When kids say “I’m stupid”: How to rebuild confidence and self-esteem

As a parent, it’s heartbreaking to hear your child say “I’m stupid.”

Whether it comes after a tough day at school, a frustrating homework session, or a comment that hit the wrong nerve, that feeling can really stick. Dr. Kristin Carothers joins us to unpack where this kind of negative self-talk comes from. What’s happening beneath the surface? And how can adults respond in ways that build confidence — not pressure?

• Opportunity Gap: Supporting confidence in kids

• How to rebuild self-esteem in the new school year

• What to say when kids are hard on themselves

(02:50) How parents can respond to negative self-talk

(06:08) What not to say to your child

(14:30) Modeling positive affirmations at home

We love hearing from our listeners! Email us at init@understood.org.

Gretchen Vierstra: Hello and welcome to "In It," a podcast for families with kids who learn and think differently.

Rachel Bozek: Here, you'll find advice, camaraderie, stories of successes and, yes, sometimes failures from experts and from parents and caregivers like you.

Gretchen: I'm Gretchen Vierstra, a former classroom teacher and an editor here at Understood.org.

Rachel: And I'm Rachel Bozek, a writer, editor, and mom who has definitely been in it.

Gretchen: Today, we're getting some advice on what to do when your child says, "I'm stupid."

Rachel: Ugh, that is so hard to hear, especially if we realize we may be contributing to them feeling that way.

Gretchen: Yes. So to help us help them, we're talking with Dr. Kristin Carothers, a clinical psychologist based in Atlanta and New York City who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy and behavioral interventions.

Rachel: She's also an adjunct associate professor of psychiatry at Morehouse School of Medicine and an expert contributor for Understood. We've had her on the show before, and we're so glad she's joining us again. Welcome back to "In It."

Dr. Kristin Carothers: Thank you so much for having me back.

Gretchen: We're so happy to have you. Okay, Dr. Carothers, do you hear kids say, "I'm stupid" in your practice? Or maybe they get the message across to you in other ways that that's how they're feeling? Can you walk us through some scenarios where you're hearing something along those lines?

Dr. Carothers: When it comes to hearing kids say, "I'm stupid," typically you're hearing it because they've made a mistake over and over again and they've gotten into a lot of trouble, or they might be having some academic difficulty and they're comparing themselves to other people, or just being in a moment of extreme frustration where they just don't know what else to do, and you'll hear them say, "Ugh, that was so stupid," or, "I'm so stupid." The other times I've seen it is when parents make self-statements about their own mistakes and don't realize that the kids are listening, paying attention, and they've internalized it and learned to say it too. So I definitely heard kids say, "Oh, I'm so stupid," or, "I don't know why I keep doing this over and over again." So usually it's a sign of frustration and kind of despair.

Gretchen: And is it ever that, I mean, I hate to ask this, but is it ever that someone else has said this to them?

(02:50) How parents can respond to negative self-talk

Dr. Carothers: I think people may say things that are stupid-adjacent. So, you know, we're living at a time when people try to really be aware of what they say, but in moments of frustration, I think there are things that parents or teachers or even peers or siblings could say that are closely aligned to stupid that might make a kid feel they are stupid or where they say, "Hey, I'm going to fill in the blank. I know what you really mean. You think I'm stupid."

Rachel Bozek: Yeah. So I think the impulse as a parent when your child says something like, "I'm so stupid," is to just jump right in there and say, "No, you're not. You're not stupid." But maybe that's not the best first thing to say.

Dr. Carothers: I think when we jump in and say that like as a parent, we got to look at how we're feeling and what we're thinking, we're probably mortified or sad or upset. Like, "Oh no, my kid thinks they're stupid. I don't want my kid to feel that way or think that way about themselves." And so you immediately go into like a soothing role, "You're not stupid."

But what could actually happen is you could invalidate an experience that the kid is having that they don't know how to articulate. So, yes, our gut reaction is going to naturally be to say, "No, you're not stupid." And I know as a parent, that's probably what my gut reaction would be to say, but one of the things that I think if parents had time, which we often don't, it would be nice if you could take a beat and say, "Wait, that's something that's really kind of mean to say to yourself."

Or, "Whoa, I hate that that's what you think about yourself. I wonder what, where is that coming from, or what's going on? Let's talk about that." So rather than to just shut down the statement, to try to explore and figure out where the kid is coming from so that when you address it, you can actually address what the actual issue is, rather than just kind of shutting down the conversation and giving a pat on the back or a cuddle to say, "You're not stupid," because it may be about a friendship, or it may be about a class activity, but you won't know if you haven't explored.

