parents responded to that because that's how it was.

And it helped to a certain degree, but not really, right? Because at the end of the day, if you have undiagnosed ADHD, you're not able to stay on point with homework or what have you, okay? But that was like a kind of ongoing point of pain, okay? And it was unfortunate because I wasn't really able to have that level of honesty with my parents because I ended up hiding my report card.

Jessica: How did you feel knowing that — my parents have these expectations, like I need to go to Harvard, I need to go to pre-med — and I am not wired to meet their expectations?

Alison: It was hard. I mean, there's half the therapy bills to prove it. And as much as my parents mean well, and I do understand where it's coming from because again, the mindset that they have and they carried it forward, it was not done with malicious intent, so I want to make that point clear.

Jessica: Of course.

Alison: It was very difficult emotionally, okay, because when you grow up not really being seen for who you are, not really being accepted for who you are, and expected to conform to this very narrow, rigid ideal, okay, it is very, very painful. And I had a lot of anger and low self-esteem. And my father didn't help because his way of motivating was to try to compare me to the sons and daughters of his medical school colleagues.

But my dad would say to me, "hey, look at Jeannie Suk." She's like — and she's an accomplished woman. She's like the first Asian American woman to get tenure at Harvard Law School, okay? And my dad would try to motivate me because he'd try to stoke that competitive spirit like, "look, Jeannie was able to accomplish this and her father's a doctor, whereas you — both of your parents are doctors and you'd be twice as brilliant." I was like, ah, okay, and I couldn't live up to that, okay?

And my father meant well, but it was just a very harmful parenting philosophy to live up to, okay? So I do acknowledge that, during my middle school and high school and college years, I had a fraught relationship with my parents because I love them, I wanted to please them, but it was really hard.

Jessica: It wasn't until after college, during a period when she was experiencing a lot of self-doubt, that a therapist suggested Alison might have ADHD. Much later, she would also be diagnosed with autism. This diagnosis had a profound impact on her.

Alison: It was very clarifying for me because a lot of the personal struggles that I had from childhood onward, especially when it came to academics — because the lifelong phrase that always haunted me, especially from my teachers, was "Alison is really smart, Alison has a lot of potential, but yet for whatever reason, I couldn't get my act together," okay?

And I had a lot of guilt about that. But even when I got that diagnosis and I shared that with my parents, with my mom in particular, there was a lot of resistance to that because especially in Korean culture, there's a stigma with mental illness. Any weakness of that nature, it's not really talked about, okay? And to be honest with you, my mom — and she's a wonderful woman, by the way — but her initial reaction was, oh, the label was just an excuse and you just need to work harder.

(06:08) Diagnosis, redefining success, and parenting neurodivergent children.

Jessica: Alison says it took many years for her to appreciate her own considerable accomplishments as a professional and to recognize how narrowly success had been defined for her when she was growing up. Then she became a mom, and now she had to figure out how she might do things differently.

Alison: For the longest time, I had a fraught relationship with ambition. And so when I became a parent, I wanted to make sure that I didn't want to impose any generational trauma on them. But at the same time, though, I did not want to buy into the narrative that just because you're neurodivergent doesn't mean you can't be excellent.

So for me, my challenge as a parent, okay, is how do you take a balanced approach, right? Because here is the thing: I am proud of the fact that we have a rich family history. I am proud of the fact that we're Yangban. I am proud of the fact that we come from a generation of doctors and high-achieving people. I'm proud of that. But I also know firsthand that academic excellence doesn't define who you are as a person because character is important. Being a good person is important, okay?

Jessica: Right. You also — you have two sons.

Alison: Yep.

Jessica: Your older one is Matteo, right?

Alison: Yeah.

Jessica: So when you had kids — like when did you first notice that Matteo had a learning difference?

Alison: I'm going to be honest with you, it wasn't so much that I noticed it, it was really my husband that noticed that Matteo had some language delays. He brought up the concerns to me. I, to be honest with you, I initially poo-pooed it, okay? I just thought, oh, you're just being overly sensitive, you know, he's growing, it's not a big deal.

But my husband thought, no, I think there's something here because he was influenced by his own experience because as it turns out, he actually has a younger sister that had dyslexia. And he wanted to make sure, hey, wait a second, like we really need to get some clarity on this. So he pushed for my son to get evaluated, and that's what started the whole journey.

Jessica: First came the ADHD diagnosis when Matteo was about three, and then a few years later, the dyslexia diagnosis. That's when, as we heard before, Alison told her parents the news, and their reaction was, will he be able to go to medical school? How did you feel, though, like when you — knowing, I imagine, knowing how your mom reacted to when you told her about your diagnosis — were you nervous about calling them and saying like, "hey, this is the diagnosis that Matteo has?"

Alison: No, believe it or not, I didn't feel nervous. And here's the reason why: because one of our core family values is honesty. I mean, that's just how we are, okay? I'm the eldest of three kids, so with my younger brother and my sister, like all of us as a family, we love each other and we're not going to sugarcoat because honestly, in order for us to survive, you've got to be really honest and be really clear, okay?

So I wasn't nervous about telling them, but what was really important, though, is that regardless of what the personal stance was, the most important thing is, okay, can you support what we're doing? Yes. Okay. That's really the most important thing because what I've learned is that it really truly does take a village to raise kids.

Jessica: Especially with learning differences.

Alison: Especially with learning differences, it's all hands on deck, okay? And yeah, it did take my parents some time to wrap around it, okay? But at the end of the day, when it actually comes to supporting the children, especially when we're talking about sending your kids to a specialized private school, you know, for kids with that learning profile, which does require great financial resources, my parents were absolutely there.

Jessica: Your second son, so what's the age difference between them?