Gretchen: That makes a lot of sense. So I love this tip about exploring and taking a beat, right? It's really hard to do that as parents, but we should. So if you do that and you have a better sense of why they're saying they're stupid, what are some constructive responses? So after you've kind of gotten to the heart of the matter, what do you say next?

Dr. Carothers: Once a kid has been open enough to like kind of help you get to the heart of the matter, thank them for sharing with you 'cause you know it was hard. And so you just say like, "I really appreciate you sharing that with me," or, "Thanks for letting me know. I wouldn't have known that if you hadn't told me." And so what you're doing there is reinforcing like openness. They're willing to talk to you in the first place.

I think then you follow it up with some information that is accurate and, remember, the function of giving accurate information is so that you can validate what's real and reframe what's not. So if the kid is saying, "Well, I felt so stupid when I got a 60 on that math test and I know that we studied so hard together and it just felt like a waste," then you would say, "You know, I know it can be pretty disappointing to study so hard and then to not get the score you wanted. Thanks for letting me know that," right? So just staying right there.

And the kid might be willing to talk to you more and give more detail or you might say, "You know, I've been there and I know how that feels. I wonder if there's something we could do differently the next time. It doesn't mean that you'll fail the next time. This is one moment in time. Just because this happened this time doesn't mean it'll happen next time."

Or, "You know what? You're right. This is your third 60 and we've been working really hard. Maybe it's time for a tutor," right? So kind of giving the kid some options but staying balanced.

(06:08) What not to say to your child

Rachel: Mhm. So we've talked now about what to say. Yes. But I think sometimes, despite our best efforts, we may sometimes say things that contribute to our kids feeling badly about themselves or thinking this about themselves. Can you walk us through some statements that parents and caregivers should avoid? And they may be things that we say that could be part of the problem, but we don't even realize it when we're saying it.

Dr. Carothers: Absolutely. And I'll be honest, I'm guilty of it too as a parent. So this is a great exercise for me. I literally, like at bedtime, used to say like, "I need you to lay your head on the pillow." And it was my tone and my delivery that a friend heard and was like, "Ooh, that's rough." And so...

And so I think when it's the end of the day and it's like we're at our wits' end or we're rushed, our tone can play a major role in how we communicate with our kids.

Gretchen: Yeah. Yeah. And I think a lot of these kinds of lines are actually kind of pointing out the thing that is the hardest for the kid, especially if they have a learning and thinking difference.

Rachel: So, for example, if, if I were to say to my child, "You need to calm down, you're overreacting," is that a problem?

Dr. Carothers: Okay, I understand where you're coming from, and you're likely frustrated and you do need your child to calm down. Right, right. Me neither. You do need your child to calm down. I think the thing is, how do they calm down? Like being busy and moving is their norm. And so you got to really be specific. And so rather than just say, "I need you to calm down," "I need you to have a seat. Please take a seat. I know you're super excited, but I need you to listen while I tell you what's coming next." So like very kind of like step-wise, breaking down what does calm down mean. Now, if calm down means like stop running, then it's like, "Please walk." If calm down means like you're hopping and jumping all around and you need them to be still, then it's like, "I need you to come hold my hand." So something that's very practical.

Now, if they're upset because something didn't go their way, you got a teenager or a preteen or a toddler and they're like screaming and crying, they literally are dysregulated and probably can't calm down. And so the closest thing to that would be to say, "When you are ready to talk, let me know." Right? So you're not telling them how to get ready. You're not telling them when to be ready, but you're saying like, they obviously can't have a conversation because they're dysregulated. And if you point that out, they might become more dysregulated. So it's like, "When you are ready, let me know."

Gretchen: And is the whole, I mean, I think I know the reason why you have to give them more specifics because it's because if you tell a kid to calm down and they can't on their own, is that where they get to the self-doubt and feelings of, "Well, I guess I must be dumb because I can't figure this out on my own?"

Dr. Carothers: Or what if they think they are doing it and it's not meeting your expectation of what calm down means? And so then you're still angry with them and they can't figure out why you're still angry because in their mind, they have calmed down. That whole cycle can start too because it's like, "Well, I did what you said. Nothing is ever good enough." So I think that's why it's like having the clear definition, "What looks like calm to you may not look like calm to me."

Rachel: I was just thinking about how, even as an adult, when someone says to me, you know, "Just relax," like that's like the worst thing to be told.

Dr. Carothers: Yes. And think about that. Yes.

Rachel: Hate it. Yes. And think about that. You said, "No." Which if your kid tells you, "No," after you told them to calm down, you would say they were being defiant or willfully disobedient. And then the negative, the cycle, the coercive cycle of interaction, of it being a power struggle and it becoming a fight starts.

Gretchen: Yes. For anyone who's watching "And Just Like That," on a recent episode, one of the main characters, her daughter let a gerbil or a guinea pig or some, or no, it was a hamster. One of the main characters let a hamster out of the cage, and now the hamster's running around the house lost. And the mom's reaction was, "How could you do something so stupid?"

And then it was like this whole after the fact, like, "I'm the worst mom. I shouldn't, you know." But it's like, I mean, it was not a smart move.

Dr. Carothers: Yes. Uhuh. And it wasn't intentional. The kid didn't likely didn't do it on purpose. Mom lost her temper and said something that wasn't great. And so once the horse is out of the, out on the race track, you can't pull it back. But it's like now you owe, you know, can you repair? You know, like, "Oh, mommy, I let my emotions get the best of me and I never should have said that to you. I apologize. I'm super frustrated because I don't know where the, I'm scared of the hamster," or, "I'm like, you know, I don't know where it's gonna go." But this is not a big deal. In the scheme of life, this is not a big deal. We will find the hamster.

(14:30) Modeling positive affirmations at home

Dr. Carothers: Yeah. But really, you owe the kid an apology. So it was, and it's okay to apologize, and it models to the kid that my parent can make a mistake and recover appropriately or at least acknowledge that they made a mistake when they were upset. So when I'm upset, I can acknowledge it and apologize too. Yep, yep. Nice example, Rachel.

Rachel: Thank you. 

Dr. Carothers: That's an excellent example. 

Gretchen: So, okay, so let's get on to some of the positive things that we can help our kids with. So if our kids are in this cycle though, or they often find themselves saying, "Oh, I'm so stupid. Oh, I'm so dumb." What is some self-talk that we can teach our kids so that they have a way of getting out of this thinking?

Dr. Carothers: So if we've got a scenario where our kids are making lots of negative self-statements, especially if they have ADHD, they've likely got a script running in their heads that tells them, "I'm stupid, I'm not good enough, I'm not as smart as other people." When you get wind of that and you catch it, you've got to challenge them to talk back to it, but it has to be realistic.

So if it's, "I'm so stupid," it can't just be like, "You're not stupid." It has to be, "You are really bright and you have some strengths. One of your strengths is that you are great at X. I want you to tell your brain, 'I might not be great at this, and I know I'm great at that.'" So helping them to identify the things that they are really good at so that when they have an area where they're not feeling so strong, they can say, "Hey, I don't have to be strong at everything. Everybody has some things that they're really good at and some things that they're not so great at, even mom and dad."

Gretchen: I love that suggestion, and I feel like I've said this in my own household before, and what I've gotten as a response is, "That's stupid." Like, you know what I mean? Like that idea, like, "Oh, why would I do that?"

Dr. Carothers: Okay, you're right. What, what else could you do? So my idea is not great. Oh, like, come on. Give me a, you help me, 'cause sometimes I think negative things. Help me. Put it back on them. Well, how am I supposed to help you? I can't do it myself. Okay, well you helped me to log on to so and so last week and I forgot my password and I didn't know how to download that app and you showed me how to do this, or I accidentally took a screenshot instead of a selfie and you helped me to fix my...

Right, so... I did it last week. I was like...

Gretchen: That's my favorite mistake.

Dr. Carothers: You're always helping me. Like, you're always teaching me new stuff. So, okay, my example wasn't great. Help me with another one.

Gretchen: Mhm. Okay. They may not take it right away, but you got to keep, you got to keep pedaling the message. Sometimes it takes a couple of times of hearing it before somebody will absorb it.

Dr. Carothers: Totally. But really, we want them to talk back to negative thoughts with accurate information, real points, real times when they've been successful.

Gretchen: Got it. I love it. So when we're in a situation where it feels like, you know, maybe it's more than just something that the kid is thinking that day, or, you know, maybe this is a bigger concern, what are some things we can do to help get a kid out of this line of thinking? Like if it's kind of like their constant state of being is feeling like, "Oh my God, I'm so dumb."