Alison: So the age difference, they're 21 months apart.

Jessica: So at what point — because Rocco has an autism diagnosis, right?

Alison: Yeah.

Jessica: So when Rocco got the diagnosis, you know, when you were telling me like at the beginning about how learning differences — like not a thing, you know, in Korean culture or whatever — did anything change in their response between Matteo and Rocco?

Alison: I think there's still always going to be that residual — how do I say this? — residual negative attitude about having a diagnosis, right? So for example, I'm pretty proud of my kids, okay, and I'm pretty nonchalant of — my kids happen to be neurodivergent, okay? Whereas my father, God bless his soul, he'd be like, "oh, you don't have to socialize, you don't have to like publicize," okay?

Because again, like in Korean culture, you don't talk about these kind of things, right? So there's still an element of that. However, at the end of the day, despite their initial reservations of their grandchildren having a diagnosis, at the end of the day, when I broke it down to them and said, hey, look, I really could use the support, they really do need to go to this special school to help them flourish, they were like, "okay, we're in." If it's anything that relates to education, they're like, "okay, you know what? No matter what, we'll support you on that."

Jessica: When your dad says to you like something like "you don't have to like publicize it" or you know, whatever he said, does that — I mean, what does that feel like?

Alison: I mean, like I said before, I mean, my parents have their opinions and I get it. I don't — like I really don't get offended or ruffled by it because my parents show their love and devotion in other ways, right? And I think that's really the key thing here because if it wasn't for the fact that my parents really show up — and for them showing up doesn't just mean they provide the financial means for us to send our kids to a school, it's also in the day-to-day as well. For example, my parents — your dad's with your son right now.

Jessica: I mean, he's hanging out with him right now.

Alison: Oh yeah, and also like my parents are like a really key — like heck, they help with the pickup and drop-off at school. I mean, they're fully present with that, okay? So while they may disagree and they may be reserved about that, because they show their love and devotion — because my parents' love language is service — that's the most important thing, right? I would imagine that if they didn't show up in the way that they do, then I'd probably be a lot more bitter and a lot more hurt with their opinion on things, if that makes sense.

(12:13) Redefining parenting roles and the evolution of cultural attitudes toward success across generations.

Jessica: Right. But it's also — I mean, if you think about it, it's pretty profound that like in one generation, the different attitudes and approaches, you know, between like your generation and your parents' generation and how much different it'll be for your kids.

Alison: It will be. I mean, I think the most important thing right now as a parent going forward is being honest and authentic and being both a positive and a negative role model for my kids. Because I know from firsthand experience how negatively impactful an undiagnosed neurodivergence can have, okay?

And so with that knowledge and with that insight, what I try to do as a parent going forward is I want to make sure that my kids are able to fully be who they are and also have much more greater success. And that's why getting the resources that they need is so impactful. Because here's the thing: when I look back at who I am as a parent, I'll be honest with you, okay?

I am not the parent who's going to have the beautiful dinner on the table and the house is going to be clean. In fact, you'll probably never see my house because if you do see my house, you'll probably be morally obligated to report me to DIFS given the state of affairs because house cleaning is tough to keep up with, right?

But what I do think that as a parent what I'm really good at is if you tell me what you want, okay, that I will do everything in my power to get you the resources that you need. So case in point with my eldest son Matteo, he loves to play squash — the sport, not the vegetable. And he told me like, "Mom, I really want to do squash." Okay, fine. We're first generation squash parents, okay? Like I'm brand new to this sport, I'm a first generation sports parent, okay?

But what I'm really good at, and I think this is where the immigrant in me comes out, is we may be outsiders to the system, but you know what? We're driven and we're smart and we'll figure this out.

Jessica: There's something that I think about a lot about the way that you parent is so informed by how your parents parented you and the part of your culture that you bring to your parenting that you instill in your children. And sometimes that's going to mean, hey, I'm getting you a diagnosis, I'm getting you what you need, and sometimes it's going to be like, yeah, I have no idea what this — like I am first gen squash parent — but I'm going to figure that out.

It seems like your parents had a specific way that they defined success. As someone who's neurodivergent who's raising two neurodivergent kids, what is your definition of success? And is it different from your parents?

Alison: I would say it's an offshoot of my parents', okay? And the reason why I say offshoot is because my parents, I think at the end of the day, believe it or not, even though they had a very narrow and rigid aim, I think at the end of the day, what they really truly want for my kids to be is happy, healthy, and successful people.

But they just think that the way to get there is through this one narrow ideal. I mean, the outcome is we do want them to be happy, healthy, and successful, but I do recognize the fact that there's many paths to get there, okay? It doesn't necessarily have to be this only path.

Jessica: It takes time as a parent to figure out what you inherited that you want to pass on to your own children and what you want to leave behind. I love what Alison Cho said about the ideal destination being the same, but the path to getting there being wildly different. There have been times as a parent when I have fallen into patterns I didn't love growing up with, and I hope I manage to try a new path.

And in the 20 years since he's been gone, I've also thought about everything that my brilliant and gentle father instilled in me about parenting and life in general. It's a balance. And maybe someday my kids will find that too — leaving behind some of the ways they were parented and hopefully carrying on some part of their own legacy.

Thanks for listening to "Everyone Gets a Juice Box." Our show is hosted by me, Jessica Shaw. It's produced by Cody Nelson, and video is produced by Calvin Knie and edited by Jessie DiMartino. Briana Berry is our production director, and Neil Drumming is our editorial director.

If you have any questions for us or ideas for future episodes, write me an email or send a voice memo to podcast@understood.org. This show is brought to you by Understood.org. Our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Jordan Davidson.

Understood is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give.