Dr. Carothers: So if they're constant state of being is believing that they're dumb, we might need to have them speak to a therapist. Maybe there's something underlying, right? Or to go back to their therapist and talk about that. So if they're a kid with ADHD and you're doing some parent management coaching and maybe they're doing some individual therapy, it would be a really good idea to talk to their individual therapist about what you're hearing, because their individual therapist will have the space and the tools to help them have that conversation more deeply.

And so you might even encourage the kid, like, let's say it's a week until individual therapy or they don't have an individual therapist, you might have them write about their feelings if they like to write, or draw about what they're feeling if they like to draw, or talk to like a preferred family member or friend about what they're feeling if they don't feel comfortable sharing with you. We want them to get it out. We want to get as much of it out of their heads and into the world and so that they can engage with other people to try to get support around it.

We just don't want them to hold it inside. So the more that you can reflect back what they're saying, if they're saying like, "I just feel so stupid all the time." Okay, you're telling me that you feel this way a lot. How long has it been that way? Have there been times when you don't feel that way? Have you heard other people say things to you that have impacted you? Like, "Talk to me more about what's going on." If they say, "I really don't know," then say, "Okay, if you'd like, I can schedule a session for us to talk to a therapist about it," or, "We can call Dr. so-and-so and try to get an appointment and talk to them about it." Just keep the conversation going and then reach out for support.

Rachel: Yeah. That is really helpful. And, you know, sometimes, and this is a real example from, from a friend of mine, it could even be before there's a diagnosis, and this happened with my friend's son at the end of the school year of last year, saw other kids getting these like, you know, academic awards and this and that. I think it was like the end of sixth grade for him. And he said something just kind of like, "Ugh, I'm so stupid."

And she had no idea that this is just how he's been feeling because he's around other kids who may be seen as higher achievers or whatever the case may be. And she felt horrible and was like, "Wait, like what's going on here?" And ended up realizing that this has been going on for a while and they got him evaluated and actually got an ADHD diagnosis. And so it just, it ended up, you know, they're on their path to getting a 504 for him.

But that was actually kind of the trigger that made her see that there was an issue.

Dr. Carothers: Right. And what's so important is that she took him seriously. Like he made the statement and she didn't just brush it off. She said, "Oh, this is a signal that something else is going on. Let me follow this up." And so if she had just said like, "No, you're not stupid. It's, who cares about those stupid awards, move on," she never would have gotten to like the subsequent points that she got to. So she actually took a moment to get some more information from her kid, to listen to her kid's experience, and then she was able to follow that up and it actually get her kid the support that he needs so that hopefully he will see like, "I'm not stupid. I just need more, a few more minutes to get this done." Or, "Yeah, it's just better for me if I do my work in a different classroom when it's time to take a test." And once they know that, then they're empowered. And it's like, "I'm bright. These are the conditions that I work best under."

Gretchen: Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Well, before we finish up, Dr. Carothers, is there anything else you want to share with parents, any advice for parents and caregivers about what to do in these types of situations?

Dr. Carothers: I think that parents should really try to be aware of the voices, their own voices and their own scripts that are running through their heads, because it's likely that we say things that we don't know that we're saying about ourselves and our own experience that influence how our kids talk about themselves and their experiences. And so, as much as you can, parents, catch your own self being good, give yourself a pat on the back. If you're really proud of something you did, share it with your kids and then ask them to share a proud moment that they've had. And so the more that we can model that we can be positive about ourselves and that we don't have to be perfect and we're okay, the more likely it is that our kids will be able to take our advice when they're in those difficult moments and they're saying negative things about themselves.

Gretchen: That is great advice. And we all probably could use a little better script in our brains every once in a while.

Dr. Carothers: Absolutely.

Gretchen: Well, thank you so much, Dr. Carothers. This has been a great conversation.

Dr. Carothers: Yes, thank you so much. Thank you all so much for having me. I really enjoy the conversation. I love being on the podcast, so thanks for having me.

Gretchen: You've been listening to "In It," a podcast from Understood.org. Our website is a free resource for parents of kids with learning and thinking differences. We have articles, tips, and tools to help you support your child at school and at home. You can subscribe to "In It" on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. It's a great way to stay up to date and make sure you don't miss an episode. If you like what you heard today, please tell someone about it. Sharing is the best way to help other parents discover our show.

"In It" is produced and edited by Julie Subrin, with additional production support from Cody Nelson and Andrew Rector.

Justin D. Wright mixes the show, Mike Errico wrote our theme music, and Briana Berry is our production director.

From Understood.org, our executive directors are Laura Key, Scott Cocchiere, and Jordan Davidson.